How do you tell the person you love, that you are not in love with them?
I have been with him for 3 years. We live together, and I just turned 18. He is 23. I cannot picture my life without him, but then I cannot picture a happy satisfying future with him either. Part of me wants to stay with him, but the other part is telling me I need to get out. He has cheated before, and I forgave him. I even trust him to the fullest extent. He has proven himself, but now I am finding myself doubting our happiness together. It makes me cry just thinking about leaving him, but I know we do not have a healthy relationship. Deep down I feel if I am commited to moving on, then why cant I commit to fully love him like I have had before. I want him to be happy and he says he is happy with me. We have talked about this before, but he always talks me into staying. Communication is terrible but I have told him how I felt. I want to be happy with him, but for some reason I just cant allow myself to.
2007-01-26 06:03:28 · 19 answers · asked by dee m 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
So that right there tells me I am not fully in love with him like I so blindingly see. I have attached myself to him since I was 15, he is my only friend right now. I do not want to hurt him, but I also feel like I am lying to him when I say I love you.
Please advise! I don’t know what to do…
2007-01-26 06:03:46 · update #1
Some people think that the top layer of what they feel and think is all that there is,yet .they feel something's missing in their relationship.Others know how they feel instead of stating their feelings as their own,they blame how they feel on their lover. USUALLY people will respond with answers that are about their lovers. Ask yourself these questions What about that bothers me? How do i feel about it? How do i react to it? What does he or she means to me? Even if u know the answers, see if you can connect to your feelings about it and notice anyother thoughts, feelings, associtions, or memories come to you spontaneously. Sometimes the best STUFF just suddenly occurs to us. Next find an opportunity when you an ur lover can share how you are feeling about the issue. when mentioning something about his/her behaviour that affects you, phrase it with your own experience. (''when i think that you are not listening to mei feel... i then worry that... it remindes me of ... which...feels... to me'') You might be tempted to leap to a solution, but this is only the beginning if you settle on a solution too quickly you could miss something that still needs to be unearthed. the listener's job is to listen attentively and to verbalize understanding for the other feelings regaardless whether or not the listener agrees with his/her loveer's perpception of the events. By each of you truly understanding the other person's perspective without judgement,you'll be able to move through this barrier in your RELATIONSHIP.
2007-01-26 07:12:38 · answer #1 · answered by DJ REAPER 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can't tell you what to do. But here are things in your post that jump out at me.
You cannot picture a satisfying life with him.
Part of you is telling you you need to get out.
He has cheated before.
You doubt your happiness together.
You know you do not have a healthy relationship.
Deep down you say you are committed to moving on.
Communication is terrible.
You have told him how you feel.
*********
All red flags to me.
What are your alternatives?
Break up with him.
Stay with him.
Change your relationship - see him, but see others as well.
Are there any alternatives I'm missing?
Love Jack
2007-01-26 06:18:51 · answer #2 · answered by Jack 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you say you have no ther friends, maybe this is the reason you dont leave?
you are very young still... you have a lot of life to explore, and tho i know you still love him, but prolly more like a friend then a lover now?
if you are feeling guilt at leaving then make a deal with yourself.... put all your effort into rekindling the spark between you, refreshing your relationship together, have a break from your normal routine together, go away for a weekend, go for a meal, do anythign you dont normally do..... try this for say a month... and if at the end of it you still feel like you want to go, then you have tried your hardest and you know the spark has gone, then it is time to get the courage to move on...
try to make some new friends other than him... join a club, gym, class anything that you can to meet people, once you start having a social life with friends and a life again and seeing the fun life has to offer a 18year old with the world at her feet you will soon get the life you want and be happy for yourself, because at the end of the day only you can make yourself happy.
good luck xx
2007-01-26 06:13:25 · answer #3 · answered by merrpet 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you have spend your first 3 years of your "dating life" with one person and just realized there are other fish in the sea. How can you possibly know if he is your "Mr right" if you have nothing to compare him to. (even if you don't have your eye on someone else right now) You are very young to be so committed to one person for a life time. Maybe a little space will do you some good.
You have not even had a chance to be yourself or self sufficient.
If you can't be happy with yourself, how can you make your partner happy?
Just to add, your a woman now and your thoughts and feelings have changed.
I believe he stole your identity from you as a 15 year old child.
Go and find out who you are and what you want in life. Not just in a guy, but in all aspects of your life. I believe you know you can better. Make it happen!
2007-01-26 06:16:06 · answer #4 · answered by EsteeIsFrench 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You will probably love him in your own very special way and I feel for you being in this position. You are moving apart from each other and though it will be very hard you may be the wiser of the two. For you are already feeling the apprehension of staying together. It may be that you will have to have greater restraint than he does. He will try to keep you and he will try to hold you so you do not leave.
If you are already seeing that you are not suited for each other then you will know when the good time is to move ahead and onward. If you are going away to school that will assist you in breaking from each other.
Being serious right now at the start of your life is not time for pressure or stress. Right now you need to have the time of your life.
Inside you can judge just the way you feel and know in your heart that you truly care about him but you also care about you, and your future. Move slowly and do things accordingly .
You will be happy with your decisions.
I really feel for you
2007-01-26 06:24:22 · answer #5 · answered by Spirit_Rain_3-SunShineAries 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
YOU HAVE OUTGROWN HIM!
Don't feel guilty. Sad perhaps..but not guilty. Time to acknowledge to yourself exactly what you are saying to us....
You are 18, not a child anymore and you long to stretch your legs and live a different life. Who said that you need to be married or settled down?
You are just a bit afraid. Nothing wrong with that. So just say you love him...but that it isn't enough to stay in this life anymore.
Get a different job, get a different place to live and once you have the basics done, then tell him that you are leaving. If he is going to be unreasonable about it...prepare to move away from the area.
You may not do it now...but you will. Good luck darlin....and many years of happiness to you.
2007-01-26 06:13:05 · answer #6 · answered by kishoti 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
FInd out what you truly feel. If you feel this way then do this.
You are in trouble. Find an out. Find a way to get out quick. Find a person to stay with. Get their permission to bunk with them and make arrangements. Next tell the friend who is helping to move you move that you will give them a call at a certain time and if you don't call them come anyway at this time. You arrange it so that you talk with your bf before the friend comes so that if something bad happens then you will have some support on your side when you need it. Tell him what you said in this letter. Then get out of there.
Stay strong...
2007-01-26 06:24:45 · answer #7 · answered by thors13thhammer2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are very young and you're realising what you wanted at 15 is different than what you want at 18. I think you already know what you want and need to do, but it's scary to change your life. You need to move out and tell him the truth. You have a lot of your life ahead of you and time is too precious to be with someone who you don't love. Best of luck!
2007-01-26 06:11:59 · answer #8 · answered by DEENIE 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you need to take some time apart to really think things over. Don't act too hastily. You may just need some time on your own to get things straight and figure out what you really want. If you still feel the same way, you will just have to sit him down and expain to him how you feel and then move on. Good luck to you guys!
2007-01-26 06:16:18 · answer #9 · answered by Green Eyes 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you didnt love him you wouldnt still be there, you wouldnt hurt when you thoguht about leaving. Regardless you obviously have a few problems in the relationship that you need to work on. I suggest sit down and make a few boundaries for eachother and see how it goes. If it doesnt help then maybe talk to him about seperating for a while.
2007-01-26 06:11:50 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋