why can't my husbands ex wife except me as his new wife+stepmom to her child and stop making trouble for me

Question

tom loves his 8 yr old son matt dearly.i really want to develop a relationship with matt as i care for him too as i have been in his life since he was 2.the problem is tom's exwife feels i'm in "her spot" with tom(he left her 7yrs ago but not for me and she never got over it)now she has no control over this but has made it very clear i am to have nothing to do with her son matt.meaning i am not allowed to attend ANY school functions,spend time alone with matt,have no contact with teachers,doctors ect.she feels this is for her and tom only and i'm not really her son's family so its none of my business.tom being a great dad will not go against her wishies in fear it will cause problems for his son.my question is why all this drama?why can't she be happy her exhusband married someone who loves her child and wants to be part of his life?

Answer 1

First off she has no right to tell you that. You are Matt's father's wife. You have a right to attend any function that Tom attends. Second, Tom needs to understand that his ex-wife's hateful stance will hurt his son far more than confronting her (she is reinforcing the notion you're not "part of the family" - that's evil, hurtful, and will only tear Matt apart).

Third and most important, Tom needs to man-up both for your sake and his son's. You are his wife now. You ARE part of the family, and she is not. Yes she's Matt's mom but she is NOT part of Tom's family. You are. You need to let Tom know that the correct position for him to take is that his ex-wife's hateful attitude will not be tolerated - that you (as his wife) WILL be part of Matt's life, and that if a wedge is going to be driven in the family it will not be driven between you and Tom and Matt. He needs to tell her to get over it.

Frankly you married a wimp. Since he doesn't seem to have a sack, tell him in no uncertain terms you will not be tolerate being treated as less-than-family in your own house. The situation as you describe it, being totally defined by the ex-wife, is completely unacceptable and only Tom can really do anything about it.

Answer 2

What does the son think? Have any of you thought abou that? The child is the one seeing all of this drama and probably feels to blame for it. You are probably trying too hard...relax a bit. I would first discuss this with your husband and let him know that you count too and when there are family gatherings, fun events and such that you are to be included. On the other note, doctor appts, teachers and such you should stay out of for now. In her eyes that is not your place. Be the son's friend be there for him when he wants to show you something cool or just talk. You will gain your own relationship with him and sooner or later his mother will have to realize this. She is not trying to create drama she is just lashing out her anger at the only person she can...you. Don't take it personally and as said above...relax and create your own friendship with him. Sooner or later things will get easier. Good Luck!

Answer 3

I think you have it backwards. You are the one who entered their life, and by marrying a man who had already been married and had a child, you knew what you were getting into. However, it seems you didn't realize that your husband's loyalty and obligation are with his first family, and will always be so. If that was not something you wanted, you wouldn't have married him. Therefore, you need to go along with your husband's wishes in anything dealing with his son and his ex. It really is not your concern, except for when you and your husband are caring for his son, and even then, your husband should only be disciplining him, for example.
Sounds like you and your husband have a lot to work out... You need to be respectful of your husband's son's mother (Think of her that way instead of his ex-wife and it will make you see the difference).

Answer 4

Tom needs to get a backbone and stick up for his wife. When his son is in your house, she has no say on what goes on. She is using the boy to control Tom's life. Does he not think that it is a problem that she tells the boy lies about you and his father ( I guarantee she is)
She is afraid that the boy will grow to love you. You are a threat. The only way she will be happy for her ex-husband is when he is her husband again and you are history. She will try her best to put a wedge between you and your husband.

Answer 5

she causes you porblems for a few reasons. none of which is your fault. they are as follows:

1. she is still mad over the divorce.
2. she is jealous of you because now you are married to him and
she is not.
3. deep down she knows that you are a better mom to him than
she is and she is mad at you for that.
4. she sees you as a liability rather than a asset or in other
words as long as you are with him there is no chance for her
try to get back what she has lost.
5. it could be the simple fact that she has nothing better to do
with her life than to make someone else's miserable. i know
people like that.

remember as long as you are doing your best to be a mom to him then don't worry about how sheis acting. this kind of thing is more common than you think. sitdown with your husband and talk about this. maybe there is some way for everyone to work this problem out because all of this drama going on is not healthy for you, your husband or the child himself. hope this helps. good luck.

Answer 6

ok from expierence whilst i became growing to be up because of the fact i actually went by this. My mom HATED whilst my dad have been given re-married. She did each and every thing a danger to make my step mom no longer opt to do something with me. So now my step mom does not want something to do with my mom actual and my step mom and that i actually don't get alongside ok purely because of the previous. It sucks on the two ends because of the fact interior the long-term this is the toddlers who go through no longer the adults. So is all i will say is that in case you experience mushy chatting with this women folk as grown adults and asking her why she is performing the way she is approximately those products. maybe you 2 can come to three words or know-how in this occasion that would help every person out interior the long-term. as a techniques because of the fact the Dr appts and stuff guy it particularly is so stupid. Who has custody in this entire concern you adult males or the bio-mom? in case you adult males have complete custody of him then there is no reason you may not take him. i could say attempt to speak to her like adults and spot what type of know-how you may come to. solid success

Answer 7

Jealousy, Jealousy. Your better than her and she hates it, I think its great that you care about Matt and want to form a relationship, this just goes to show how strong your relationship with Tom is. If your are as good as you seem then when matt is old enough he will say that he likes you and wants to spend time with you. So forget about tat jealous ex. Remember jealousy gets you no where.

Answer 8

I married someone with 2 kids and we have become just like every other family.. we attend the ball games as a whole.. we just dont sit together,, he doesnt like me being ther but he will have to fight me physically to keep me away and he wont do that because the kids want us both at all functions.. he tries to brainwash tehm against me but I have always been ther for them and they have learnd that I will always be ther .. he just had to get over it.. after 4 years. we have became civil toward each other... take time to show the other that you are a good parent

Answer 9

Your fiance needs to straighten this out. You wil be a permanent person in his son's life and some guidelines need to be worked out so that the child does not feel pulled.

You are all adults. You can work it out amongst yourselves. Let your fiance handle it.

Answer 10

Why should she be happy? No, seriously- why should she be happy her husband is with another woman who is interested in being second mommy? You really have no place talking to his teachers or doctors- it's what his parents do, not the second wife of his father.
Tom is being a wimp because he failed to realize that the divorce and remarriage has already caused problems for the child. Why should any woman 'get over" her husband leaving her and the child less than 2 years after the baby was born???