I am an adult, but I am a very nice person who does not want to go yelling at other people or putting others down. My sister wants to control my thoughts, my religious beliefs ( she is a very strict christian and i am a Gnostic christian) , what i should or should not be watching on television, what i can believe or not believe, and now the new one is how I tell her a story which is the craziest thing i ever heard. She is always harsh and judgemental if i am not like her and its not done out of love. She cannot stand if people are not like her in the family. I get the most of the crap in the family from her. I cannot deal with it anymore so could someone please tell me what I can do or say the next time she makes a harsh judgemental or controlling comment towards me? The only time she is really nice to me is when she is talking about herself! Listen to this, she really had a suspision of online college because I am getting A's, how insulting is that. I work hard for my grades.
2007-01-25 03:20:02 · 18 answers · asked by daisy322_98 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
you answered your own question in four words: "I am an adult," so the best you can do is live your life and just ignore her. it looks like your sister is like this with everyone ("she cannot stand if people are not like her in the family"), and not just you. which makes this HER problem and a problem with HER personality. when she sees that her ways are pushing everyone around her away, maybe she'll change.
2007-01-25 03:27:03 · answer #1 · answered by Haiti Cherie 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can really sympathize with you about this problem!! I have NINE brothers and sisters( 4 brothers and 5 sisters), all by the same parents, and I am the YOUNGEST!! Can you imagine THAT?!! Anyway, I can relate to you on how you feel. It's like NOTHING you ever do is right, they think they know it all. They think that they have ALL the solutions to your problems just because they feel they have more " knowledge" of the world than you do. Like someone else stated, there isnt too much you can do about it except to ignore them. If you havent tried to talk to them, then maybe its time that you do. When one of my brothers or sisters tried to be judgmental in what I have done, and the decisions that I have made in life, I would turn the tables back on them. I would make them take a close look at their OWN lives BEFORE they start to criticize mine! So, the next time they really start to get on your nerves, point out to them the wrong choices that they have made in theirs, and give them advice about their life. I can gurantee you that it works!! Siblings rarely, if ever, want a looking glass into their own lives because usually, they dont like what they see. About the boyfriend situation. Tell them to BUTT OUT!! What goes on with you and your boyfriend is none of their concern. As long as he makes you happy, then that is all that matters. However, if they dont take the advice that you offer by telling them to mind their own business, then I would suggest you start doing the same to them. NO ONE should have to be made to feel like they are torn in two between a family member and the one that they are in a relationship with. And, I am sorry for saying this, but if it bothers you that much, then I would suggest that you disassociate yourself from the people who are making you feel this way. It may be hard to do, but for your own peace of mind, it might be the right thing for you to do. Good luck, and I hope that my answer has helped you.
2016-05-23 22:23:22 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I suggest a few things. You need to stand up for yourself without yelling or putting anyone down. You are an adult, clearly your sister, though older, has not matured. She sounds like a controlling, egotistical, difficult person, which means she is probably very insecure and trying to compensate for her own fears and feelings of inadequacy. Combine all of that with what has become fanatacism and you have a very unpleasant and probably very unhappy person to deal with. And not only that, she's still your sister, so it's not the easiest thing in the world to avoid her.
It is hard to know what you mean by "strict Christian" since so many people's ideas are different and people have a tendency to do as they please, even within so-called religions and denominations. She is clearly capable of twisting her beliefs or scripture or teachings so that they suit her as she wants them to.
I strongly suggest you familiarize yourself with scripture that she claims to believe in so that you can quote it back to her, particularly verses about not being judgmental, about having a gentle, quiet spirit. I'll paste some references below that you can look up on a website such as biblegateway.com. You can also do a keyword search there for verses with many different versions of the bible available.
You can explain to your sister (if you can get her to be quiet and listen for a moment) that you understand that she has her beliefs and that you respect her right to have her own beliefs. Tell her that you deserve that same respect and that you are tired of being put down, criticized, and hurt again and again by her harsh words and unforgiving spirit. Tell her that you appreciate that she is concerned for your spirit, but that you do not appreciate and will not allow any more of her controlling, judgmental behavior and that in the future, if she continues to act as she has been, you will choose to avoid her and ask her to do the same for you. Explain to her what your schooling is like and what kind of grades you are getting, in spite of her continued unkindness and pettiness, you are still succeeding and will continue to do so with or without her help. Tell her that you love her as a sister and would appreciate her support and encouragement, and if she can't give you those things or at the very least stop being mean to you, that you wish her the very best and will be praying for her, but that you cannot continue to allow her negativity to affect you.
Blessings in dealing with this difficult person. Speak the truth in love and know that you are a beautiful, kind person who can rise above it.
2007-01-25 04:14:29 · answer #3 · answered by minfue 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can not change her, and she can not change you! I have learned that when a person has their mind made up about something it is no use to try to explain anything.
My standard answer is ' THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR OPINION AND?----'. what is does is to let them know that whatever they just got through saying does not have any value and it did not apply to you. I have used this statement so many times and most of the time the person will be so frustrate that they just walk away with their hands up in the air. They will make a comment about that I was not listening or they only want to help me. And I just laugh as loud as I can at them.
A great organization that will help you is CODA-co-dependent anonymous. The meeting are free and the focus is for healthy relationship with your friends, family member, co-workers, lovers, and all human beings.
2007-01-25 04:00:35 · answer #4 · answered by D S 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One way to handle it is when she starts in is to turn around and walk away. If you are in your home or your parent/s, go into a room and close the door. If you are at her house put your coat on and leave. I would continue do this until she gets the message. If she says anything tell her you are no longer going to listen to her as you are an adult perfectly capable of making your decisions without the help of her. If she continues then you will have to make the decision if it is worth it to keep seeing her. Sometimes a person's mental health is more important.
2007-01-25 03:28:22 · answer #5 · answered by Sparkles 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you do not live with her, simply contact her and let her know that you will no longer be speaking with her, nor is she allowed to visit your home until she can realize you are your own person. If you do live with her, let her know that you are moving out unless she let's you be who you want to be. Life is too short to live by other's standards. If she cannot understand, give her the cold shoulder. Ignore her calls, Do not invite her into your home. Sooner or later she'll get the picture and let you be you. Tell her you've lived in her shadow your whole life being her younger sister, and now that you're grown up you'd like to do things the way you want. If she can't understand why, you don't need her. Good luck.
2007-01-25 03:27:59 · answer #6 · answered by Ophelia 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell you sister that you know i love you you are my sister no matter what I am not going to change you for who you are and I not going to change who I am and God love us no matter what... and you know You talk about yourself what do I do?? I listen what you have to say. But I never harsh or judgemental, I just hear your story because to know that I would like hear your day. But for me to tell you for my day you get upset mad angry and stuff like that. But you know what ever I do you shouldn't be worry about it... If you love me as your sister please don't put me down too much like that.
I am not worry about your life and want you do the same thing.. If you feel that I telling you something that really effect you so much pls tell me to not talk about it and I will stop... But you and I will always be sisters no matter what. You have taught me alot since you didn't notice but I not do anything to make you listen or feel that way...
What ever you believe I respect that what ever I believe need you respect that. That all I am asking of you. If we can't fix the plm then I can always say good morning and I love you bye Hi stuff like that ....
2007-01-25 03:50:06 · answer #7 · answered by greenbaypackers1920 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her straightforward about how you feel. If she keeps this behavior up remove her from the scenario. Your family shouldn’t make you feel bad about yourself. Don’t invite her over and don’t go out of your way to see her. If you are at a family gathering remain civil but try to stay in conversation with others. And if she gets judgmental with others in your presence point it out to her.
2007-01-25 03:27:58 · answer #8 · answered by prettyblueeyes101010 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to hear that sweet heart it's hard to live with people that think they need to control everyone in their life. I would remind her that Jesus said "Judge not lest you be judged" or maybe remind her that God gave us free will so we have the opportunity to make are own decisions and mistakes, not so over bearing siblings can try to relive their childhood through younger sister's.
2007-01-25 03:29:14 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
wow, i could have asked that question a few years back...i can only say that you have to just tell her to back off...if she wants to have anything to do with you she must respect you for who you are and stop trying to push off her beliefs and ideas on you...Dont worry if she upset or insulted...tell her like it is. if you cant do it face to face write her a letter and tell her how you feel...be firm. good luck
2007-01-25 03:25:36 · answer #10 · answered by Suzy 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋