What can we do to connect to an estraged sibling?

Question

I have two siblings. One sib and I talk at least two times a week. We talk to our parents a few times a week. The other sib never call or wants to talk when we call and only occasionaly talks with our parents. We would like to have a close relationship with this sib, but we feel like strangers.

Answer 1

Trust me darling, as the estranged sibling myself you can not MAKE this happen. You do not know the path this person is on or what choices they are making to stay estranged. Mine was addiction and homosexuality. I kept everyone at arms length (if not further) because of shame, guilt, the lies my addiction was telling me about them or unfounded fears of how they may react to my homosexuality and most importantly (at the time) I was afraid I would have to share my stash!
Luckily my family is very familiar with AA and AlAnon because of other alcoholics and addicts in the family and they knew the best thing to do, which I believe after experiencing it for myself really is the only thing you can do and stay sane yourself: Be there. Let them know you're there and that you love them and there is always an open door when they are ready to walk through it. If you feel there are some amends that need to be made by past wrongs you may want to write a letter (phone or in person can get emotional) stating just that. Not accusing or trying to figure out who was right or wrong, just simply apologizing for the fact that it happened at all. Then when you feel your side of the street is clean you will not only be able to look them and yourself in the eyes but you can also welcome them back with unconditional love for whoever and whatever they may be. Not only will the estranged sibling be more inclined to respond but even if they don't that nagging feeling that maybe you could have done something more will disappear and you will be able to accept life on life's terms with or without that sibling knowing you did your part. If they still choose not to respond well God bless them and wish them the best. You can lead a horse to water--but you can't make him think.
If you still feel you need more go ahead and try AlAnon. Whether dealing with an alcoholic, addict or not-- it still helps everyone with their codependency issues---and its FREE!
God bless and all the best to you and your family.

Answer 2

I suggest you print out the question you wrote up above showing that you posted it at the Yahoo site. Send it as a letter (not an email) to your sibling. Write on it, "I would really like to know you and to have a good relationship with you, but I will respect your wishes. If you are willing, would you help me understand why it seems like you don't want to talk? Am I just misreading the cues? I love you and would like to be closer. My phone number is _____. Give me a call if you would like to talk. Love, _____

The fact that you cared enough about wanting to connect with your sibling and read through 29 different answers shows that you really do want to connect if the other person is willing.
If your sib has a heart that is interested in trying to build a relationship, I think the letter will open the door. Shalom and G-d's best to you.

Answer 3

Hey>sorry , to hear that you have a rift in your family ---- but with all families it will happen and there is not a thing you can do about it !!-- Believe me you may love and care as much as you want >> just don't think that >>>that is always enough ,, there is a reason only your sib will know leave it and let it play it's role , families are meant to be together , when the time is right don't force it our try little ways of getting it together --> it won't work all good things come to those who wait !!!!

Answer 4

"The other sib never calls or wants to talk when we call and only occasionaly talks with our parents."

Sometimes the sibling has "moved on" with their life and considers their own existing family (if married or s.o.) the focus of their life, not parents or siblings.

I have experienced this with both of my brothers, I would like to have more of a relationship with them but we don't.

You may have to change your idea of "estranged." Perhaps this sibling is fine with the way things are, doesn't feel the way that you do about keeping in touch, and is fine with the situation with the parents. Not much you can do.

Answer 5

My youngest sib and I never got along when we were children. I guess we loved one another, but we just never seemed to "like" one another. It caused problems then and because we are older, still causes problems.

My family has other things going on right now that don't help matters, but let me say this. If this 'estrangement' started early on, you just may be past the "bonding" stage. You may have to go your way and your estranged sib will go their way.

Always keep this person informed of important things, like family health problems, moving, births, deaths etc. Never cut them out of of the important things, but do go your own ways.

Because of our 'dislike' of one another, I have been shut out of many things, only to find them out through another sibling. This is the way I was told about this sibling's illness. Our family has a devastating hereditary disease and now she has it. Which might explain some of this persons actions in the past, even so, the damage has been done, and there is just no closeness there. It is so sad.

So...do what the others are telling you first. Make an attempt. If it doesn't work then it's time you all lived your own lives and moved on. This may not be the solution you want, but it is an answer. Good Luck!

Answer 6

If you live close to this estranged sib, call them up and try and get together for dinner, etc. If you live far away, plan a special trip to go visit that sib with your other family members. Most importantly, get together and talk! Maybe you sib is upset about something or is having a personal problem. You won't know until you talk to them, one on one. Don't let them make any excuses...get them to see you. They probably don't like the current state of your relationship either, but they don't know how to make the first step. Good luck!

Answer 7

i came from a very big family of 10 brothers and 2 sister and that means a lot of different opinions, attitude, arguments and misunderstanding towards one another but one thing that we always try to avoid is not talking to each other no matter what..if there is some misunderstanding and arguments which happens a lot of times on the next meeting or get together or just being together all is forgotten and nobody even talk about such a thing and if it happens again so it still the same things just plain forget and forgive stuff and not expecting anything big or small from one another....invite your estranged sibling for a cup of coffee or whatever but don't make a big deal out of it , if he/she say no then try again some other time again and again until such time come that he.she say yes and then don't mention anything about anything and just take it from there and when everything settle down put up a rule that agreeable to everybody re relationship of not expecting anything from anyone just loving if its there, and togetherness if none other else.. good luck hope things turns out okaty because family is the most treasured thing you can have in this life better than anything else! pride is the worst thing that gets in the middle of family squabbles, and it is such a mundane thing for anyone but the most common cause of heartache to almost everyone.

Answer 8

It's hard to say, because a lot can depend on the reasons of the estrangement.

My husband keeps a distance from his family (parents + sibs) for very good reasons - their destructive behavior. When they DO call, it's because they need money for an alleged "$1500 electric bill", or because they spent their rent money at the casino.

The only thing that would change his mind would be a LENGTHY time period of improved behavior.

I realize this may not be similar to your situation at all - but it's an example of a reason...

Answer 9

well just ask the sib if they would like to get to know u better and if they do then everything should work out great if not, on the other as long as u call and let them no that u want a relationship w them then its up to them to call and continue the relationship

Answer 10

My family says a lot of the same things about me, that I don't reach out to them. My family is very judgmental about me, what I do and who I am.

In many families one parent chooses a specific child to abuse and then recruits other members of the family to assist in that abuse. The child is "bad" and "deserves" the punishment. An extreme case of this exact family dynamic was chronicled in a series of books starting with "A child called it".

To this day, in spite of having become an engineer who works with fortune five hundred companies and organizations such as NASA my family still tells me I deserve to be punished, I deserve the abuse my father heaped on me and I still get the blame from them for anything that goes wrong when I am around.

I am successful because I stay away from my family. They are a bunch of judgmental jerks who would rather see me unhappy than help me with anything.

My family wants some pretentious fantasy. My friends actually love me and accept me.

My family wouldn't cross the street to put me out if I were on fire, but, they want a "family relationship" where they get to judge me and tell me how wrong I am even when I can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am right, then "the way I put it is wrong".

Horse hockey.

If you are just reaching out because you want "family" don't waste your time. If you are reaching out because you actually love someone....

If you want a relationship with this person don't tell them they are wrong or that there is something wrong with them. Don't spend your time putting them down or blaming them for things they probably never did. Accept them for who they are.