Ok so my friend is engaged and in the process of planning her wedding. She is working on the guest list and is having some disagreements with her fiance. Her fiance comes from a small town where everybody kinda knows everybody. He used to date this girl for 3-4 years in high school/college and they are still "friends" (I dont think they hang out or anything but still email every once in a while etc) almost 10 years later. Because of the fact they lived in a small town, a lot of his friends are her(the exs) friends as well, some even still really close to her. Is it wrong for my friend (the one who is getting married) to tell her fiance she does NOT want the "common" friends there (and some he isnt even that close to anymore)? She doesnt want them to mention her, or take pictures of them and show them to the ex.. etc..(I dont know her full reasoning though)He isnt going to invite the ex, obviously...but what should I tell her? Any advice would be helpful. Thanks.
2007-01-26 05:30:39 · 18 answers · asked by Ash_082 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
PS I'm not going to stay out of it, when she has asked for my help and advice. I am just asking what you would say if a friend asked you the same question.
2007-01-26 05:36:30 · update #1
I don't think you should be taking advice from people who are saying "stay out of it" or "your friend shouldn't get married if she has such issues". Girls are girls. They get jealous of any girl who was in their lovers life before hand. I never even met my boyfriends ex's and I can't stand them just for stories I have heard or the fact that they shared kisses and hugs with him. It takes away from what we share to me. He think's I need to get over it and I tell him "i'm a girl, it's going to bother me". The only thing that should matter is that the people who come matter to them. If the fiance still talks to some of his old friends, let them come... even if they do still talk to the dreaded ex. And I doubt they are going to bring her up since it's his wedding and they realize it's over between them. If the fiance can't bring his friends that he isn't really close with it's only fair that she excludes friends that aren't there for her now. Everything should be fair. That is what a marriage is about. 50/50.
2007-01-26 07:00:43 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your friend has trust issues that she really needs to get out in the open with her spouse. They need to go to counseling and make sure she's ready to enter a marriage relationship if she is that paranoid about an old relationship. There is a possibility that the fiance sometimes uses the spectre of the old girlfriend to be emotionally abusive to his fiance. Which is another reason I would recommend counseling of some sort. If these old friends actively tried to destroy the relationship between her and the fiance that might be one reason to not invite them but you'd have to question why he's still friends with them! There is a lot more going on here that may spell doom for this marriage.
In a general situation where a big wedding is being planned it would be horribly rude to not invite the common friends. In a small town she will be referred to as that "snob" such and such married etc. etc. The fact is that the fact that the old girl friend isn't being invited might be considered rude in a small town! Of course she might respectfully decline the invitation if the relationship had a nasty breakup!
I was in this same situation and I solved it by just having family come to a small private wedding. I even used by husband's sister as my bridesmaid.
2007-01-26 05:45:34 · answer #2 · answered by psycho-cook 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a common question actually and men respond differently than women all the time, but this situation is reversed, its usually the women who think they can be friends with Ex's. Bottom line is this, there is no such thing as an EX being a "friend". Because there was a relationship there at some time, it will always be more than "friends". Its rude to anyones significant other to expect that one could invite such a person to any event let alone a wedding and have their be no ill feelings. When people break up, the go their separate ways forever, there is no in between, there cannot be. This groom's excuse is lame. He should have a lot more respect for his wife to be's feelings, and forget he ever saw or knew any other females. Small town, schmall town, it makes no difference, he owes them nothing and should expect nothing. If the Ex's don't understand that, then maybe its very good he isn't still with them.
2007-01-26 05:44:33 · answer #3 · answered by Dave 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If the bride's family is paying, she should have the final say. I would not want anything to do with exes unless they were friends with both the bride and groom. That is only fair.
The past is the past. They can only have a limited number of people so why invite his whole hometown? I would never invite anyone to a wedding that was not a part of my life. Why would he want people there that were going to be upsetting to her?
If he does not have people that are really a part of his present life to invite, well too bad. The wedding won't have to cost as much and onlly people who are deserving will be there.
2007-01-26 05:45:18 · answer #4 · answered by justbeingher 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She needs to acknowledge her fiance has a past and put herself in his shoes. Would SHE be upset if her fiance refused to allow her friends to come to her wedding? That's really the core of the matter. It is not so much about the ex (she's history), but his friends.
She needs to take a hard look at how she would feel if her fiance did the same thing to her. This is one day in the life of BOTH.
2007-01-26 05:57:33 · answer #5 · answered by loryntoo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like she is being a little controlling, just because if his ex-girlfriend wants to see pictures that badly, I'm sure she'll find a way to see them, especially if he and she keep in touch sometimes. I would think the ex-girlfriend would understand not being invited, for the sake of his about-to-be-wife, but I think your friend should trust that her future husband loves her, and trust his judgement as to which of his friends he would like to invite. Then he can be free to make the call, and to respect her (his fiance), instead of her trying to control his decision or make demands
2007-01-26 05:50:52 · answer #6 · answered by John Henry 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me like there is a little more to this story.
Bride has 1) trust issues w/ Groom or she wouldn't care if old girlfriend saw pictures of the wedding.
2) Bride is maybe a little jealous of old girlfriend.
This needs to be met head on before they get married because these friends will always be around!
2007-01-26 05:43:17 · answer #7 · answered by Meleah J 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I can understand why she wouldn't want his ex at the wedding, but his mutual friends w/ his ex should be allowed to come. It's silly and childish to say you don't want them there because they will take pictures and show them to the ex...... it really doesn't matter does it? She'll probably see the wedding announcemet in the newspaper anyway. Tell your friend to grow up.
2007-01-26 05:41:13 · answer #8 · answered by Smitty 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly the people telling you to stay out of it shouldnt be answering. But now for you i think that she needs to understand that if he came from a small town people are everyone friends. so for her to say they cant come is like sayin that he cant invite any friends. so if thats the case than she shouldnt be able to invite any of her friends. I mean thats what i would do if i were in this position
2007-01-26 07:01:19 · answer #9 · answered by Dez 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hey it is her wedding, she should be able to do what she wants, but it has been ten years for crying out loud, he and the ex girlfriend are not going to go back togeather. However, if she is that worried, maybe she shouldn't be getting married anyway. My daughter's husband had an old girlfriend stand as his best "man" (she was also engaged to someone else). Ex is ex, but like I said, it is her wedding she gets to do what ever she wants to do.
2007-01-26 05:41:50 · answer #10 · answered by redhotboxsoxfan 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋