Our daughter will be 19 in 3 months. She graduated high school last May.?

Question

She signed up for the Army but was refused on reporting day because she intentionally gained weight and didn't meet standards (her method to get out of the commitment). She then signed up for college, with scholarships she was awarded the cost was 0. She quit going and instead went to boyfriends house and slept all day with him. She has been fired from every job she's had except one. Very little motivation in looking for a job. Stays out with boyfriend to all hours; sleeps till 4:00-4:30 daily.
Won't pitch in and help around the house, has only done her laundry 2 times in 2 months, bathes infrequently. No signs of drug/alcohol abuse. We gave her 30 day notice Jan.1 to change and attempt to better herself or be gone from our house by Feb.1; she and boyfriend think we are unreasonable. He is 25 and works part-time midnight shift as a fast-food diner waiter. Are we unreasonable and any suggestions on this??

Answer 1

No you aren't unreasonable. Tell her to get the hell out. If she doesn't listen. Then put a lock on her door that only you have the key to and then lock up the fridge and bathroom and anything else that she might have access to. When she gets mad tell her she is 19 but she acting like she is 10. Tell her that as a landlord you have the right to hold all her belongings as collateral until she gets a job that she holds down for at least 6 months and tell her that she won't see anything until she shows you that first paycheck and apartment rental.

Answer 2

I see where you're coming from, I've watched my cousin do the exact same thing to my aunt and uncle. I think you are doing the right thing but maybe a more productive alternative would be to set specific goals (instead of telling her to just "better herself"), that way she knows what to work towards. Like... hold a steady job for one month and she can continue living with you. Then gradually increase her responsibilities like pay rent or have specific chores. But if she doesnt do any of these, then she's got to go. I dont think that is unreasonable at all.

Answer 3

She can expect a bill from the university soon. The army should have caught the error. Usually they only pay AFTER the service commitment has been fulfilled. Strange error.
Set a curfew. IT IS STILL YOUR HOUSE! If she wants to go around in unwashed clothing and smell stinky that is her affair. DON'T wash her clothing. She is testing you! Don't make ultiimatums you don't have the heart to keep! Have her hit the road next week on the 1st!.
She is making choices. If she is not ready to leave, she'll tow the line. Stand firm! Or be prepared for many more years of disrespectful dependency.

Answer 4

Worried it sounds like you could really use some good advice...Look, she is 19 years old and evidently going through some trials and tribulations right now and could probably use a friend, someone that she can talk to about her problems as well as someone she can trust to tell secrets with. How is your relationship towards your daughter? Are you the pushy, never give it a rest, always in my business type? Are you kind passive, kinda laid back and watch her fall on her face? Alot of times we as parents can overstep our boundaries and interefere where we know we have no business and what we fail to realize is that by doing those things only pushes them further away from us. Yes, she is your daughter and yes, it is your house or the highway. If she is not taking care of herself now, what makes you think she'd take care of herself out in the real world? She won't be able to because she doesn't know how,so what you will have to do is give her time to straighten up her act or she will have to find another place to stay from here on out cause you're tired of her rude and discourteous behavior. Give her time to find a job and save up enough money so she can move out on her own. If this does not work, you have three more alternatives that I can think of and they all work: Nanny 911, Boot Camp, or NUN. I vote for boot camp cause it did me a heck of a lot good.

Answer 5

Q:Are you being unreasonable?

A: Of course not! Your house...your rules. And she is an adult. You need to stand before her with firmness and tell her to start feeling better about herself and focus on something straight up. Loose the boyfriend if you can but if not you can put time restrictions on his visits...your house your rules. She needs time to study, excerise and maybe find a routine that she can adhere to....and enjoy...add more responsibilities gradually but don't loose the relationship with empty threats. Seems like she's sinking farther so go help your young lady.

Answer 6

KUDOS AND CONGRATULATIONS !
Thank God there are still "thinking" parents out there who've done all they can and yet their child is still "wayward."
At 19 this girl along with her 25 y/o boyfriend ought to be out on their own anyway. Ok, so this may be kind of tough love on your parts, but believe me, when she's matured a bit down the line, she'll be thankful for pushing her out of the nest. Just you and your hubby find something else to occupy yourselves with and celebrate your freedom. Why not get to know each other _differently_ now without worrying? Our kids will live their own lives whether we like the way they do it or not. Didn't you?

Answer 7

Does the doorstep son get any new child help from his dad? If she extremely would not go with her son to pay for that, I propose you should settle for the priority. even if her son stay with you, i do not imagine he ought to stay for extraordinarily lengthy time period, extraordinarily he knows that you and his mom at the on the spot are not in very good financially concern and would't have sufficient money his living in a lengthy time period foundation. My feeling is, see you later as you and your spouse could have sufficient money, only enable him stay and enable him make a contribution regardless of he feels he can do. i do not imagine it is tremendous to manage him as a tenant more desirable than as your household. we've an previous saying : once you genuinely love a house, you should also love the unwelcomed and unsightly crow which lives less than the roof of the relatives. once you genuinely love someone, you should love each and everything of hers, which consists of her son. a wedding ceremony worths more desirable than only a quite a few thousand funds.

Answer 8

No, you are not being unreasonable. (we had a similar situation) needless to say our daughter grew up fast we gave her an ultimatum help out, pitch in, and straighten up or move out. She choose to move out and now she is struggling and wanting help. My husband told her to get a better job. I guess its called tough love! Good luck!

Answer 9

No, you aren't being unreasonable. But, you may fall into the trap of convincing yourself she is too dumb or lazy to make it on her own so you need to take care of her. Just remember, she is 19 now, and has come into her full majority. If you allow her to stay and leach off of you she will do so from now on. She definitely needs a wake up call. Her life is her own now. She needs to learn to make something of it without sponging off of you and your husband. Stick to your guns and don't allow emotional blackmail to sway you. It will be one of the hardest things you have ever done, but please follow through with it, for your ultimate peace of mind and her growth.
Good luck

Answer 10

well if you tell her to pack her bags and go live with the boyfriend, if she is immature now, 9mos later you may be a grandma with another child to raise....no disrespect on your parenting skills at all, they do what they want when they are at the legal age, and think they know it all.....I wonder about the drugs though, very easily hidden if they want to....Trust me when I tell you!! Her not taking care of herself is a sign of laziness, that sounds like drugs are involved, mainly pot, or some other depressants..(when you know she is gone, search her room, you have every right to in this case!!)...She lives at home and won't pitch in and all else you say, time to move out on your own and let her learn the hard way, she won't take care of herself, more than likely she isn't on the pill, so you know what's coming!!)However if you keep making it easy for her to continue the behavior, she will ride you till your strength is gone, if it isn't already...Hard to do I know, I have kids....but sometimes you gotta teach them a lesson......