I find it really difficult being a mum?

Question

I have 20month old and he is driving me up the wall!! My house is an absolute mess and i find it hard to function but i have no energy to do anything, im at college full time and the father passed away 7months ago, we broke up about 6months before this had happened but we got on so well, i know i am angry about being on my own but i just cant cope. Its really getting me down....

I am from scotland and am 22years of age, i decided to get a career after the father passed away, i want the best for my son. I have no family round about me, thanks for all your advice x

Answer 1

It's not unusual for you to feel like your whole life is out of control. You're dealing with a lot and you've been through the wringer. Parenting is not easy under the best of circumstances and your circumstances are just making things far more difficult.

Let's start with the fact that you were parenting by yourself from the time your baby was old enough to crawl. Now let's add to that the lost of your baby's father. Even if you weren't "together" at the time of his death, if you got along well and he was a good father and a friend to you... that's an enormous loss.

Feeling overwhelmed by all that's happened... having a baby... losing the relationship... then losing the person who fathered your son... that's normal. To have that feeling of being overwhelmed sap so much emotional energy out of you that you feel like the 20 month old is in charge more than you are... also normal. Here's the solution:

Firstly - Take control of your life back. You can do it. The reward is that once YOU are in charge of your life, then you will also be in charge of the little guy and he will know it by the boundaries you set and the way your consistent with him. It will give him the stability he needs and the security he craves. This is difficult for him because while he's at an age where he wants to do things his own way, he's not yet gotten the skills to create his own boundaries for behavior. If there are no boundaries, then HE is out of control too.

Think about how frightening it is for you... to have your life swirling around you out of control the way it's been. Consider how scary that could be for a 20 month old. He's not prepared to make his own decisions or rules and yet you've been too overwhelmed to really reel him in when he's tearing up the place. He's probably running all over and making messes, really crying out for some guidance and for someone to control him... think of Jim Carrey in that movie Mask... "Somebody STOP me!!"

You will have to work this in reverse. The only way to make the 20 month old be less difficult is to step up to the plate as a mom. I know this is miserably difficult right now... but it's the only way. He's counting on you to pull it together and he's got to be your priority. Consider that he's the legacy of his father's life and respect Dad enough as someone you cared about enough to take a deep breath and plow forward the best you can for your son. Well... for both of you really.

Chances are what's making him behave poorly is that he's after one on one attention from you. Instead of having all your attention devoted to correcting him or cleaning up his constant rubble, engage him in activities so that he has a mission and a plan. This will also help him to be organized and less hyper. So many children are mistakenly identified as ADHD later on when all they needed was direction as a toddler so that their thought process would naturally become more organized. If he has some quality time with you, he'll probably play more quietly when he's having alone time as well.

Use the pre-emptive strike method. Engage him in play BEFORE he wigs out and gets hyper. Make a chart if you have to... to organize your day together:

8a.m. Get up and get dressed
8:30 Breakfast
9a.m. Ride in stroller
10a.m. Snacktime
10:15a.m. - Activity with Mom (water play, Playdoh, blocks, etc)
11a.m. - Errands and chores (enlist his help, have him *dust* the furniture, show him how to fold the washrags, do toy pick-up together, have him hand you coupons - you can give him some you won't use... just to play with)
12noon - lunch
12:30 - nap for baby, quiet time for mom
2p.m. - juice and crackers
2:15p.m. - Activity with Mom

You get the idea....

Once you've taken the time to organize your day and given him a routine (and if you work, you only have to do this for evenings/weekends - but stick with it and make sure that alone time with mom and activities where you're focused on him are an every day thing!) then chances are he won't feel he needs to act out to get your attention.

I can't tell you how important it is to get a routine and be organized, for him and for you. It's hard to feel like it's all out of control and this will give YOU a feeling of having some control back. Once that's accomplished... you can move on with the business of truly *moving on* but being overwhelmed just makes you want to run and hide and sleep and disappear.

Find an online support group for single parents where you can vent and get ideas for how to cope. Sometimes just knowing you are not alone can be a GREAT comfort. Also consider individual counseling for yourself as you learn to take on the monumental task of being "the only" for your son. Accept help where you can get it, whether it's from family or friends or a babysitting co-op where you don't pay each other, but only trade babysitting hours.

If you can find the energy to start... just a few small steps... it will reward you with more time and energy than you thought possible during this difficult time.

Choose one area of your house to pick-up, attack and organize every day. Even if it's only one tabletop or one corner. Baby steps...

The situation of being without the father right now is not one that you can change. However... you can change how you feel about it and the way you allow it to affect your life. Talk to him if you need to. Tell him "I'm taking the baby to the mall tomorrow... and I got that mess cleaned up in the living room... bet you never thought you'd see that happen... and he said "skettios" for the first time today... did you hear him? I thought it was so cute..."

It might sound odd, but sometimes allowing yourself to feel connected to that missing person can truly be helpful as you transition into life without them. It helps sometimes to just allow yourself to feel them near you or with you and it can be comforting to chat with them casually as if they're still right there. He's in your mind and in your son's genes... so he's totally there and will be forever. Trying to cut him out completely just because he died is pretty impossible when you think about it. Don't rush it :)

My very best to you... I know I've gone long, but I've been where you are and it's hideous... but it's fixable and you can have a productive and non-hideous time as a single parent with the right tools, skills and mindset. If you're struggling with parenting in the area of discipline, try the library for books or videos on the subject. You're on the right track and ready for a change just by asking!

Wishing you well...

Answer 2

I'm guessing that you might be outside of the U.S.-England, perhaps? Anyway, here in the U.S., we have listings in the phone book of people you can call to counsel you over the phone (free, depending on your income level). I'm not surprised that you have no energy-keeping up with a 20 month old child is exhausting (I have 2 young children, so I can sympathize). Chances are that you're not sleeping well, you're under too much day to day stress and emotional stress over your father's death and the relationship breakup. My suggestion would be to focus on your son. The house being a mess is annoying (I'm a neat freak, and my kids' messes drive me nuts), but overall, your son needs his mom more than he needs a clean house. Also, you have the right to be angry about being alone. You have a huge burden, taking care of a toddler on your own. Accept the fact that you have the right to be angry with your ex, but again, your son is the priority.

Mom's groups are a nice idea, but if you don't have time to get out, there are some nice online chat rooms for stressed mommies.

Answer 3

Of course it is really difficult to be a new mom. The transition from your previous life is immense. Add to that the terrible loss of your child's father and your ability to cope with stress is nearly nil. You can help yourself by taking care of yourself some.

1)Few mothers of toddlers have a clean house. Check out flylady.net to get some sense of control and a sense of not being perfectionistic, of accepting that doing a little is good and will get you ahead of where you are.

2) Do you need to stay in school full time right now? It's a bit much to ask of a non-new mom, full time school is demanding. With grieving for the loss of our old life and trying to work up the energy for your child's new life, maybe you don't have energy to spare on school.

3) People usually cope better when they can talk with others who share their experiences. A young widows or divorced moms group, tho not tailored to your exact situation, might still be a place you can vent, get support, see the light at the end of the tunnel, recognize your strengths.

You have been dealt a lousy hand here. You should be angry - although what benefit is there in being angry at the fates? Who gets hurt but you and your dear boy? You should be sad. Being down creates a time for reflection, renewal, and redirection, if you resist getting lost in depression.

AND you can cope. Just accept the pace and mood of this terrible and joyous time. Accept your lack of control. And start taking time every day to renew yourself, to look for the beauty and joy. You need to nourish yourself to revitalize, to get ready for the new road you didn't know you'd be taking.

Do you already take a nice walk with baby every day in the fresh air? Always good.

Best wishes.

Answer 4

I know it seems impossible right now but what you really need is someone who can relate to your situation. Find a grief support group and/or a single parent support group - somewhere you can go to not feel alone, some even offer free childcare. This may seem like a waste of time but it will be worth it. First off, realize you can't do it all - if all you can do one night is the dishes, then do them, the next night tackle the laundry, etc. In small steps you will get there and you will get through this - Good Luck.

Answer 5

Make sure that you're staying nourished, nutrient deficiencies can cause fatigue just as much as a 20 month old. Perhaps finding another single mom to be roommates with would help give you a support system, and someone to share chores with. Since you're in college, you're probably allowed to see a counselor for free for a certain number of hours per semester, so that's something to check into. Put your son to bed early enough each night so that you have some down time just to yourself. Stick in there and no that you're not alone and its okay to ask for help when you need it.

Answer 6

It's all OKAY!! Your son will take some getting used to but all he needs is a LITTLE discipline and start doing stuff with him! This worked sooo good with my little sister and my 2 little cousins (they're about your son's age). I would get some potatoes out (about 2), peel em' and cut them up (as thin french fries) and let them stick the cut up potatoes in a bowl of water. Then I would drain the water out and have someone wipe off the counter. Then, I get some seasoning salt (Lawry's) and put some in a the cap and let them pour it on the fries. I would put enough on there and then I would fry them (you can also bake them) and get some little nuggets out the freezer and bake those. They were sooo proud of what they made and I was happy because I never saw them behave themselfs!! Just give him little chores and make them fun!

Answer 7

I hope you can find a group of young mothers in a similar situation. Maybe you can share advice, help each other and have people who understand to talk to.

I know it must be a great deal to contend with. I'm sure your child is very important to you, and I just hope you get a little helping hand, or a kindness done for you, that will help a little.

I wish I could do more than merely offer my best wishes and prayers. Again, there must be others you could talk to and work with, to mutual belefit.

Good luck.

Answer 8

for a while and see how things go on? I am sure she will miss you and change her attitude. I know how it is to have a difficult mother, I am 20 years old and two years ago I had to leave my country (Greece) and come to the UK to get away of my crazy mom, we love each other but we just have completely different points of view about life. I am sure your mom loves you but this is just who she is and how she behaves, talk with her try to understand her and make her understand you. If nothing change then I would suggest that you move out. It is not appropriate for a mother to ask money from her own child. Good luck, I hope that you will get along with your mom one way or the other :)

Answer 9

You are going through a lot emotionally. Remember that little ones make messes, get on our nerves and break our stuff, but he is never ever trying to hurt you. Do you have parents who can watch him so that you can take a break? Can you organize the mess while he naps, or take a nap yourself? However you deal with it, find moments for yourself, remember that your home does not have to be perfect, and take time to mourn the loss of your son's daddy. Also, look at your baby when he is naughty or when he's peaceful and just love him...because he is yours and life is fragile.

Answer 10

If all else fails remind yourself that it's all about that child you have now. Up the wall is normal for 20 months. My son is 17 months and already driving us up the wall. Believe me, there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel. Finishing college will help also so DON'T give up.

Answer 11

Honey all kids are like that at his age.... .he needs attention and your house is a mess too well join the club you are not alone .You have to just suck it up and quit feeling sorry for yourself. That child needs your support and love. You are a GREAT mom already because you decided to keep your baby even though you are still young and in school yourself. You can do this hang in there it gets easier when they get a little older and are in school all day . Enjoy this time with him while he is young they grow up so fast.
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