Problem with stepson....or is it his mom?

Question

(My stepson will be addressed as Joe in this question.)

As of Dec. 2006, my husband was granted primary custody over my 6 year old stepson. Joe lives with us at this current moment and sees his mom every other weekend. When Joe's mom has him, visitation will be the same as when we had him.
Every time Joe comes back from his weekend visitations with his mom, he acts up tremendously! Lying, not listening, getting major atittude, tries bossing my husband and I around etc. The only time he acts like this is when he gets back from his mom's house. (It lasts for 1-3 days.) Then after that time, he is a very well mannered boy, listens, helps out around the house etc. My husband and I have tried everything under the sun to understand why Joe acts like this. And it can be very unbearable and frustrating. We do know he is very spoiled when with his mom. Maybe that's the reason? Can anyone please offer some advice on how to handle this?

I do want to add a few comments to some of the answers I am seeing:
1) Granted, legally, according to the courts, Joe has been living with us since Dec. 2006. But technically, he has been living with us since August 2006 when his mom came to live with my husband and I. (She has not lived at our house since October 2006, but she told us to keep Joe and she would see him every other weekend until custody was finalized.)

2) Joe is in counselling already. But he is going for different reasons. The counselors do however talk to Joe about other things other than the main reason for us getting him help.

I also want to note that Joe's mom and her new husband, as well as, my husnad and I are all very civil with one another. His mom and I were actually best friends back in high school.

Answer 1

It can be so hard for a 6yo to transition smoothly. Maybe if you set up some kind of routine for him for everytime he comes home, it would make the transition a little easier. Kids desperately need routine. Talk to him while he is in his good behavior phase and tell him that from now on when he comes home from his mom's he needs to go put his things away and get everything he needs for school the next day ready. Maybe you could have something special waiting for him when he comes home. I know you wouldn't want to encourage the spoiling, but maybe you could make cookies or something and when he comes home, tell him that when he's done putting his things away and getting ready for school there are cookies waiting for him. That would make for a smoother transition. Good Luck!

Answer 2

Joe is going through something that has totally changed his life. He needs time to adjust to this new living arrangement. His mom probably dotes on him the whole weekend (as she should) since her time with him has been drastically cut. Maybe have a little snack with him a little after he gets home and see if he would like to talk about his weekend. He may be a little stressed thinking it will be a little while before he sees his mom again. Just be supportive to him and give him time to adjust. If there are bad vibes with the ex don't let Joe be part of that or hear talk of it. Good luck! It is very challenging.

Answer 3

A six year old going from one parent to the other is probably terrible confused, upset an pissed that his parents do not live in the same house. He has been pushed into a situation he has no control over. Do not look for this to be "fixed" over night, you may have to deal with it for years. It is not his problem, it is his parents problem, and until they work together to make his life less confusing and stressful, this may be his only outlet.

Good luck it may get easier, but it may not. We have a blended family and have dealt with both sides of visitation schedules. My stepson is now 18 and we finally found a system that worked for him 3 years ago. It has been 12 years of hell, and 3 of absolute enjoyment.

Answer 4

Children love to test boundaries. When you have a child in this type of situation (custodial parent/step parent on one side, visitation with the other parent on the other side), there are more thanthe usual number of boundaries, and they may be a bit more blurred. Add to this the possible fact that your husband's ex may, for some reason (guilt, spite, who knows) be spoiling the child when he is in her care.

When a child tests you in this way, it is commonly due to the fact that they feel a lack of the consistency and stability that all chilren crave for a well-rounded development. Despite what they may say about how much you suck for being so strict, without that order, the child feels as though no one cares. When he is pushing, being obnoxious, and acting spoiled, he's looking for that semblance of normalcy that he can expect from you and your husband. Basically, he's saying, "All this back and forth is troubling me. Here I am, pay attention, show me you love me, and that this, at least, won't change." The fact that he straightens up after a time is a key indicator of this. My advice would be to hang in there, endure the bad days, and see them as an opportunity to prove your love to him.

Answer 5

Quit looking for a reason...you have the problem and it is better to deal with it than look for somewhere/someone to place blame. If you start the blaming game you will only breed hate and discontent in your house. Which is counter productive and a waste of energy. Remember you have to deal with his mother until he is an adult....so try to keep it at least civil and set a good example.

Part of the problem will be his age and the transition from home to home. This will get better as he gets older. You and hubby need to set standards of behavior and consequences...and stick to them regardless. This will benefit you in the long run. Keep it simple. Children need limits and rules that they can understand and are followed through with each and every time. Consistency is the key. Good luck & best wishes.

Answer 6

I was a broken home child and the Stress is terrible. Even if your relationship is wonderful with the other person it is very hard.I remember just the little things.At my mom's they didn't like the house to be dark so they wouldn't want me to turn the light off when i left a room and at my dads I would be told"when you leave a room you have to turn the light off." That sounds so silly but as a child is stress. And if after living with his mother for six years and now he is not. No matter how terrible a mother is and how wonderful another home can be a child's needs are with their mother. Trust me it is not him acting spoiled.I wish i would of had counseling then then. It would of helped a lot growing up. Good luck. And please at least try counseling

Answer 7

I kind of have a nephew like that whenever he spends a couple days with his grandmother(on his other side of family) he comes back acting like everyone is suppose to do things his way. So it just might be that he's spoiled when he with her and don't quite know how to turn it off on his own when he's back with you. As well as he's only 6 and going thru so many changes, I'm sure the instability does not help his behavior. Just be consistent with him and try to be patient.

Answer 8

He is probably frustrated when he comes back home. It's like coming home from a great vacation to something that he might not think is enjoyable. He is probably still trying to adapt to the different living situations and doesn't know how to react to it, so he acts out. He probably gets better after a few days because he gets over it. This will blow over soon.. might be weeks or months but he will grow out of it. Just sit tight and things will get better.

Answer 9

It is the transition. My step kids used to be that way. I did not let them get away with it. If they demanded something, I would not give it to them. If they don't use manners or behave they got punished. Just watch out for the lies, like my mom hit me across the mouth. It gets the parents riled up and gives him the attention he wants. I have went through a similar situation with my son. I found out he was telling me lies just so I would baby him. It is a hard situation and you have to take it one situation at a time. The other thing to watch out for is your step son playing you and dad against each other. We have just gotten our kids out of it. They realized it wasn't going to work. Stand firm with him and he will start to realize that he will not get his way when he comes home from mom's house. Good Luck.