problems with sister n law?

Question

I have been married for 10 months, my 18yr old sister n law lives with me and my husband and our 4 children. She is driving me crazy.....she lives rent free, we never ask her for anything but to save her money and maybe every once in a while to watch the kids. My problem is that my husband feels that we should be the one to buy her tolietries such as soap, toothpaste, washing powder and things of that nature. I feel she needs to buy her own and start being more responsible for her personal things of that nature. I buy those items for the house but I just feel she should buy her own toletries. I'm I being childish? I just want her to grow up and start learning how to be responsible and stop depending on "big brother" so much. Please help

Answer 1

The problem lies between you and your husband and until you can come to a mutual agreement you really can't approach her.

Time to sit down and talk CALMLY with your husband about your concerns. If you go behind his back it will only make trouble between the 2 of you. Explain that if you were in your sister-in-law's position you would feel like you should pay for your own toiletries and then ask him how he personally would feel if he were living with his sister. If you and he can come to an agreement, fine, then tactfully approach his sister with your request. Not your demand, your request.

When it comes to in-laws, you need to tread carefully -- though firmly. And no, I don't think you're being childish. You have a very reasonable request and concern.

Answer 2

She is 18, and she should have some responsibilities toward the house she lives in (yours, hers, or whoever it happens to be).
For what you said, I assume she has a job (saving money) or maybe a part time job… and maybe she is also a student (hopefully). If so, then is time to make her responsible for something, like if she makes lots of money, she could take care to pitch in for money for the house (any expense) or pay directly a house service like power, or cable, or phone.

If she doesn’t get much money, and you (as a couple) want her to save money, then let her have a different responsibility like cleaning, watching your kids more often, going to the grocery store (to buy not only her stuff but for the family and the house as well).

It seems to me that she is not the one driving you crazy alone, but also your husband as he keeps on insisting on giving her everything for free. You should start by talking to him and make him understand that for her own good, she must (read well… MUST) start having responsibilities (even if she already have for studying and working) inside the house as she will eventually have to have her own house and family. It will teach and help her in life anyways.

If talking to him doesn’t work, then you have a problem with him because later on history will repeat on your kids: he will give them everything until they are 40 years old! And you don’t want that to happen. On the other hand, you can also talk to your sister in law as “sisters” and/or friends, and let her see how you feel and how things are in reality in this world: nothing is for free!

Hopefully, you and your family will work it out. Just make sure to bring this up, don’t keep it inside or it will turn against you sooner than you think.

Answer 3

You are not being childish. Does she need to live with you? Talk with your husband and discuss a deadline in which she is required to be out on her own.
It is your home. You're not being cruel or bossy or rude by doing this. Right now you are both doing her a disservice by letter her have things easy. In watching my younger siblings, the longer my parents coddle them and give them an easy life, the less self-confidence they have and the less inclined they are to do anything of value with their lives.
Good luck with that! It's won't be easy, but she'll be much better off in the long run.
If she is staying, come up with a sensible list of items for which you believe she should be responsible for. In an unemotional meeting, show the list to your husband and explain your reasons for several of the items. ASK HIS OPINION and let him know that you want to work with him to help his sister become a responsible young woman. (one step at a time if necessary.)

Answer 4

You are not being childish at all. In fact I think she should be doing chores around the house. She should be earning her keep. Maybe you could have her cook a few meals a week and get the groceries. She will never grow up if she depends on other people to take care of her. You and your family are going to be miserable if this continues. She should definitely be buying her own toiletries. Or at least give you some money to help buy them.

Answer 5

Sounds like your husband has taken the job of being her father rather then a brother. Your husband needs to understand you are only married 10 months and would like not only some privacy but he needs to respect your op ion. You need to suggest to your husband that she needs to pay some rent and buy her own toiletries. The money she gives you can save for her and give it back when she moves out. After all at this rate why should she move out and pay any bills when she can live there and not have to pay for anything.

Answer 6

Nope, you're being a sensible adult. The girl is old enough to be on her own where she'd have to pay out a lot more than just those personal items. You need to explain that to your husband. Sit him down and talk it out rationally.

I bet she doesn't have a problem with buying the things she wants so why should she have a problem with buying the things she needs.

Answer 7

you not being childish.... your sister in law need to move out and so since you didn't ask for rent, food, other things and want her to save all the money.. UMMMM, where did she put all that money??? or do with it. Your husband need to stand up with his own sister because she is a freaking free loader since she been asking her brother for soap stuff i wonder if she even asked for PAD??? smiling.

But you should talk to your husband and tell him how you feel and let him know that it really causing us a plm at home.. and if he still not listening then just find hotel or friend to stay at? then until that girl leaves.

I mean If she going to do that to my wife and her sister do that to her??? I would be telling my wife honey, you need to tell her to get her own and find her own man to take care of her.

smiling.

Answer 8

You are right. Although it is a kind gesture to let her live with you, if she is staying out her welcome in your opinion some tough love is in order. If she has a job she should be able to give money for rent. That rent can be put toward the rise in bills like groceries, electric, water, toiletries, and such. If she is having problems with this I think you are right about making her buy everything on her own. Even encourage her to label her grocery items and toiletries so everyone knows which ones she bought.

Answer 9

You should just pity people like this just want attention and really my dear its sad and pathetic so let her make a *** out of herself and take pictures of how bad she looks stick it in a photo album and years later gift wrap it I never felt I had to compete with anybody and yes she is annoying but the more you feed into the worse she will be and you don't half to dress half naked to look good and you know that this is not a competition you are fine as you are do not stoop to her level

Answer 10

No, I don't think that you're being childish.. .Matter of fact, with everything she is getting free, she needs to do that and a little more. Family living with you, puts strain on a marriage, and I would tell her she needs to buy her own stuff, and start saving to get out of your house.