How do you deal with an overly judgemental family?

Question

My family is the most judgemental bunch I've ever met,and half of the time Im the target. Ive pointed this out several times but it doesnt help at all..so how would you deal with this when confrontation doesnt work? I know I should "just ignore it" which is easy when its strangers but when its your own family its a bit more difficult. Here are some examples of what Im talking about.

- When I was 17 I decided to become a vegetarian. at 19 I changed my mind but only started eating chicken and fish again. Im 24 now and to this day at EVERY family function someone brings up the fact that I dont eat a lot of meat and they call me some freak animal lover. My sister will offer me something with beef and I'll simply say no thanks and she gets all pissy and says oh i forgot, you're weird.
-Im into piercings and tattoos and theyre not, so they always make fun of my body modifcation choices and tell me how ugly they are all the time.

-theyre all conservative christians and are very against gays. Im a christian but I have nothing against gay people so I get ridiculed for this all the time.
-My sister and brother and law love to point out the fact that I dont have a double D chest every time they see me. The list goes on. basically anyone in my family who is a little different or has slightly different beliefs, gets crucified. Im clearly the black sheep so I get targeted the most.

Answer 1

ok this is going to be weird for you. i am married to someone like this. Being a christian i definitely agree with most all of the views she holds and i understand where your family is coming from. however, i don't agree with the way they convey those beliefes- as you say, crucifying others. The thing that happens is, those people see only a black & white world and anyone who opposes that view is off the mark. If they do not react harshly to the ones that disagree with them, they think THEY are compromising their own convictions. So what I'm saying is, it probably won't change. They do not know how to love without compromising the truth, and it's possible you know how to love but you may be compromising the truth. Jesus knew how to combine the two.
And i wanted to let you know they don't accurately represent the God that has a plan for your life. You will get through this, and your identity won't be shaped by their insults in the future.
You'll need some space/time away at first. Later when you decide to "get back in the arena" you should stop them in the middle of their rudeness and pinpoint the issue by identifying the truth of the matter. What I mean is, if you get a backhanded comment from one of them during a normal conversation, you stop and express your feelings that it was uncalled for. Then ask, What would cause you to say (or do) such a thing? You may not want to reply when they answer, unless it's with another question such as, "Is this consistent with your true feelings about me" or "How is that in line with your beliefs?" Then after that write it all down so that after a period of time, a month, or 6 months, depending on the frequency of confrontations, announce that you would like a meeting with the family, and read back to all of them everything you have documented. Do not let them interupt you. Make sure you wrote down things exactly so they can't say you misinterpreted it. When you are done, ask "Now if you had heard this story about another family what would you expect he person who was insulted to do?" Note* you are not asking what she should do, because they might try to say you are to blame.
But i think at least one member will begin to see the light. If they show no mercy, tell them you are not willing to live under these circumstances and then find this book at a library or bookstore- Learning To Say No: Establishing Healthy Boundaries
by Carla Wills-Brandon

Answer 2

You might try a different approach in dealing with your family. Maybe they are enjoying the fact that they seem to get your goat, so don't let them. Try humor -- it's a great antidote to even the most caustic, corrosive people.

Sis acts petulant when you decline her bloody slab of meat? Laugh and say next time I'll bring my own extra-firm tofu. Mocking you for your "ugly" piercings and tattoos, laugh and say next tattoo is going to be Pat Robertson (or whoever their favorite Christian hero is).

Just keep laughing and smiling -- they'll eventually give up the game because it won't be fun for them anymore. Remember that we don't get to pick our families (unfortunately, sometimes, right?) but they are the only family we have so we have to make the best of it for the most part. Good luck, and God bless!

Answer 3

I know what you are going through. I am 50 now and still get that. I have tattooes, no piercings, but I love Harley's. I have done everything that they think is appropriate, like having a house built and all the traditional things. My father is really prejiduced and I adopted my grandsons who are biracial. So now I have really gone over the edge. He told me last year that I am not allowed to talk to my half-sisters anymore. He even said that I never cared about them and to leave them alone. Of course, I had a comeback for that. But to me the main thing is that I live to be happy. So you don't have family. Think and appreciate the friends you have and make them your family. I know that I have. And it really helps to get through the tough times that your family would like to put you through. I don't ever go around my family anymore and am a whole lot happier now.

Answer 4

Welcome to the "Black Sheep Club", it's unfortunate that families act this way. It's all to common. If we take these things to heart and dwell on them they can really be emotionally damaging over the longterm.
Best advice is to just do your best to ignor the comments, or not attend family gatherings. Of course it's hard just writing off family like that. I tried it and it hurts and so i attend the gatherings and listen to their negative comments.

All we can do as "Black Sheep" is to live our lives the best we can, and do all that we can to do good things in life. Be the best we can be.

We can't control what comes out of the mouths of judgemental and insensitive people. I've always thought the reason people are like this is simply they have so many faults and they know they do they have to build themselves up by ridiculing others.

Answer 5

Since you are an adult, you can choose the people who you would like to be around including family members. I know that you love your family and they love you. Some people just don't know how to handle change, so they tend to look down on others that they see as different in order to make themselves feel better. It is a very sad state of affairs. Maybe back away from these people and communicate on the phone until things kind of die down.

Answer 6

Thank you for asking this question! I see the same darn thing you just described! I am the target of judgement from my overly judgemental strict christian sister and she is always making fun of her brother in law who is a strict vegetarian! I get told how to think religiously, what i should or should not watch, what i should or not allowed to believe, and now i am being told how i can or cannot word my conversations to her and i am sick of it! Tell them all to stuff it and if they were real christians they would keep their opinions to themselves! I am a gnostic christian and i think its funny how traditional christians are so much meaner then the rest of the crowd.

Answer 7

I know what you are going through, my family are very conservative christians too. It's hard when you are just trying to be you and no one understands that your not trying to be different or weird or cause problems, you are just trying to be true to yourself. I know it hurts and I know it is very difficult to try and make them understand, but if you've tried and tried and all you get is a whole bunch of nothing. Its time to start to surround yourself with people who will accept you as you are. I don't mean cut all ties with your family, but just explain to them (once) that you don't expect them to understand but you do expect them to love and respect you. When your not there for them to pick on any more they will start to realize what fools they have been.

Good luck!

Answer 8

Be glad that you are different from them
People who are judgmental are very insecure and unhappy
Also they have difficulty adapting to new situations which means
they will never move up in life.
Hang in there and watch how their lives never change and yours will be rich in experiences and excitement.

Answer 9

There is nothing you can do to change them. You accept them and do what you need to do for your life.

It is your life now and it is up to you to make it what you want it to be.

There is no reason for you to have to subject yourself to ridicule of any kind if you not want to.

I live the same with my family. Makes you wonder "why" doesn't it? But you can not change them.

Answer 10

IF..
They are toxic and harm you remove yourself from them!

It is that easy.
Surrond yourself with people who respect and valadate you!
Family could also be the nice group of friends you pick you know.
When your not around anymore they will frind a new target!