Im a 21 yr old female. I have a 3 year old daughter who i had at 18. I love my daughter but sometimes i regret that i made the choice of having her and i feel terrible for feeling that way. Her dad went to jail when she was 6 months and he will be there for 12 years. I am a secretary me and my bf just got an apt together. People tell me im beautiful but i know that im not anymore. I feel old and im often jealous of other girls my age that are in college and having fun. I try to tell myself that i made the choice to have a baby so i cant be mad at anyone but myself. I feel like my life was supposed to be so much better. I feel so old and done for. I mean my job is okay and i love my bf ( who is 23 with no child) he loves me very much but sometimes i feel like one day hes gonna wake up and realize he can do better and get a girl with no baggage. I use to be so confident i really dont know how this happen to me. What could have caused this.
2007-01-25 07:37:35 · 18 answers · asked by yesindeed 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
OK, first off I want to tell you just how cool you are for doing all the things that you are. Being a parent is hard but being a young, poor, single parent is near to impossible. You need to realize just how amazing you are for accomplishing all that you have.
Second, you are missing out on a lot, that's hard too. I was one of those kids in college having a great time being stupid but it wasn't BETTER than what you're doing. It was different. The cool thing is that if you can hang in there you'll be doing all those great things in your 30s. Your life isn't over. I know it seems like it right now but it's not.
Finally, there are ways you can get to another place. You don't have the chance to go to college the way other kids are doing it but you do have the chance to do it. Get yourself over to the local Community College, State College or Trade School's Financial Aid office and see what is available for you. You may have to cut back your hours at work to make some time for school and borrow some money but both of those things are investments in your future. There is also a lot of Government money for single mothers and your office may have a program to help as well. Sit down with a financial aid councilor and look at what you'll be making when you graduate and how much you can afford to pay back. That will bake a big difference in both your future as well as your child's.
You and your family will be basking on a beach in the Bahamas when all the other folks are just starting to wipe snotty noses and change smelly diapers.
As far as beauty, it sounds like you have a good guy and it sounds like he's with you because of the wonderful person you are. I doubt he's ever going to wake up and not love you anymore because you're not as pretty as you once were.
2007-01-25 08:09:32 · answer #1 · answered by Gretchen C 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The brain doesn't really develop until the 20's so you had a child when you were a child. Then your guy went do jail and it doesn't do much good for an ego to know that your choice of bf's wasn't so good, right? Seems to me that's quite enough to drag one down. So now your brain is mature and all those things you KNEW you could handle when you were a child you find weren't such good choices.
You have the ability to get out of the rut. I'd encourage you to get a decision made about your bf. You can sneer at marriage and say it's only a piece of paper but it isn't just a piece of paper. It says, I'm an adult, he's and adult, we've made a choice and we're proud of it and we'll make it work.
Second, think about another career. What do you really want to do, what are you very, very good at doing and figure out how you can support yourself and your child doing that. Communicty colleges are wonderful bargains have night classes available in many places and can get you a leg up. Go to your local job service and take an aptitude test if you haven't already and then plan your way into the field of your choice. Maybe you just take your bosses job????
Also understand that the myth that we can have everything is just that--a myth and a cruel one at that. Life is full of choices and limitations and those who learn to live with those can do well.
Your question is vey important and thought-provoking. Thank you for writing it.
2007-01-25 08:05:32 · answer #2 · answered by DelK 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok, first of all, you made some bad decisions. We all do. But, don't beat yourself up about it. You have to forgive yourself. I had my daughter when I was 20 and there are still days I wish I had waited. It's normal to have these feelings when you weren't planning on a baby. The important thing to remember here is that she's a blessing. While we didn't plan our having our daughters, God knew all the details of your daughter's existance before you were even born. She's your gift. Let her embrace your life. Let her make you smile, laugh, and happy.
I too have problems with people telling me I'm pretty, but start taking the compliments. Repeat them to yourself until you believe them. 21 is NOT old! I'm 28 and I still feel like I'm 18 half the time. You're only as old as you feel. Start wearing clothes that make you feel beautiful and young. Change your hair style, get a manicure - what ever helps.
As for your boyfriend, he knew you had a baby when he got with you (right?). Then believe in his feelings for you. I know it's hard. My first husband left me for another woman and trust me nothing can make your self esteem take a harder hit! Even still, I keep having to steer my thoughts from the idea that my (2nd) husband is going to do the same thing. You deserve to be happy.
2007-01-25 08:02:17 · answer #3 · answered by reandsmom77 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
raising a small child caused this and the fact that you dont have any fun.. hire a babysitter at least once a month and you and your bf go out on the town and live it up a little..if your living like a old person and never going out then no wonder you feel so old..
i am not saying you made a bad choice in having your baby .. no just the opposite.. but it seems to me when you had her you gave up all the joys of being young and you really dont need to do that.. if you have parents or siblings you can leave her with .. then leave her for a weekend once in while and just the two of you be together..
2007-01-25 07:53:48 · answer #4 · answered by ? 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Low self esteem usually comes from childhood. Being told your no good, or that your ugly, things like that. After hearing it so often you start to believe it and it is hard to take a compliment. I know because I have been there. I to had a baby when I was young. I was 17, the baby's father was in and out of jail most of the 3 years I knew him. I do know that it gets easier and better and boy did I hate hearing those words because it seemed like it would never happen. I am alot older than you are now but I realize now that the people that gave me that advice were right. I do not love myself but I can say I like myself. I do not always think I am beautiful, in fact most of the time I have thought I was ugly and could not do anything right. Well that is not true for me and it is not true for you. I have learned to take compliments, just can't handle to many at one time. My boyfriend too tells me all the time how beautiful I am and how much I mean to him and bring to his life. I can not change how you think or feel however about having your baby. I can say that for myself I would not trade my children for anything. I do not regret having any one of them and with my last one when I first found out I was pregnant. I was in a loveless marriage and I was depressed that I was pregnant on top of all the problems we were having. You can still have loads of fun even while your a parent. There are baby sitters, but only get someone you trust, like a parent or brother or sister. When the child is at school when they start going, if your not working. That is another time to have for yourself. And you won't have your child living with you forever, they do grow up and start hanging out with friends and eventually move out, leaving you all the time you want to do the things you missed out on. And some of the things your missing out on Hun, really are not worth it. Your better off not doing a lot of those things. Good luck to you. I hope it all works out good for you, and please cherish your child and yourself, your both worth it.
2007-01-25 08:23:12 · answer #5 · answered by lost angel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the only surefire way that he will leave you for another woman is if you keep thinking this way.
wake up girl! look what you have! a beautiful child, a loving man, a job (be glad you're not unemployed) and a place of your own with you bf. be grateful.
these feelings that you have, they are normal. but don't place all of the importance on them on the fact that you had a child young. that is only part of it. the other part is that you feel guilty that her father isn't in her life. another part is that you feel like you didn't accomplish (careerwise) what you could have had you been without strings. another is that you're still young, and your body has already been changed because you had a baby.
believe me, i know, i went through this myself (besides the daddy in jail part) it's part of life. the only thing holding you back from your full potential is yourself. be the best mommy you can be (so that you will be so proud when you know that you've raised a great woman). be the best girfriend you can be (because a great man deserves that, right), take time for yourself (workout, dress cute, etc.) because that makes you feel better about yourself. and truly believe that you are someone great with a worthwhile life-albeit different from most your age, but that's what makes it even better.
also invision this-in 20 years, you'll have already gotten your body in shape again, you will be close in age with your daughter, so you can still relate to her, you're career will come with time, so by then you'll be right where you should be, and if it's meant to be, you'll still be with your man. all the other "hot" 21 year olds will still be out of shape from having their kids later in life, will be too old for their kids to relate to them, will have had to change careers or put them on hold, etc. etc.
You are right where you need to be and you are beautiful. And let me tell you, NO ONE on this earth will love you more than that beautiful daughter of yours. So, make sure you give her your all---and your all only comes when you believe in yourself.
2007-01-25 07:59:32 · answer #6 · answered by starnami 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
this is very common among younger mothers. You are not missing anything important. You have a beautiful child and a man you love. Your life is good, you just have to find a way to make yourself believe it.
Being a mother is a tough job no matter what your age and as much as we love our children, there are moments when alot of women wonder if they made the right choice in having children. It doesn't mean we are bad mothers or that we should beat ourselves up over it, just that we can get frustrated at times.
If your boyfriend couldn't deal with your baggage, he wouldn't have gone out with you. He cares about you and has chosen to be with you.
2007-01-25 07:55:39 · answer #7 · answered by kiera70 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your situation caused it - you can still go to college and have fun - it is ok to have these feelings but you just have to remember that your 3 year old will grow up very quickly and be in school full time before you know it. You could also be suffering from depression it could be worth your while to see the doctor.
You will get through it and your self esteem and confidence will come back but it is up to you to do something about it - your b/f is with you because he loves you and if you keep feeling insecure that will push him away and nothing else.
2007-01-25 07:57:53 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you're 21, you have no reason in the world to feel old. Also, I would imagine that you're probably very attractive. You also say that you envy other girls your age who are in college and having fun, but who says you can't go back to school and get a degree. Sure, you may not be able to party as much as you would like, but you would be earning a degree, which would benefit both you and your daughter. Your life is not over!
2007-01-25 07:54:47 · answer #9 · answered by tangerine 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Get ahold of yourself and get it together before you really do create the world you claim to live in right now.
Be grateful for everything that you have - you are healthy, able to work - enjoy it! (So many people can't work and would love to!) You have a healthy daughter who loves you and is innocent - enjoy her! (So many can't have children and would love to) You have a man who loves you and takes care of you - enjoy him! (So many are lonely and would love to have someone to love) Stop focusing on the negative and enjoy what you do have.
In all seriousness, if you can't get over this depression then please go see your primary doctor and explain things. Life does get overwhelming at times but there is help out there should you need it. Don't let life just pass you by while you are miserable - life is way toooo short for that! Get some help and pick yourself up and be happy.
2007-01-25 07:57:09 · answer #10 · answered by Jen 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋