My father died 10 years ago and I don't know how to make my sister understand what he was. What do I do?

Question

My father was a cold, demanding, sometimes abusive man. When I was 8, he drove off (with my sister in the car) and left me in a parking lot for ten minutes because I was having a temper tantrum. When he died, my life improved so drastically, but my sister doesn't remember any of the bad parts. She is always talking about how wonderful our father was and how much she misses him. Now she wants us to travel oversees to visit his grave and I don't want anything to do with him. I've forgiven him for what he was, but I can't love him. How do I make my sister understand that I don't love him, without losing her?

Answer 1

Wow. That's a very tough situation you're in. Personally? I would try to talk to her and tell her about your thoughts. Yes, she may take it the wrong way, but she's put you into a position where you must disclose your feelings about your father to her.

I honestly doubt that you'll lose her. I mean, you sound like a very reasonable person, and if you present your case in a very rational and calm manner, one would hope that your sister will understand.

I think it's important that this doesn't escalate into a confrontation. I stress the notion of remaining rational during your conversation with her. You've probably heard the saying, "It's now what you say, it's HOW you say it"...well, you may be amazed of how true that statement is.

I hope this helps, and wish you the best of luck.

Answer 2

Tell her that your glad he was wonderful to her, but you didn't share the same experience. Tell her that your not trying to take away the feelings she has for her dad but the fact is he didn't treat you so well and you prefer to just forget that part of your life and move on. Tell her how you were treated so that she understands better why you have a problem seeing him as a wonderful person. Don't expect her to change her views (I'm sure she wouldn't want to think he was the type of person you describe) but at least that way she would know why you feel how you do towards him. It really sounds more like she is just trying to make things sound good so she doesn't have to face the fact that her father was not this wonderful man she tries to make him be. Sometimes it's easier for people from abusive homes to handle things that way. There is no reason what so ever for you to travel oversees to visit his grave...just move on with your life and live a happy one. Good Luck.

Answer 3

This is a tough thing for you. Your sister needs to hear the truth. She doesn't remember him, she doesn't' know how he really was. Let her know that there are two sides to a person, and that sometimes the other side isn't always the best one. Tell her that you're happy she remembers him as a good person, but you remember differently. make it known to her that you cannot go with her to visit his grave because it is to much for you, that you wouldn't feel comfortable. Your sister loves you, she won't leave you - especially not for a man who has been dead ten years. Usually, it is our ideas, and our perceptions of the dead that are wrong. Good luck.

Answer 4

This may be impossible. I have the same situation, my sister has objectified my biological father. He passed away many years ago and neither of us got the chance to meet him. But I found some of the letters he wrote his brother, and was able to get a good picture of who he was. My father was mean and manipulative. My sister has read the same letters and gets the opposite impression.

It has taken me some time to realise that this won’t change. And although we fight over this issue, we have agreed to disagree. Which results in us not talking for over 10 years now.

So I wish you more success than I had, you both need each other more than you know.

Answer 5

My brothers and I may as well have grown up in different households. That's how different our opinion of our Dad is. I finally told my brothers (who have opinion more like your own) that my memories are quite different, and it's not worth debating at this point. Let your sister know that you had a different history than her (even if you think hers was the same, this will keep peace), and you are not yet at a place where you're comfortable going to the grave site. She'd be hard pressed to argue with this.

Answer 6

Why is important to you to tell your sister how you feel about your father? I don't think the important issue here is whether or not you want to visit his grave. I want you to think about your relationship with your sister. If you want to keep her how about going with her to the grave, not because you want to visit the grave but because you love your sister and want to support her need to go. There is no reason in the world that you have to explain anything at all to her about your feelings toward your father. Let her have her feelings, whatever they may be. Just do whatever it takes to show her you love and respect her.

Answer 7

My parents are both dead. My brother & sister can both come up with plenty of things to complain about regarding them. My philosophy is that the bad stuff is all irrelevant now. Maybe that's what your sister is thinking, too.

You're on shaky ground there. If you really have no interest in going to his grave, don't go. You may lose your sister. There may be no way to avoid that. Why don't you go and be very clear that you are going for *her* not for your dad.

Answer 8

I would not tell her anything negative about the father she loves---if doen the road things begin to surface in her mind and she askes you, then I would let her know how you experienced your dad. At this point what good will it serve to tell her your feelings? As far as the trip is concerned, instead of looking at it like a pirgrimage to ur dads grave just look at it as time you will spend with ur sister....blessings...

Answer 9

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Answer 10

Tell her about your feelings, soften it up if you have to because maybe she didnt have the same experiences that you did. I hope she is mature enough to respect your feelings since he is gone and nothing can be gained from digging up the past in this way for you.

Good luck