My brother doesn't hear me when I say 'no'. Or my kids say, 'stop'. He is smart, funny, sucessful, handsome.. and yet acts like a bully in so many ways to me and my kids.... I emailed him and told him the new bounderies I was going to establish and he basically thought I was crazy (with him, I seem to get blamed for any of our conflicts). So he didn't take my email seriously, and doesn't think that he does these things... how do I enforce them when he won't listen to me and verbal attacks me anytime I try to stand up for myself. I don't want to walk out at family functions... because then I am leaving the whole family and I do look like the witch... How do I enforce bounderies with someone that thinks I am making it all up and can't see that he is crossing bounderies and always has?
2007-01-25 16:23:49 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Focus on the fact that you are right for the way you feel and for having a problem with his behavior!! Try not to spend any time with him alone. Try to only be around him in front of your other family members. When he does these bullying things, calmy but VERY firmly tell him to stop and walk away and/or take your children away from him. Do the same thing every time and keep your statements simple. You don't have to explain why something's not okay with you. Saying "Stop. I don't like that." is enough. Make sure your family notices! Then, if he keeps it up you should walk out and go home. Don't worry if you look like the witch. If your other family members won't stick up for you then stick up for yourself and your children by leaving. You don't want your kids to see you constantly being treated that way. Your parents should help you remedy this situation if they want to see you and their grandkids. I wouldn't try to talk it out with your brother anymore.
2007-01-25 19:00:24 · answer #1 · answered by raya 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is impossible to make others do what we like. We cannot make them conform to our boundaries by putting limits on them. We can only enforce our boundaries by putting limitations on ourselves.
When he verbally attacks you, do not stand up for yourself. Know that you are precious and his attacks are unfounded and that he wants a fight or to hurt you. Don't give it to him. You don't need to defend yourself, you don't owe him an explanation. Stand quietly in your truth. You can tell him "Let's change the subject." If he continues tell him "you can continue this conversation with yourself" and walk away. Remain calm, refuse to respond to him and never raise your voice.
These things are hard to do at first, but they work.
People that are abusive never respect boundaries, and telling them that you have them only makes them laugh. When they stop getting the responses they are looking for, they move on. It takes time.
Is he an alcoholic? You may want to try Al-Anon or CoDA meetings for yourself.
Warm regards
2007-01-25 16:45:01 · answer #2 · answered by teach_empathy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Keep at it. Bullies think that they can wear you down, this sounds like what is happening with your brother. Make sure you keep your no's at no's. Be strong, and just keep telling him "this is not acceptable". Sounds like you are trying, so just keep at it, your kids also need to be able to say "no" when something is inappropriate. Good work.
2007-01-25 16:35:19 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like you have a choice.. let him walk all over you or walk away
2007-01-25 18:38:38 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋