Help with jealousy?

Question

Hello.
I would particularly like help from a Biblical perpective, but general help would also be appreciated.
I am extremely jealous of a girl, a few months older than me. For 8 months into our relationship and for many months before, my boyfriend was in love with her.
She's unbelievably beautiful, and nice to everyone. She's in a band, she's confident, she has whatever she wants.

I shouldn't be jealous of her, I should be happy for her, but just thinking about her makes me feel physically sick with jealousy. I am not as pretty as her, I don't have her patience, and for all the things I did for my boyfriend, all he could think about was her, though I forgive him for that, because you can't help who you love. But every guy wants to be with her, every girl wants to be her... and I just don't want to be jealous anymore.

Help?
x

Answer 1

Well I mean your boyfriend is with you isn't he? I mean you have things about yourself that he must love and want to be with or else he would try to be with her...even if he got rejected. I think part of life is about accepting our flaws but still having confidence in ourselves. I mean I know somewhere out there in this world there are better looking guys, I think maybe they live in Portugal or somewhere but I have accepted that. I just live my life not really caring what anyone else thinks. I mean Just accept that she has some things going for her and move on. nobody is perfect but just be happy you are who you are.

Answer 2

I can understand you so well having been in that situation more than once but now being happily married. I think you're doing 2 main mistakes: 1. You underestimate yourself. How is your self-esteem? Is it low? If it is, you might tend to think everybody else better than you, even if you are a great person, nice, smart, good-looking, whatever... All of that doesn't really matter if your self-esteem is low. Then you will always compare yourself and think the others better than you. 2. You started going out with a guy whose heart was not completely free to love somebody else. A HUUUUGE mistake. It can only bring you suffering but I understand why you did it in the first place - you loved the guy. So what's the natural result out of all that - of course, jealousy. Now about help, I don't think you will ever stop being jealous unless 1. You get convinced that you are worth loving for what you are and 2. Get convinced the guy you love loves you back for what you are and not just as a second resort because he doesn't have any chance to be with the "princess". You can work on the first and maybe it will help for the second. Good luck.

Answer 3

Who is a rich man...the one who is happy with his lot.

It seems to me that you don't really have a problem with this other girl, but you have a problem with your boyfriend. As a guy, I can tell you that the male libido (for most) makes a calculation of what it would be like with most any female. It's the male nature. The question arises when that momentary spike in testosterone becomes anything more than that....and for you boyfriend, this other girl has become just that. If this is the case, you have every right to be upset, but not necessarily jealous. This girl, from your description, has done absolutely nothing to harm you. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, is hurting you by not giving you the level of attention and affection that you deserve.

You must get up the courage to give your boyfriend an ultimatum. If he wants you, then he has to stop pining for her. If he can't do that...you must be ready to walk away. Explain that you understand that men will take notice of pretty girls and even make comments about them...but to obsess about them is inappropriate and you won't stand for it.

The man you want in your life is the one who puts you first above everything else, especially all other women. Be strong and if he really loves you like you love him, it will work out...if not, you'll end up better for it.

Answer 4

Know what? I bet she hates a few things too, if she were honest with you. Like I bet that she knows in her heart that all these guys want to be with her not because she's a great person, but because they can use her to hang on their arm and show off like a barbie doll.
Look, you need to seriously drop this - for every day you spend in this jealousy mode, thats a day that you didn't do something to make YOU a better person, or get YOU that attention for being an amazing person, or help YOU become a noted successful person in a field. Try to think about raising yourself up; Who cares if someone is better looking than you? We can all find someone out there thats better than we are. If not for her, it would always be someone else, as long as you don't raise the bar on yourself. What do you have to offer? What are the good points about you that someone would find fantastic? Maybe its just something simple like you are the one who is always there when someone needs a hand - or just a smile to get through a rough day - these are things that are precious and so badly needed in this world today. So don't sell yourself short. But you can't be of help to anyone if in the back of your mind this one - and I stress - this ONE person is making you feel like theres no sense in even trying. You know, a person can be real beautiful and in a band, and nice to others. But in a new york minute that can all change. She could get allergies, her band could break up, and she could be pissed off about it and not so nice anymore.
Hope that doesn't happen, but hey, it could. Life has a way of taking swift left turns on us. So concentrate on what you can do and what you can be, and forget what she is or isn't. It makes no difference whatsoever, - that is, unless you choose to let it dominate your entire life. Let it go. Today, make a list of everything good about yourself in one column - and another column with everything you are not happy about in yourself.
Do it with complete honesty. Then look at the list, and one by one thats what you concentrate on - just you. When that other person is out of your life and sight - you will still have to live with you. Theres no getting away from that. So start loving you.

Answer 5

From the Biblical point of view, Galatians 5:16-26 covers jealousy and envy.
It says that there are certain things that are signs of living in the spirit, and other signs of living in the flesh.

LIVING IN THE SPIRIT produces these things.
Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness,
Gentleness, Self-Control, against these there is no law.

LIVING IN THE FLESH produces these things.
Adultery, Fornication, Uncleanness, Lewdness, Idolatry, Sorcery, Hatred, Contentions [Arguments], JEALOUSIES, Outburst of Wrath, Selfish Ambitions, Dissensions [negativity], Heresies, ENVY, Murders, Drunkenness, Revelries [wild parties], and the like; of which I tell you before hand, just as I also told you in the time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

The words that I capitalized relate to your problem.
You do not want to be left out of heaven because of these things.
Ask God to take them away from you.
Continue to ask until they are gone.

grace2u

Answer 6

Jealousy in general stems from dwelling on ourselves instead of dwelling on the Lord. To get over your jealousy, I recommend worship. When it comes right down to it, Jesus is all that matters.

Is this girl saved? If she isn’t, there is nothing to be jealous about.

The bigger concern is, where are you and your bo going? You could look at it this way—You’ve got the guy, and she doesn’t. But seriously, you need to have open communication with your bo. Show him that he can talk to you without you getting angry. If he still has a thing for her, you are just going to have to show him how lucky he is to have you. Be careful, though. Any show of aggression will drive him away, not draw him closer.

The flesh makes us want things that are not good for us. We all fall into this trap. If he is in such a trap, don’t go thinking that it has anything to do with you. It is a trap that is set by satan himself, and it is there to break down relationships. You build the relationship. It’s the devil that you are fighting, and not any person.

Answer 7

wow deja vu. i just recently had a very serious relationship end because of the exact same thing. my ex-girlfriend seemed to just be overwhelmingly infatuated with a guy (who is supposedly gay) she met in the army. while i never suspected any kind of physical cheating going on between them, because i firmly believed they didn't, i could tell she had deeper feelings for this guy, more than just friends. even so to the point where she was making me look and feel like a second rate man. i felt like i could never bring it up because i didn't know how i could ask her about it without making it seem like i was accusing her of cheating on me. so this jealousy and loathing i had for the guy just grew and grew for months until i couldn't take it anymore, and i became so mad that when i confronted her about it i was painfully blunt and a bit less tactful than i should've been and it all blew up in my face, and she broke up with me.

these lessons are hard learned, i tend to be a passive implosive person, and when i do get angry i can't channel it in a healthy way. learn from me that jealousy will keep eating at you until you confront it. i may be one girlfriend shorter, but i have gained back my sanity and an overwhelming load has been lifted off my chest.

be content in yourself, in the relationship i was in i was totally insecure, and it led to the blame/hate game. now i have been able to step back from a greater perspective and be content with what i am. she may be good company because she's her. but if i know reality, then the human life cannot exist without trials and tribulations. she has her demons, there's no doubt about that, and you are awesome because you're you. anyone who says otherwise just isn't worth the time.

Answer 8

Well, I wont be able to give you a biblical stand point on this, but I can offer you my understanding of your situation.

I had the same thing happen with my fiance. When we were dating, he would gush, I mean pathetically gush, over this girl, "Dee". Dee could do no wrong, and because Dee is in the military, Dee obviouslly knew everything because she's been all over the globe. It was really disgusting how perfect she seemed to him. I've heard my fiance refer to someone as "beautiful" only when he was talking about her. Heck, he kept a pebble that she had picked up off the ground, and a silk flower she had worn in her hair - they were both by a picture of her on his shelf.

At first I had respect for this because we were just dating. I also had respect for it because I had actually met Dee, and she was really nice and I liked her. But you know, a funny thing happened, once he and I became more serious, I saw how doe-eyed my not-yet-then fiance got, how "glowy" he seemed around her ... and I thought to myself, this is the first guy I ever loved so much that I would let him go just to see him happy, even if it wasn't with me. It broke my heart, yes, but I love to see him happy.

After he purposed to me, I had a heart-to-heart discussion about this with him. I told him that I had respect for his and Dee's friendship, but I couldn't handle someone else having a peice of his heart. Eventually, we had a break through and he reasured me that I had all of him. Since then he hasn't meantioned her in a she's-just-oh-so-perfect mannor, and even suggested breaking off ties with her.

So, I know how you feel, but when you love someone, I mean really love them, you can learn to take the edge off jealousy by understanding that you want to see your partner happy. And if someone can take them away from you, they neve rloved you in the first place and it's better just to move on anyhow.

I hope this helped. And I so hope you can get through this because you are a beautiful person. Lots of love and luck to you, sweetie!

Answer 9

Focus on yourself and your accomplishments. Every one of us has failings and shortcomings, even popular/pretty people.
This girl's life may not be as easy as it seems to the outside world.

What are your talents? Write a list of all the things you can do, and then do something in that direction. If you keep busy and develop your own life, you won't have time to be jealous.

Don't sell yourself short!

Answer 10

Everybody, even her, has serious struggles and difficulties. She probably just doesn't show them very much.

In high school I was the student body president, every one thought I was really popular and had everything going for me - but the truth is I often lonely and depressed, and my home was so messy that child protective services would have had thing or two to say to my folks if they found out.

Chances are, if you really knew every aspect of her life, you would re-think the wanting to be her thing.

Answer 11

I'm very impressed with your ability to look inside yourself and see weaknesses. You seem like a very well grounded person who, while you say you forgive your bf, you must still assign some blame for his inability to love you. So you blame this other girl.

If you want to stop the jealousy, you must find a way to forgive her.

Remember. You don't forgive someone in order to help THEM. You do it to help yourself.