My 13 year-old -daughter is kinda sad and won't say why, what can I do?

Question

She's been kinda sad lately, she doesnt talk, avoids friends, wants to be alone. Sometimes she goes to her room and stays there for several hours. When I ask her what's going on she just says "nothing". She's a wonderful teen, we have a very good relationship, usually opens her heart to me, so I can't understand why she doesn't tell me what's wrong. There was no fight, nothing I can see that could make her so sad. I'm sure this has nothing to do with a boy, she's never had a boyfriend, she's much more into her studies and her family than into guys. Yesterday there was tears in her eyes, I almost shouted at her Hun, please, tel me, what's wrong?? But she said Nothing, and Mom, please, if you love me, leave me alone , I gotta be alone. She said she loved me but wanted to be alone. Why doesn't she trust me any more?
I can't bear with this, I think this night when she goes to bed I'll sit at her side and won't leave until she tells me everything.

Answer 1

You cant force her to open us to you. I know this must be hard for you to bear because you two use to have such a great relationship. What you should do is realize she is becoming a teenager. She is at that age when hormones are being developed and everything starts to change. I wouldn't be surprised if you twos relationship completely takes a 360 and turns for the worse. Or.... maybe shes depressed.... 47% of teens report their depression..... and that doesn't count the teens who don't report their depression. Depression amongst teens is an uprising issue in the states. Don't jump to conclusions though. Don't bug her about whats wrong. The more you nag at her, the less she will want to talk about it.Just let her know you are there for her when she needs to talk, no matter what you are doing you will always be there for her. This is the time in her life when she needs to figure out who she is without holding her mothers hand.

I wish you the best!

Answer 2

Give her some time and some space. She's probably trying to get things in perspective before she brings it up. No doubt something has hurt her. It could be anything . . . a remark she heard; a loss of confidence in a friend(s); disappointment in a project, school, an expectation, or a promise; a discovery of something that may be shocking or a family secret, perhaps; feelings not reciprocated; lack of confidence in herself; etc.

Thirteen is a very tumultuous age. There is the break from childhood but the portal to adulthood is still a long way off. The hormonal changes and their effects are tremendous.

Her peers are on their own personal journeys of discovery and may not be able to be a strong support system for each other.

The emotions are mixed. The highs and lows are extreme at times, nothing in-between. This is also the period of doubtfulness. There no longer is that certainty they have that their world is secure. Even their 100% "adoration" of their parents is greatly diminished. Parents are no longer the authority on everything in life. There are "other" sources available to seek.

Trying to push the issue at this point may not be the best action to take. By your mere presence and caring, she will realize that the world as she knows it may have changed but there is one thing she could be sure of: her mother will always watch her back.

Answer 3

Come on MOM. You were 13 once. Could you tell your mother that there was a guy you were interested in seeing? NO Not at that age. But that is exactly what the problem is. Here's what you do.

Make her favorite dish for dinner. Make sure DAD is no where around when you have this mom and daughter talk. Then just tell her that you were 13 once before. You were 14 and 15 and 18 and 22 and whatever. Each one of those years (name off the years you got out of a relationship with a guy). "Each one of those years, I just named, were the years I remember being all torn up over a guy. But what I learned through all of this is, as long as I am happy about the woman I am becomming, I'll find someone to share my life with. Men will come and go, but the one thing that will remain the same, is what you think of yourself. You are a brilliantly smart, beautiful young lady, who has a heart as large as Texas. You have nothing to be sad about, because you will find another boy who will treat you like the princess you are. Just smile and be happy that you are who you are. Prince charming will come when you least expect it.

Answer 4

Do something together, just the two of you. Take her shopping, go in the kitchen and bake cookies together. Anything where you and she are alone and doing "something" together. Have a normal conversation, but don't ask specifically "what's wrong".....maybe, just maybe......during the course of this normal conversation any problem she may have will come out.

It's not a matter of not trusting you or not loving you, not at all. She's 13....that's a very sensitive age. Her hormones are all out of whack and she doesn't know how to deal with it. But, at the same time, she also doesn't know the right questions to ask.....right now, for her, these changes are only "feelings" and she doesn't know what they mean. Trying to force her to tell you something won't work, she has to tell you on her own. All you can do is give her plenty of openings. Just because she's never had a boyfriend (yet), doesn't mean that's not the issue now.

Answer 5

You think this has nothing to do with boys? Well, I was her age 11 years ago. That's the age where everything starts to become about the opposite sex. Just because she didn't tell you there was a boy she was interested in doesn't mean that there wasn't one. I went through several girls from 13 to 16 that my parents never found out about. Possibilities are:
-There's a boy she likes that doesn't like her back
-There's a boy she likes that her friend took away from her
-She had a secret boyfriend that dumped her

There are more possibilities. I'm willing to guess that this does have something to do with boys, and she just can't come and say it to you. At this age she probably needs some alone time. As callous as this sounds, I would probably stop worrying about what the problem is and just try to make her feel better. Take her out somewhere that she loves, or something... I'm sure you can think of something.

Answer 6

Say because you love her you can't leave her alone. Something has happened. Some say just normal puberty stuff, but you know in your heart, there is something more to it. Mom's know.

Explain whatever it is, you will always love her and you won't get mad. Ask about topics you think it might be. Did she do something wrong? Is someone at school doing something? Is it about sex? Did someone hurt her? Female issues and so on.

Explain you won't get mad. Maybe she did something wrong and feels bad and doesn't want you to know. If she opens up, Don't over-react, stay calm. Explain if she has done something wrong, you can help her figure out how to make it right. You are on her side. Tell her you were not perfect, and you made some pretty big mistakes yourself.

Try to get her to relate to you. Say that because you love her and hate to see her sad, talk to you or at the very least, if she doesn't want to talk to you, talk to someone she and you trust.

Then try to get her to be sympathetic to you. Explain what it is like to be a mom and have a baby you always worry about and how it's in your nature to protect her, you can't help yourself, it's hard programmed in you. Try and get her to look at it from your point of view.

Good luck. I would love to see this resolved. I will check your question tomorrow to check for an update and see if she opened up. Been there myself.

Answer 7

First of all don't fool yourself into thinking boys aren't part of it. You don't know what's going on at school when you aren't there! Kids this age are great at hiding stuff from parents! You may think you know her, but chance are better that you don't! It could be lots of stuff, maybe she found out something about the family you don't know, it could be trouble with her friends, it COULD be about a boy, it could just be hormone changes. Just don't let your love for your daughter, blind you to what could be going on. There are so many girls your daughter's age having sex and getting pregnant these days, it's unbelievable! I feel a good parent will snoop around and find out what she's up to. Talk to the Teacher, she may know what the problem is or at least give you an idea about it. Just remember you little precious is a tanager now and they can change right before you eyes, if you aren't looking for it. Don't put ANYTHING PAST HER, cause you really DON'T KNOW. Sorry, but it's true!

Answer 8

Give her some space... at 13 she has a lot going. The life of a teen can be very stressful, and there are a thousand things that could be on her mind.

As long as you don't feel that she is a danger to herself, let her be, if you have an open relationship with her she will come to you when she is ready.

If you are afraid that it is something more serious, tell her that you are concerned, and that while you respect her privacy, you are worried about her and need to know that she is okay. Ask her if she would feel more comfortable talking to someone else, and if she says yes, arrange it.

Answer 9

Being 13 is no picnic. The body is going through changes physically and hormones are going crazy. You know how pregnant women become sad or angry without much cause? Hormones! Your daughter may not know what is wrong.

Hopefully she's getting enough to eat and sleeping well, but maybe she's not so she's feeling low. Moodiness goes with being a teenager. Also, this is a time when a girl's self-image is distorted. A girl with breasts is self-conscious about them possibly and a girl without them is self-conscious because she doesn't have them.

Just smother her (from afar ;) with love and trust that she will tell you if anything is seriously wrong. Let her know you're there for her and make her some tea or cookies or a favorite meal and let her know how much you value her as the young lady she is becoming.

Answer 10

Maybe you could use the approach that seeing her so sad makes you so sad... Something may have happened at school that she's embarassed about. Maybe she's getting teased for something - kids can be really nasty. Maybe it's something worse than that. At the end of the day you can't make her tell you, but I wouldn't see it that she doesn't trust you. She probably just doesn't want to burden you with her problems. I'd definately try telling her that it's upsetting you seeing her like that, & whatever it is it won't change your opinion of her & you'll be able to help her. Is there a cousin or aunty or someone else that she's close to that she might talk to instead? It might be something that's a teenager problem & the cool aunty would be better than the mom to talk to. She obviously knows that you want to help, so it's a good start. I wouldn't take it personally though that she doesn't want to tell you... Good luck :)