Do I plan my wedding now or with his help when he's ready?

Question

How can I get him to help me plan our wedding?
I moved in with Jeremy 3 years ago. 1.5 years ago, his 2 kids moved in with us out of an abusive home. The kids are 7 and 9 and call me "mom". They see their birth mom regularly now. We went through some financial and emotional trials with the addition to the new family. Lots of arguments and sad times. All is set right now, and there is open honest trusting communication in this house. The kids are being diagnosed AD/HD, and I am the one taking them to all their appointments, helping with homework, cooking dinners, teaching values and basicly being their parent. Their father, Jeremy still hasn't committed to me with marriage. I consider myself his wife, but we have not tied the knot yet. What should I do, plan it myself, or wait for him to give the "go-ahead" (which would be in the form of a real diamond on my hand rather than a pretend one)?

Answer 1

California is a community property state and I believe a cohabitation state. If you have been living with "Jeremy" for three years and his children have been calling you mom for a year and a half by the laws in that state you are already married. You are just talking about a piece of paper and a ceremony. If they mean something to you then you should by all means have them, but; he should have proposed to you by now and not taken advantage of your relationship to involve you in his children's lives until he has committed to your relationship. That is just wrong. Take Jeremy aside and propose to him and get this over with. I know it should be the other way around but at this point in your relationship who asks who is purely a formality. As for the ring, that is something you should do together. The two of you should pick out rings and set a date, get a license, and figure out if this is going to be an extravagant affair or something simple. I recomend the simple wedding. It saves you money, headaches and in the long run allows you to focus building a life together, a house and a home.

I have to admitt from everything you have asked and answered in the past that I believed he already proposed. He is crazy not to have.

Getting back to the children, I still think they might have been misdiagnosed. I didn't get into it before but I think the problem may have more to do with their hunger for attention than their lack of being able to concentrate. Like you said, their mother is not a strong role model. They come from an abusive relationship. They are more than likely scarred and insecure and craving your attention and more inportantly "Jeremy's" attention. You should not be carrying the load here. That may be part of the problem. Inspite of all your good intentions they may be waiting for him to commit to them as well. I hope you don't take this the wrong way but, "Jeremy" is part of all your problems, and you need to see that before you do anything else.

I know you care for him, but he has done things that make you wonder does he care for you, staying out all night, leaving you with his children, not proposing. Three years is more than enough time to tell you he loves you and wants to marry you. It is time you thought enough is enough and put it to him, "What now?"

I hope you are right and that evrything works out in your favor. I would hate to think that all your effort was for nothing more than good character. You had that to begin with.

Think about it. Ask him if it is important to you. If not then ask yourself "What now?"

Good Luck.

Answer 2

Neither the Bride's mom nor the Groom's mom nor the Bride's sister or the Groom's sister ought to HOST (plan, manage, and pay for) a wedding ceremony or bridal bathe. it is inappropriate and a kind of solicitation. and then regardless of the actuality that you're the Maid of Honor, it continues to be in adverse flavor to host your sister's bathe. it is okay for an aunt or cousin or an huge chum or a coworker to host the bathe even though it isn't ok for a member of the Bride or Groom's prompt relatives to devise, manage or pay for the party. So provide your Aunt or cousin a call and grant your help or ideas only see you later as you stay interior the heritage. responded through: a qualified wedding ceremony specialist / a specialist bridal representative / a wedding ceremony ceremony officiant

Answer 3

Well, you have nothing to plan. You are not engaged until you have a ring and a date. Sounds like he got the full meal deal with you, but don't call yourself a wife, because you are not one. You are handy for him to have to look after everything for him, and I'm sure you do your role well. However, he may not see it the same way. He may not need to or want to get married. There are lots of women in the same position as you on this forum, but you knew what you were getting into with him when you moved in together. You knew it was not marriage; why would you expect it to change? Good for you if you want to get married, that's honorable I guess, but he seems happy with the status quo. My advice is for you to get your independence back, move out on your own and see where your relationship with him goes from there. You have already invested probably over three years with him already...
Think about things, and I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 4

well hunny to tell u the truth i wouldn't rush him. the only reason this that right now there is nothing but stress in ur boyfriends life with his ex and kids and the abuse problems. it can take a toll on the poor man mentally and emotionally .and i know form a fact that having kids even 2 kids with ADHD is hard to handle (i know because i have ADHD too) but what I'm trying to say to hun is that u need to give him time ,talk to him and if he doesn't want to talk about it right then and there just talk about it some other time when hes more comfortable and ready! also if he loves u enough like he says, then he will ask u. when the time is right :)

Answer 5

You have every right to expect him to marry you. Asking you to be his children's mother without respecting you enough to marry you isn't very honorable, unless you two have agreed that you actually want to live that way (I know a couple that doesn't want to be married, but you obviously find it important, so it is.)

I would bring this up with him, and let him know that you've waited 3 years, helped raise his children, and that you're looking for commitment. Be honest - if it's enough to make you leave, tell him that. That might light a fire under him.

Answer 6

I do not recommend this except in unusual cases, and yours qualifies big time. Tell him what you want, when you want it, and you expect his cooperation, Also spell out in plain understandable English, what the consequences will be if there is non compliance. Best of luck you deserve all the happiness in the world

Answer 7

give him clues that you want to get married. or maybe the children will ask when you will marry their dad. do not plan a wedding without him asking because that could result in a mediate breakup. if he asks you to marry him then you can plan the wedding.

Answer 8

Have you guys discussed marriage? It really depends on what he has said about it. If he dodges the subject.... I think he just likes you taking care of his kids.

Answer 9

I don't think he wants to marry you. If you really love him, confront him about where this relationship is going, if it has a future of not. You deserve a honest, straight-forward answer. You deserve better. Don't feel obligated to be a "mother" to his kids, unless you really care for them.

Answer 10

well i would wait till he asked me dont worry it will come soon. touch the topic a little and see what he says. then start to plan the wedding.