My partner of 5 years has never wanted a family even though he has known I do. I have a 13 year old son.?

Question

My son (who i adore) is from a previous relationship many years ago and my fella is his step father. I am now 36 and my body clock is running out (I feel). We split up for 8 months and he asked if he could come back in April last year. I agreed, but things would be different he promised. He has a phobia for marriage and I feel that I would like to be in a stable relationship (marriage) after what has happened to me in the past being a single parent is bloody hard work. I do know that just because we marry it doesnet mean that it can't go wrong. But I would feel more secure as he would be responsible in a monetry kind of way which I havn't had in 13 years. He has suddenly decided that he would quite like a child now. But he still won't marry me! I feel that is the commitment he has to make to me for me to give him a child, am I being unfair. I love him dearly, but also do I want a child when I am nearly 37 our lives are just starting again. Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Answer 1

What do you want more? Him or a child? It isn't like he's hiding his feelings about a child, he's been totally upfront with you. You aren't going to, nor should you even try to, change that in him. If you truly truly are in love with him then you accept him as he is. Period. If you want a child, then leave this guy and pursue someone else who feels the same way. I can't blame your guy and like I said at least he's honest about it even if you don't agree. At 36 the last thing I wanted was another startover with a baby. You love your son, so accept that is what you have. Good luck.

Answer 2

If you both love each other and everyone knows it and you live together, marriage isn't going to make a hell of a lot of a difference and its no bigger a commitment as divorce is so easy and common these days. At the end of the day marriage is just a bit of paper. Normally a child is a life long commitment on the other hand regardless of what happens you will be joined together as parents forever. But if you feel you don't really want another child then this should be something that the two of you to discuss, because it looks like you both want different things from this relationship.

Answer 3

As a woman we need what a man can provide. That is why you so clearly crave and long for marriage. It is not a bit of paper, it is much more than that. It is a commitment made before God to love and protect eachother. If this guy won't do that for you, what makes you think that he would love, protect and commit to a child? I don't think that he wants a child any more than you want to be shacked up for the rest of your life. He is saying he wants a child only to apease you because you are basically giving him an ultimatum and he is afraid that he will loose all this "milk" he's been getting for free. If he's been getting it for free- what makes you think he wants to start "paying" for it now?

I have more traditional views on women and men, I know, but quoting one of my favorite people:

"Chivalry is largely dead, and Feminism is the murderer."
- Laura Schlessinger

I would suggest that you go and get her book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage." Even though you are not married yet, it might help you see inside of this guy and discover if he is the one for you or not.

Unfortunately, you must not bring a little life into the world just because your "biological clock" is ticking (don't you think that is a little selfish?). It takes a Mother AND a Father to raise a child. It's not fair to the child if you make a decision to bring him/her into the world MEARLY because you "want" to.

I'm so sorry that you are 37 years old. I'm so sorry that you don't have very much time left for kids. The medical society says that after 35 years you are considered to be "advanced maternal age." I'm sorry, but it's the facts, and you need to sit down and think outside of yourself and what you want and think about the needs of the son you already have and what your example is teaching him.

Answer 4

If you split up for 8 months I am pretty sure you can't be that crazy about him! If he wants a child then he needs to be prepared to commit to the entire family - it looks to me like as soon as he feels like a change he will do just as he pleases. Leaving you to hold the baby - literally! If you think being a one parent family with one child is hard you have no idea how much harder it would be with 2! Plus - you are now at the stage where your son could practically take care of himself - making it easier for you to get a decent job or go back to college or frankly whatever you want - and I think your man knows this and wants to tie you down!!

Answer 5

look at your choices
a, you have his child without marriage
b, you refuse until married in maybe 5 years (your 42)
c, you leave him and spend 5 years looking for someone else then another 5 years waiting for him to want kids (your 47)

if you want another child then have one , your not 24 any more and a child wont be nearly as difficult to cope with now , you managed alone once and you'll do it again .

who knows having kids has turned even the most callous men into puppies and he might propose once the baby arrives but don't count on it .

your looking for perfection and you can never hope to find it , something tells me that throughout the past 13 years your son has been your security and you fear he is growing to fast and soon you'll be left alone . being a wife does not make you a better mother and i think you are a good mother so don't waste time trying to make it all into a fairy tale .

Answer 6

If you really want to be married, then this is not the man for you. The writing is the on the wall - he is not interested in marrying you. That is fine, but he has made his position clear, and if you choose to continue in a relationship with him, just know that marriage will probably never happen. So, if that is fine with you, by all means have a baby with him. But, I think it is probably a bad idea because (1) you really do not want a child and (2) your relationship is not stable enough to support a child.

Answer 7

You dont have to be married to feel secure on money ways ask if he would do a will so at least if anything happens you get house etc.
Check common law wife rules and if you have a child he will be rresponsible for his child.
sounds like you are in this relationship feeling he can leave at any minute getting married does not mean he will still stay watch you dont over whelm him and he leaves due to pressure.
If you truly want a child with this man i say go out and do it ,who knows after its born you could be asked for marriage.

Answer 8

He's smart - or thinks he is! If you have a child with this man it is YOU that will be captured! He sees your love for your son. He knows that YOU will then be committed to him because of a child in common. You will also be more financially dependent. You didn't describe the circumstances of the break-up between you - but I guarantee you that he is taking steps to prevent it ever happening again. I have known con men in my life. I've had it explained to me by one that he didn't feel a bit guilty for having conned people because it was their own greed that conned them. It is hard, financially, by yourself! But that is no reason to marry. If I was in his situation, and I even suspected that was your reason, I'd run! I truly don't mean to be impolite, I'm just saying what I see.

Answer 9

personally i think that having a child together is more of a commitment than marriage could ever bring, i don't get why so many women are obsessed with getting married (not you personally but in general)

however it is important to you, so you do need to talk about it properly, why doesn't he like the thought of being married ? is it just the day itself? I'm guessing here but i think he might of been married before that's why he hate the idea, if that's the reason you have nothing to be worried about.

it does worry me that he is so opposed to the idea of marriage so strongly if he hasn't been married before, I'd suggest talking to him about having a child as well, and see if he is serious tell him you would love a child together but you'd like a stable home to bring it up in first, but you don't have to be married to do that - tell him you want to feel more secure in your relationship together.

Answer 10

i think you can still be a family and have a stable relationship without marrige, sometimes many people find that the stress of married life splits them up my friend as example she was perfectly happy just being with her bf then they got married (only lasted 1 year)
i believe marriage is a very expensive piece of paper when alot of couples go through life living like husband and wife without spending lots of money to achive this. as for the baby thats really your call if you feel that you could go back to changing nappies and sleepless nightsthen go for it
good luck to you i hope you get what you wish for xx