joke contest?

Question

who can tell me the most funniest joke thatis appropiate and not violent

Answer 1

Blonde jokes:

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".

~~~~~

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

~~~~

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

~~~~

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

~~~~

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"


~~~~

Did you hear about the blonde who took a book out of the library called How to Hug, only to discover that it was volume seven of the encyclopedia?



~~~~

blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up.

The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt.

"Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"

~~~

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.

They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.

The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.

They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, �Okay, we'll give him one more try.

We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!�

Answer 2

This guy goes into a bar after a promotion to celebrate with his buddies. Aftr a few drinks he notices, behind the bar, a big jar stuffed with $50 bills, so he asks the bartender about it.

The bartender replies, "Oh that's just a running bet we have here. You gotta pay $50 into the pot and if you complete 3 tasks, you win the whole jar. As you can see, no one has ever won."

After a few more beers and 2 shots of Tequila, the man announces in a slightly tipsy voice, "Screw it, I just got a raise. I can afford to lose $50!" and he slams a $50 on the bar. "OK. What do I gotta do?"

"Well," says the bartender "like I said, there are 3 tasks. First you gotta finish a whole bottle of our homemade 200 proof Fire Water, after that you gotta help my pit bull tied up out back. He's got a sore tooth and you have to go pull it out for him. If you survive THAT, you have to go upstairs and pursuade the landlady upstairs to have sex with you. She's a virgin and she's 106 years old. Raping her is obviously out of the question."

"Fair enough" said the half-drunk man. The alcohol coursing through his veins had emboldened him. "Gimme that Fire Water!" And lo and behold, he managed, to everyone's shock to finish the whole bottle without pause.

Barely able to keep the contents of his stomach down, he was turned and nudged, by the astonished bartender in the direction of the back door, where the dog was tied up outside. The man stumbled drunkenly through the door and bravely slammed it closed behind him. A fierce barking, accompanied by breaking glass, garbage cans smashing, yelling and groaning erupted outside. After a minute or so of this racket, a loud dog yelp, followed by it's whining was heard.

Shortly afterwards, the man stumbled back through the door, his clothes torn, blood dripping from multiple bite wounds and looking like he'd been hit by a truck.

Then demanded in a drunken slurred voice, "OK. NOW WHERE'S THAT OLD LADY WITH THE SORE TOOTH?!!"

Answer 3

There was a problem at the local high school. All the girls would go into the bathroom with lots of lipstick and kiss the mirrors above the sink. The janitor had to work tirelessly to wipe it off after it dried. To solve the problem, the principal called a meeting of all the girls in the bathroom. (It was a fairly small school.) He told them that cleaning off the mirrors took a lot of hard work. To demonstrate, the janitor took a mop, stuck it in a toilet, and started washing the mirrors with it. Problem solved.
---
Q. What do you call a terrorist on the moon?
A. A problem.
Q. What do you call TWO terrorists on the moon?
A. A problem.
Q. What do you call ALL the terrorists on the moon?
A. Problem solved.

Answer 4

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Answer 5

OK. I'm a blonde so maybe you will like this dumb blonde joke! There were three girls. A blonde, a brunette, and a black haired woman. They were captured by a group of native americans. The natives were going to shoot them. The black haired woman yelled TORNADO! and then she ran away cause the natives hid. The brunette yelled HURRICANE! and then she ran away cause the natives hid. The chief yelled Ready!, Aim!, and then the blonde yelled FIRE! LOL! [ Sorry if offensive to anyone!]

Answer 6

A man was on a golf court playin golf with his partner
both men look up to see a cars and a fruneral car go by
the man instantly stop playing and put his hand on his chest to show his respects.... the gentlemen next to him say wow that is so kind of you so respectful you stop playin in the middle of your game to show respect for the dead....... the man said OOOH .... THAT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO WE WERE MARRIED FOR 30 YEARS

Answer 7

Bank Robber

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me,"

The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."

"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.

The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turns to his client and asks,

"So, what do you think about that?"

The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,

"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

Answer 8

Three men were lost hiking in the woods. So Moe tells Larry to fire three shots into the air (the code for distress). All three of them wait a few hours. No rescue party. Larry fires three more shots. No one comes. Then Curly says " I hope they come rescue us soon, we only have three more arrows!"

Answer 9

Give Kim 5 stars!

Answer 10

two ducks are having a drink in a bar. one duck tells a blonde joke. the other duck just quacks up!!!