how do i get my two toddler boys to stop fighting?

Question

I am so tired of breaking them up over toys - the older one takes away things to agitate. i try time outs and they seem useless. i feel i've lost control. how do i get them to stop fighting? they are 2 and 3 1/2

Answer 1

I have a 4 and 5 five year old,and it's just something that come w/ the territory of having children especially that close together.Just cherish those seldom moments when they actually love each other!

Answer 2

Time. I have a 1 1/2 girl and 2 1/2 boy. They fight like crazy at home. I used to give time outs and a little pat on the bottom but neither worked. I have been told by several people that it is just a phase that they go through just to give it time. I have tired taking the toys away but that just makes them more ticked. I just let them go at it now. I don't let it get to out of control without stepping in. All siblings fight but are the best of friends. Just hang in there. I will be trying to hang in there right with you.

Answer 3

BOTH of your boys needs some 'alone time' when they don't have to be in the same room, and they also need some 'alone with Mommy time' where they can get ALL of your attention. You can NOT 'punish' either of them into not fighting, because they are both way too young, and children shouldn't be 'punished' for anything in the first place ... In fact, I'm guessing that they ARE 'fighting' simply because they both CRAVE YOUR ATTENTION. Another thing that you can do is to get the EACH separate 'toys', even if that means buying 'two' of EVERYTHING ... and be sure that each boys toys are 'marked and easily identifiable as that child's toy' ... and tell them that they each must play ONLY with their own toys until they're older and can learn to 'share' without fighting. By consistently and 'even-mindedly' forcing them to do everything 'alone' you will actually be telling each of them that he's JUST FINE and giving them time to 'realize' that 'playing together' is a lot more fun than 'playing side by side.' I don't know WHY that works, but it does ...

Answer 4

It's going to happen. Repeatedly, and certainly throughout their lives at home with you. :)

I have three children, the first two are only 14 months apart in age, so I know what you're going through. I suggest taking the toys they're fighting over away. Explain to them that they need to share (your 3.5 is old enough to understand this concept). If they don't share, they can't have the toy.

Be sure to catch them when they're playing well together, too. Positive reinforcement can be a great way to help your kids learn what's "good" and what's not.

Personally, unless it degrades to them being mean to one another (er, like hitting and intentionally hurting), you could let them fight it out a little. As I said in my first sentence, their fighting is inevitable.

Stick to your guns, so to speak, and you might see things improve after awhile.

(At our house the problem occurs mostly when all three of the children are together. Our oldest will be 6 next month, and her brother 5 two months after that. The youngest is nearly 3 now.)

Good luck!

Answer 5

I have an 18 month old and a nearly 3 year old (will be 3 in March) and we're going through the same thing right now. The older one will be sitting at his train table playing quietly, and his little brother will come up and just take the train right out from under his nose. Of course the older one gets pissed and starts screaming and crying, so he shoves his little brother, then HE starts crying. The thing is, the younger one is the instigator. We have a huge tote FULL of trains, and the little one knows where it is--he steals his brother's train just to agitate him. I really wish I knew how to stop this. My husband and I found it's best to separate them when they get like that. He'll take one kid, I'll take another, and we'll go to opposite ends of the house and play until they've calmed down. That's the only suggestion I have. Sorry :(

Answer 6

Play teacher with them, and involve them in activities (singing along to songs or whatever) so they can experience "having fun" together. See, siblings that fight are usually ones that never experience positive interactions. You have to model this by leading them through it. Make them laugh together. Do things that don't involve a material object.

Teach them by using sympathy. Teach them sympathy. ("Awwwe, your little brother has no toys........awee give him a toy ....oh you are such a good brother!!!! Good boy)

Teach them to be affectionate with each other. "Give your little brother a hug! Awwee!!! We all love each other!!"
*group hug*

This doesn't mean that the negative stuff will stop They will still fight, but at the same time you balancing things out with positive teachings.

My kids fight a lot, but they stop it whenever I call for a family activity (boardgames, read aloud a good kid's book over the weekends, art activities)...........all of a sudden they start having fun with each other. Us parents must GUIDE them in this.

Time out will work for you later when your kids are older. Right now you just want to try to stir them in the right direction, and talk them through the situation using sympathy. (like I describe above) Also teach them the concept of "taking turns" because they don't know it yet. Their minds haven't reached that milestone, and you can teach it by talking them through it. The most agressive child gets a toy away from the other. Emphasize the phrase "Let's take turns......... okay you can play with it for a little while, but after 10 minutes your brother will play with it."

I guarantee you, you will here crying and tantrums, but that is ok. Don't feel like a failure when you hear a tantrum --- that is a toddler's language. It's not a sign that he is spoiled. That is a sign that he hasn't developed oral language yet, and it is an emotional reaction. Once they see the pattern that "taking turns" means they have to wait, but they will eventually get their turn -- then they will "get it."

How long does that take? Well, it depends on how much time YOU spend to teach that concept. WHen a child is having to wait for his turn, pick another activity for them to do.

And as much as possible, try to look ahead and prevent situations.

Right now they don't have the brain skills developed, so punishing them is not going to help here.

***Remember*****
Always phrase your corrections in a way that it tells the child what you WANT from them, not what you don't want.

For example,


Instead of saying:
"Stop hitting your little brother!!!"

Say this , "Johnny , let's keep your hands to yourself!"

And instead of saying:
"This room is a pigstye! Clean up this mess!"

Say, "I want your room organized and clean, so you can enjoy it more."

Answer 7

If the older one takes something away from the younger one, take it back from him and give it back to the younger one. I would tell him that his brother/sister had it first and he needs to go and find something else to play with. The one who didn't do anything wrong shouldn't receive time out. However, there may be a hidden message the children are trying to get across. They may be vieing for your attention, whether it is negative attention or not. Try to take a little time out each day and sit with both of them playing a game or singing songs or something. I have 5 boys, they are 26, 18, 13. and 10 yr old twins. The three younger ones get into picking on each other and so one day, I made all three of them sit at the table with me, and they weren't allowed to leave until each one of them said they loved each other, and to tell them something that they admired about each other. My 13 took the longest, he refused at first to participate, but he gave in finally. We all ended up having a nice conversation afterwards. I told them next time they were all three going to sit on the couch and hold each others hands until they behaved and their mouths dropped...lol I realize however that your children are much younger than mine. It sounds quite typically for their ages, even though it is driving you crazy. Maybe, you could try letting them go, and resolving it themselves, as long as one doesn't hurt the other. Or if the older one takes something away from the younger one, let him have it, and then say to the younger one, want to come and play with me? or read with me? or whatever. The older child will get the idea eventually that his behaviour is causing the younger one to get more positive attention...and he will not be getting the negative attention. Then he may just want to start joining you, instead of fighting.

Answer 8

Things I do to my 3 & ½ yo boy & 2 yo girl.

-Time out for the offending party
-The offending party MUST apologize to the other
-Toy taken away from the offending party as well as any other privilege I can think of at the time
-Individual toys that they don’t have to share
-Punishment for both

One thing I’ve done which has been surprisingly effective is making them kiss and make up. Make them apologize to each other and kiss and hug.

If we’re in the car, I make them tell each other “I love you” since they can’t kiss & hug. It is the cutest thing ever when they say “I love you” to each other and they get along so good afterwards.

Answer 9

No more time-outs..that's the first step. Time-outs obviously don't work for them and prolonging the use of them is just making this situation worse.

When they fight over a toy, take it away. Tell them if they can't share it then they can't play with it. If they fight over another toy, take it away. When they share a toy, praise them and give them back one of the toys you took away. They will learn that bad behavior gets toys taken away, and good behavior gets toys back.

Answer 10

honestly i don't think they will ever stop, my step kids are 10 and 9 year old boys and they have never stopped. their dad has put them in time out over and over agin sometimes back to back and it hasn't helped yet.
maybe try buying similar toys just different colors, or my aunt use to throw my cousins toys away she sould even be driving down the road and warn them and if they didn't listen out the window it went (a little harsh-but she would get sick and tired of it) but honestly they will just find something else to fit over