My boyfriend and I live together... We've been together 5 months and we each have one child from previous relationships... both of whom live with us. We went to a friends house last weekend and I found out that he cheated on his ex-wife and that is why their marriage ended... his ex-girlfriend and him used to have drug parties... and they used to meet couples online and... well, you can fill in the rest. I know it was in the past, but I feel betrayed and lied to! He told me he had never cheated on anybody... and that he has never done hard drugs. I know that he is ashamed, but I can't even look at him now! He tries to touch me and I just get disgusted and move away! I don't know how to ask him about it... or bring it up... Any ideas!?
2007-01-25 05:37:21 · 40 answers · asked by JustMe 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Yes I would. Just ask him, its better then to keep it inside.
2007-01-25 05:48:58 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Well, if you are going to make your partnership work (and if you still want it to) then you BOTH need to be honest with each other.
You each have a right to secrets about your past. Lets face it, some things are better left unshared. Case in point being this issue. If you had not discovered it, and he was not repeating the past behavior how would things have been.
So.. having stated the obvious, you two need to discuss it. If you don't, your relationship is, to put it bluntly, doomed.
1) You explain to him your feelings and how they are affecting your interaction.
2) He needs to explain WHY he didn't share it. (What he did and why he did it back then is prob . none of your business except as it relates to present day concerns).
3) Health issues: You BOTH should go down and get a full spectrum screen Any negative results could impact both you AND your children so this is important and, until you do it, will keep nagging at your relationship.
4) After all the discussions, you need to decide where you two are going. If you choose to staty together then you both have to make positive steps to re-build the faith and trust in each other.
whichever road you choose... good luck to you.
2007-01-25 06:27:18 · answer #2 · answered by ca_surveyor 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well this a serious matter, he did lie to you!...he should have been open from the start, a relationship is about being truthful and he betrayed your trust before even fully having it in the first place. I would sit down with him and say listen i have been hearing somethings that are really throwing me off track, i am upset and cant understand why you lied to me. This is erious, bceause you are startig a potential long term relationship with him and you need to now his record, they say once a cheater always a cheater, and i am sure if you knew what he did you probably wouldnt have given him as much a chance as you have now. but people can change, you need to understand this, maybe he cheated and learned his lesson, sometimes it sets people staright by them realizing it was wrong and they shouldnt be doing it and they run to their love and are faithful from then on.....you have a lot on your plate right now to think about, but the most important thing to do is talk to him.....communication is the key! good luck!
2007-01-25 05:49:11 · answer #3 · answered by Life....it blows! 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no all people have pasts and my husband has a doosey he was in to hard drugs and cheated on his ex wife but that was 15 years ago and some people actually learn from there mistakes you need to look at how this man treats his and your child and how he treats you and than ask your self is he the man that he was or is he different .chances are he's not using drugs any more or you wouldn't have a computer because he'd have pawned it by now. if you can find a person who thinks there perfect or has never made mistakes in there past i'll show you a big fat liar who is in denial . good luck and rember to think of the good in this person too not just his past people do improve themselves at least some of us do
2007-01-25 05:51:29 · answer #4 · answered by auntie s 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to come to terms with it before you get into something you can't get out of.
First, I'd suggest he be tested for any STD's and then dealing with the lie is between you and him. Maybe he didn't know how to tell you and he is truly ashamed, or perhaps he chalks it up to experience and has moved on from that. But then again, he may end up "suggesting" this lifestyle to you. You need to make it very clear that you aren't interested if you aren't. If you decide to work things out, you might try spicing things up a little with marital aids after a while. He can still enjoy a little kinkiness right at home and will have no need to look at alternate lifestyles.
2007-01-25 05:50:37 · answer #5 · answered by TriviaFunster 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is not good. But glad you have found out now! Imagine if it was further down the line years later. Tell him how you feel betrayed by his Lies and dishonesty, about his past drugs life, and the other things he has denied. Honestly, I feel this will be a bad relationship because of his past and if he can Lie to you now, He will Lie to you again. Please try to pluck up the Courage to say Goodbye now, because I feel there will be great Pain ahead for you if you stay with him-Trust Me. I was married to a Liar for 5 years and once they start-They never Stop.
2007-01-25 05:51:55 · answer #6 · answered by maria t 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell him that it's over. Once a cheater always a cheater and if he lied to you then where is the honesty in your relationship? If I were you, I would probably not ever get the trust back from him that I once may have had. And not having trust in someone is just not healthy.
Just go up to him and say that you can't be with a liar and a cheater. and then go find a man that will treat you right :)
Hope that helps!
2007-01-25 06:02:26 · answer #7 · answered by KATiE 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i would feel the same way but you have to do whats best for you and you child. does he have any signs that hes still on drugs? 5 mo isn't really that long of a relationship i would be very careful those are two huge parts of his life and it would make me wonder what else he was hiding. you cant have a good relationship if your not honest with each other if you really want it to work sit him down and tell him you need to know everything. then decide if he is truly who you want in you and your child's life. good luck
2007-01-25 05:48:19 · answer #8 · answered by sharebear80817 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you can't even look at him or be touched by him, it sounds like he totally lost your trust AND that you're not attracted to him anymore because of it. Who likes to be lied to? If he'd going to tell you a major lie like that 5 months into the relationship, how do you think the rest of the relationship will go? If it was me, I'd pack up and leave. AND I wouldn't move in with a guy with my KID after 5 months of dating ever again. Give your kid some stability. Wait next time.
2007-01-25 05:44:34 · answer #9 · answered by what? 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
WOW! Well, all you can really do is talk to him about and tell him how it makes you feel. Also if you are both having trouble putting this thing to rest, you might want to try couples therapy. If you REALLY want to save this relationship, you owe it to yourselves to go. There's got to be some underlying reasons why you can't let this thing go. I'm not a licensed professional so I won't give you any of my theories.
2007-01-25 05:48:44 · answer #10 · answered by beckbeck 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Eh, people lie. Sorry, but this isn't the movies where you're going to find the perfect man.
Real people have real pasts. If you've been happy with him up to this point then why screw it up? It would be different if he were still using drugs and cheating, but he's not. So shut up and go do something dirty to him.
2007-01-25 05:44:14 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋