How to get closure and move forward when your adult daughter will not speak to you?

Question

My daughter told me December 23,2005 that she wants nothing more to do with me. She refuses to tell me why. I do not know what I have done. She visits and stays in touch with my ex in laws and ex husband yet refuses to speak to me. I have begged for her to please give me an answer either writing me a letter or through email she continues to ignore me. I have a granddaughter that I cannot see because of all of this. I stay in so much turmoil over this I cannot seem to move forward. She is my only daughter and my only granddaughter. Has anyone out there had similar or same situation and how did you go about coping when your adult child removes themselves from your life.

Answer 1

This is such a heartbreak, I really feel for you and understand because I too live with this same situation right down to the grandchild. First, I think since she won't talk to you then you must have someone she will talk to go and find out what the problem is. If enough of your family members will confront her on the situation then you will possibly learn the truth. You can't work on it if you don't know what it is. Once you find out what it is, you still may not resolve it. I wondered for a long time what I had done and when I found out what the problem was it was clear to me that there was no solution and so I had to walk away. I pray that you can find some way to make peace because as a mother you'll never be able to let this go. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my daughter and wish things could be different.

Answer 2

I can speak from experience. First, stop acting like a victim. You are an adult woman and it's time to take some responsibility for the estrangement with your child. Children don't reject their parent without a reason. In my case, I was unable to sustain a relationship with her. I'd be in and out of her life and it was a roller coaster ride. With great courage, she made a choice to protect herself, and her children, from the emotional pain of having me come into their lives, and the pain of abandonment as I went on with my life.

My first suggestion is STOP asking her to fix you. From what you've shared I picture you as an emotionally needy woman, playing the victim, unwilling to take a hard look at your behavior, and wanting what you want that you think will "fix" you.

So she is your only daughter, and her child is your only granddaughter--she has the right to choose the life she feels is safest and most positive for herself and her child. If she feels emotionally bled dry after contact with you, then I would break contact too.

I respect my daughter for taking care of herself and her children. That is what a good mother is all about. I am taking my cues from her these days. And, I am happy if she is open to an email from me. I pray we will reconnect someday. That's not up to me I made my bed, and well, you know how that goes...

When answering questions, I am seldom so coldly straight forward as I have been with you. There are many ways to get my point across in a gentler way. However, you and I understand each other. The only way you will possibly hear the truth is if it's in a bucket of cold water, tossed in your face.

Simply, you are not the victim, you are responsible for your actions that resulted in your daughter pulling away, and you are continuing to abuse her by demanding she tell you what you did. She is your daughter--she's not responsible for you. YOU ARE.

I worked with a counselor, read books, cried a lot, denied my part, and finally accepted my responsibility. After that, I have the strength and the patience to wait and honor her needs. She is my daughter and deserves my love and support and respect.

Answer 3

Don’t give up so easily. This is your family and at least you want to repair the damage even if you don’t know what has been done. Unfortunately sometimes these relationships can not be repaired and your daughter will see the error of her ways when it is too late. I would continue writing her letters. Don’t even mention that you want to know what you have done. Just tell her what has been going on in your life and ask her about hers. Do it once a month even if you don’t receive anything in response. Also reach out to your granddaughter. If she is too young to understand what is going on she will kind of feel like you don’t want her around. Send her cute little cards just to tell her you love her and think about her. I would call too, just to say hi and how everything is doing. But be persistent. If she has all the mail returned show up at her house with the cards and such. Show that you care about her and fixing your relationship. Mention family counseling too.

Answer 4

I am living this very nightmare... My youngest daughter is 22 just got married ( I was not invited) and is expecting my first grandchild... I have had to let it go.. It was making me sick.
Can you think of anything that you may have said or done that would have caused this rift?
Or perhaps you have family that is talking SH** about you behind your back, and making up lies as they go..
I wish there's was more I could say.
Closure is a long way off.. try and hold your head high and don't let know she has really hurt you. This will probably bring her much pleasure. Stop writing her, stop calling her..
She's either going to come around or she's not..
It is hurtful and confusing, and I am sorry for your pain.

Answer 5

I can relate. My sister and I don't talk anymore. She doesn't talk to my mom and neither of us know her daughter. She got married to the guy who got her pregnant and he just didn't want her to have anything to do with us anymore. It's a tough situation. My only suggestion would be to speak to the family she does talk to and see what she may have told them. Maybe you can find out why she is avoiding you. If she doesn't want a relationship for now try to give her some space so she can clear her head. I hope that she will find a way back into your life. I hope this helps you in some way.

Answer 6

I havnt had a similar experience but shes your only daughter your not expected to move on when someone huge leaves your life, When my Dad died i had so many people tell me that you will feel better as time passes and yet 14 years later i still havnt moved on, i mean its not the same situation but nobody expects you to move on or find closure, Give her time to realize she has lost a brilliant mother who cares and loves her very much.

Answer 7

you might want to talk to your ex husband and find out what going on??? So, I believe that because I shut out my mother and sister out of my life big time... I have nothing to do with them for what they had done to me and not support me and all they see me as my dad not as their own son. And yes mom don't get to see my daughter and my son.. and 3rd due in march 2007;... and what I am trying to say... is that you need to look back and find out why? because something you are not awared what going on and you might think she happy child since until 2005 find out more from your ex husband.. and if he won't tell you then He might told her something to do make not want to talk to you.. I could be wrong but think really hard and If you found the answer then write her letter believe me she will be so shocked that you have finally notice and she would want tot talk to you abou tthat plm.

I make sure my children don't go though with it. smiling. wish you luck ... by the way i never talk to my mom for 15 years... it been so peacefully for me and my own family.

Answer 8

Im sorry that you have to go through this but kids make you sorry you ever had any..I divorced my husband because I heard him trying to have sex with my grown daughter,and i guess it was no big thing to her,she also told me about how her dad was acting toward her..anyway after I left him all my kids turned against me like I did something....I have 5 children all togeather...My Boys are fine,but 2 of my children are girls,they havent told me anything like your daughter told you,but they never call,I could be dead and they would never know,it I see them they say hi,but as far as any interest in me,they don,t have any..One daughter has 3 children and I don,t see them,I feel like I have horrible girls..It makes me wish I would have never had any kids..This one daughter of mine,the one that her daddy was after,they talk everyday...Her dad and her keep in touch....I grieved about it for about 2 years and then I just got hardened to it...I t gets to the point you get past it and accept it..They get mad over nothing...I have a friend too that her daughter did not talk to her for a solid year and she didnt know why either,she is talking to her now but she talks to her like a dog,no respect...Just go on with your life,and it hurts but it does no good to try to help things out and go to them,they don,t change...So I can just tell you what we have been through and what you can do...Im sorry but there is a lot of mothers out there just like us..You could not have done anything to cause this...My ex husband talked about me like a dog cause he was mad cause i left him..Children or the pitts thats all I can say.

Answer 9

All you can do is pray for her and put her in Gods hands. My middle daughter hasn't allowed me any contact with her or her son for almost a year -even returned the Christmas cards I sent them. It is painful, but your attempts to make contact will only make her more stubborn. It takes time and you need to trust that God can deal with the situation better than you can.

Answer 10

Check with your daughters in-laws to see if they have any idea what has caused this. If that doesn't work send her a letter saying that you would like an opportunity to make up for what you did if you knew what it was. If that fails; leave her alone. She will come around when and if she wants to and nagging her will not make it happen earlier.