Update: My sailor didn't pick me. What's your take on this??

Question

My first question on Yahoo Answers was about my friendship with a sailor, that progressed into love. We've never been in a relationship, but he does indeed love me to this day. He has a young child and has decided to reconcile with his child's mother. As a friend, I encourage him to do so, but also told him to be mindful. Just because it seems right to make a family doesn't mean it IS right for him. So, I am still going to stand by as a friend. He says he is actually confused about what to do with his feelings for me. My personal opinion, based on history and just having lived life is that this thing with his child's mother won't last long. He hated her before he was deployed. I know how being away from home can make a person homesick and things seem so much better than they really are. So, while I don't hope for the demise of his relationship, I don't want to completely bow out and lose my friend--especially IF IF IF things don't last between the two of them.

I want to add that I am indeed dating other people. I am not waiting around with my life on hold. So, I am sorry if I conveyed that. I definitely love myself and take care of my best interests. Also, I am definitely into wrecking a home. I know how and when to fall back, we are good friends so I know a lot about his feelings and so forth.

I want to add that I am indeed dating other people. I am not waiting around with my life on hold. So, I am sorry if I conveyed that. I definitely love myself and take care of my best interests. Also, I am definitely into wrecking a home. I know how and when to fall back, we are good friends so I know a lot about his feelings and so forth.

Answer 1

I'm am in a very serious relaitonship with a salior.
He and i started as friends while he was stationed in California.
The day after Christmas he left to go back to the ship, I knew that I loved him, and that he loved me, so I did the only thing I knew to do. I told him.
Well, that didnt go exactly as planned.
Instead of reciprocating and telling me what i was so desperate to hear, he broke up with me.
I ofcourse was devestated and we didnt speak for months.
Then one day out of the blue he told me that he loved me and he wanted to be with me.
Everything has been perfect ever since.
When I asked him why, he gave me a list of reasons, but one stood out.
He was scared.
He was scared to start a new relationship, with someone he knew cared about him as much as he cared about me.
So he took off running and landed right back where he was.
With someone he knew he had no future with but was comfortable.
When I asked him why he changed his mind he told me he knew I was it for him all along, he just couldnt shake his fear. It wasnt until he realized that I had been there all along, as his friend and only his friend.
I had always been there when he needed me, even if it wasnt convient, because I cared.
My advice, if you truly love him, and he loves you, remain his friend. Don't push a relationship, just be there.
And he will eventually see that he was wrong.
Military men have a need to do what is right, what is moral.
But they also know that their happiness is more important.
He wants to try for his family, but when it all boils down he will see that it was you all along.

Answer 2

Your right I would remain as a friend, because when you do come back from a deployment you do feel different(deployed Desert Storm) but hes also in the Navy which means hes out on a ship more. Give it time if you truly believe Thur all you letters and talks that there is no much difference between he and his wife then it won't work and no one should stay married just for the kid. Please remember however to include the kid in the conversation concern the two of you. Because his child will be of his mind during deployments. His wife may be afraid of losing those military benefits and just string him along to get those. So she might be saying anything just to keep those. The big question is can you be a good friend why he figures out what he has to do. because when he goes back to sea his mind needs to be on his job. especially if this stupid thing gets out of hand

Answer 3

Okay, so you're not really doing the friend thing. You're doing the Prospective Girlfriend in Friend's Clothing thing.

I hereby nominate you for honorary male status. This is a play right out of the guy handbook!

It's also evil when we do it.

C'mon, admit it. You want it to fall through and you want to be there to pick up the pieces. Oh wait, you DID admit it..."especially IF IF IF things don't last..."

Here's the problem: Friends have a certain role to play. Love interests have another. You have a conflict of interest, and any advice you might give him is suspect.

Either back off completely, or tell him PLAINLY that you're only taking the "demotion" to just plain friend because you're still interested. He deserves to know exactly where you're coming from.

Or you could go find yourself a guy who considers you his first choice, instead of being someone's fallback plan.

Just a thought.

Answer 4

You're right, stick around and be his friend. Just because they have a kid together doesn't mean they have to be together. You're NOT being a homewrecker so don't listen to that crap. At least he's attempting to reconcile with her which says alot about his character. Be his friend, hold your tongue for a bit and when (not if!) they do break up, you'll be there. Don't wait too long though, keep your options open so you still have a life outside of this situation. Good luck.

Answer 5

I am glad that you are being so mature about this although I understand how hurt you must be. Remember that if he didn't give the other relationship one last chance he would always wonder if he should have. It is the difficult situations that we face in life and come through that build our character, and I think that he is truly missing out on the opportunity to be with a amazing person. Stay strong and see where your destiny will take you next. God bless.

Answer 6

Your never going to have this woman out of your life if this man is in your life he has a child with her.
Also from what i read he is your friend but he is confused about "what to do with his feelings for you"....do you want him to be more than a friend? Are you willing to make his child a part of your life? If he is a friend and you are his friend and noone has ulterior motives i don't think it matters if things work out with them or not a friend is a friend. However, if you or he or both of you want more...you need to be open about it.

Answer 7

That is a good plan. He sounds like a good guy that wants what's best for his child. He'll need to wrap his head around the reality of: sometimes what's best for the child is to separate from the mom. Leaving her won't change the way he will always love and care for his kid.

Answer 8

I think your side makes a lot of sense. And having someone there for him is going to be good because more than likely his relationship with the childs mother isn't going to last long. Good luck.

Answer 9

My advice to you is stop trying to be such a "friend" to him, and be a "friend" to yourself. Instead of waiting for "IF IF IF", why don't you move on with your life and respect his decision to give his family a chance. In fact never mind respecting him, how about respecting yourself? Sometimes people fall in love with the wrong people at the wrong time. People like that have to acknowledge this type of problem and move on. Move on.

Answer 10

Maybe I'm just a b itch, but I'd go after him. It sounds as if the relationship with the other woman is destined for disaster, so why not?