am i wrong, by doing this.........?

Question

when i was 14(now 27)i dated this guy for 3 years and became pregnant by him. he was a looser, didn't work, drug addict(i didn't know at the time!)anyway, we broke up when i was like 4 mos. pregn't. he turned into a psycho & i had to put a restraining order on him...he bought my son's crib and gave me $100....EVER! he's never done anything else. my son doesn't have his last name. we lived in da same town & he's never pushed to see my son....i want nothing to do wit da dude.....i'm married now...been wit my husband for 7 years....my son is 9 years old and doesn't know he's not his "daddy"...i will eventually tell him...but when i met my husband, he spoke wit da dude, and the dude told him dat he wanted nothing to do wit my kid...this is a guy who has spent his life in & out of jail pretty much his whole life...and was a heroin addict..(for what i hear still is...)my question is..am i wrong about keeping him away from my son..this guy has nothing to offer my son, tell me wat u think.....

Answer 1

I would not let that loser anywhere near my child.
Any boy can be a father, but it takes a real man to
be a dad. Your son needs a dad and it sounds like
your new hubby is exactly that person. The child
will not be affected, by not knowing his "real" dad
if the "real" dad will never offer him anything. But
in fairness the child deserves to know (at about 15 ish)
when he will be wise enough to make his own assumption
of his "real" dad. Remember a good quote for your hubby to
tell your son is that He chose him to be his son. That will
ease the tension of the new daddy.

Society f**ks people up enough as it is. Give your son
a chance before society gets a hold of him. Shelter him
from drugs and the selfish people in the world (those that
won't make a (positive) difference in the world or in someone's
life). Love him (as I am sure you do) and if he ever asks about
his real dad, do not lie, nor tell your child how awful he was.
Let your son know that his "real" dad is the one that taught him
how to grow and cared for him and provided for him and the
other man was not capable of taking care of himself not alone
you and him.

Answer 2

I do not think you are wrong for what you are doing. When it comes to children, THEY are the first priority and any good parent will do what is best for their children. If it is best to keep his real father out of the picture, then do that. Your child (especially considering he's a boy) needs a positive male influence in his life...not some drug addict who's in and out of jail and has nothing to offer your son. You also did even better by allowing your husband to speak with your son's father...so it's not like he has not had the opportunity to be in your/his son's life. I would recommend that you wait until your son is older and at an age where he can truly comprehend the reasons behind what you did and then both you and your son can make a decision as to where to go from there. In the meantime, keep being a good mother and let your husband continue to be a good father. It takes much more than a sperm donation to be considered a daddy anyway. :o)

Answer 3

Your son needs to know at some time. It is up to you to decide when the timing is right. I have never lied to my son, not saying you have I tell my son everything and he appreciates that. It helps him to understand this world and what makes it be the way it is. I want my son to be the best and to have a happy safe life and i want him to be able to feel he can be open and talk to me about things and by being honest with him I feel i am teaching him honesty is the best thing. I do have things that are for adults that i do not share with him and I tell him when he gets older he will have the right to ask then or figure things out and talk as he needs to. You need to decide, but me I would tell him because he might be curious and think something is wrong with him, wonder why he sounds or looks like he does. Kids do wonder these things. Put yourself in his shoes and think about it and that might help you answer the question. Just because his father does bad things doesn't mean your a bad mom, you are trying to protect him and do the right thing he will understand. Good Luck!

Answer 4

If the birth father has no interest in seeing your son, and would be a bad influence, then I see no reason why he should be involved.

It sounds like your husband is a good guy, and a good role model for you son. I think that you should have your husband legally adopt your son. The birth father will have to give permission, but it means that later on, he won't be able to demand parental rights if he changes his mind. This is not someone you want around your son!

The library has some great kids books about adoption and divorce (I know you guys weren't married, but it will give you a starting point). I think your son is old enough to know that your husband is not his birth father. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to tell him, and the more resentful he will be when he finds out.

Answer 5

I'm one of thoes kids that they didn't tell right away that my Daddy was not really my Father. When I was 9 or 10 they came out and told me, cause they were afraid someone in the family would talk about it and I would hear. I had sort of figured it out on my own, but it's still devestating to find out for sure! It makes you feel like you aren't really a part of the family and you long to know who your real parent is and what they look like. Don't get me wrong, I loved my Dad and I was his little girl. That never changed, and I knew the man that Fathered me could never be my Dad, but I still wanted to see what he looked like. So to shorten a story, have pictures of your Son's father and family members if you can. Gather as much info as you can, to answer his questions. Don't be hurt if he wants to find them or meet them sometime in the future. The man that raised him will always be his Dad, but he will want to know who his Father is. No I don't think he needs to be around him now, but don't keep him from meeting him if he asks. He'll be smart enough to see what kind of man he is. I'd consider telling him sometime soon, that his Dad is not his Father. I think you can accept it easier the younger you are. Why not try to see if he will let your husband addopt your Son? Anyway, that's my story. I wish you the best with your Son and hope he deals with the truth soon. Best wishes!

Answer 6

You're not keeping him away if he hasn't done anything to try to be involved in the first place. Why feel bad after such a long time? Seems like you are in a good situation now, with a decent person and your son, and a father who doesn't give you a hard time about anything. You are right, your son's father has nothing to offer him, because he doesn't even want to try in the first place. Your son is lucky to have your husband to look up to and to have take care of him. I say leave things the way they are and don't worry about it for now.

Answer 7

At your son's age, I think he's ready to hear that your current husband is not his biological dad but that he's a dad that couldn't love him any more. Wait any longer, he's going to be upset with you. But as for keeping the loser out of your and your son's life...hell yeah! Explain to your son that his biological dad isn't a good person and that having him in his life would be more hurtful than helpful. Tell him that you'll support him meeting him when he's older if that's what he wants but that all the family he needs is right with you guys. Ugh, sorry your ex is such an asshat.

Answer 8

I don't think you're wrong in keeping him away from his son. He doesn't want anything to do with him, so just let it stay that way. Eventually your son will have questions .. I was in the same boat. My oldest daughter is 18 and has never met her dad. She contacted him but still hasn't met him yet. I left it as her choice now- she's old enough to make her own decisions in life. When the questions come, just answer them truthfully. Let your son know you weren't keeping him away from his dad, his dad didn't want anything to do with him. It will all work out in the end. Just don't dwell on it- enjoy your life and cross the bridge when you get to it. Good luck!!

Answer 9

I don't think you are. You're doing waht you think is best for your child. If this guy has not tried to ever see your child he has shown you that he wants nothing to do with your son. You have a good husband now who wants to be the childs father. Your son will be fine but you do need to tell your son one day. And be prepared that he might be angry at you for never having told him and keeping it from him this long.

Answer 10

Well your really not keeping him away , he doesnt want to see your son. My friend is in the same situation, she got pregnant aand he was a total a** and he pushed her while she was pregnant so she left him. Her daughter will be 3 next month and her biological father has never seen her, but my friends fiancee is the only "daddy" that she knows and thats the way it should be. If they are the one that taked care of them then they are the "daddy".