My daughter has an internet "friend"?

Question

I'm not convinced that this 18 year old is genuine. She's almost 15. I've spoken to her, given her sensible guidelines. And she's always stuck to them. It's been going for for about two years now. I've got a mobile phone number. How do I track this guy down and see for myself that he's not a paedophile?
She's getting frustrated with my concern and is starting to cover up.

Did try banning her from the computer - but he phoned her on her mobile. My daughter has many friends - she does socialise.
He has tried to meet up with her and she said no, only at my house with my mum and dad. He didn't turn up.

No, she hasn't set him photographs. She really is a sensible kid - but she's not match for a paedophile.

I don't want to talk to him myself - I can't see much, anyway - in case I upset her and she goes off with him!

M&M - I thought of that. But I couldn't do it - I'd never be convincing. And what if he isn't a paedophile - my daughter would never forgive me!

I've done all the sensible things - like let's meet at the mall. There's always an excuse - always plausible.
If I forbid her friendship - she's not dating the guy - I do not know if she will go behind my back. I don't want to take that chance - better the devil you know.

Colleen - you obviously don't know much about teenagers.

Answer 1

My mom did something like that, she hired a private investigator, he basically lied though, he told us that he was a bad guy and he lived in a crack house and after that he wanted information on his siblings... who were just 7 years old and 11. His parents were just going through a divorce, so I refused to give them any info on the kids. He was a real close friend, I stayed friends with him and ended up meeting him a couple years later... thats how i found out the investigator lied, he was everything he said he was.

I figured out that the investigator had to have been some kind of self-righteous prick who wanted the feeling of "saving a child from a bad guy" but when he found out the guy was genuine he just made up stuff to make it look like he was somewhat of a hero, either that or he was racist... or it could have been he talked to someone who didn't like the neighborhood my friend lived in. I later on visited the neighborhood.. it wasn't the best, but it was far from a crack house.

My relationship with my mother suffered after she did that, because she did it behind my back. I don't really trust her fully now even though she felt she had to do it to protect me, if you are going to do it (hire a private investigator) think carefully about it. Don't do it behind your child's back. If I were you I would explain to your kid that you want to make sure everything is ok with this guy, and if it is, you can continue to be friends with him and talk whenever you want. But its important to tell your kid not to tell her friend whats going on.. because it can bother the investigation..

Its a really hard thing to do, just have a heart-to-heart with your child about it. It really doesn't seem like this guy would be a pedophile, he's stuck around way too long. Most pedophiles meet young girls on chatrooms, chat for a bit, offer to meet or send pictures, and if that child refuses or gives them a hard time, they just move on to another kid.

Don't go crazy and take away ur kids computer just yet... try things like talking to him on the phone, asking him things about where he lives, what he does, where he went to school at.. etc. If something doesn't seem right after you talk to him, consider taking his number to the police and have a background check done on him.

Just don't make the mistake of going overboard so suddenly.

Answer 2

Have her meet him in a cafe or a coffee shop. You can be sitting in there also. Then you can get a good idea what you think. She is safe as long as she doesnt leave with him especially since you are there. If some one not 18 shows up you can call the police(even if they dont arrest him they will keep your daughter safe). Also you can try zabasearch.com this will give you addresses etc if you have a full name if multiple addresses then you know he has to be more than 18. If all you have is a mobile phone its really hard to find out much of anything.

Answer 3

You say that your daughter is a sensible kid so treat her like a sensible person, give her some trust, give her her own space and autonomy, but at the same time, remind her that she is still 15 and she still needs your approval.

You want to allow her to make her own choices and her own decisions, but in this case, because of all of the horror stories you've heard, you need some reassurance before you let her associate with this person. If they want to go out, require that the kid meet you first and require that the outing be escorted by some of your daughter's friends. If he really wants to meet her and be her friend, he'll go through the trouble of meeting you. If he doesn't, then he's probably some kind of creep, even if he is really 18.

In the case that the guy turns out to be some perv and she never meets him, at least you stopped her from seeing this person in real life, and she can beat herself up later for having wasted her time talking to them on the internet, you probably won't even have to do it for her.

Like previous posters said (and like you're finding out) you will alienate your daughter if you do sneaky stuff behind her back or micromanage her.

Answer 4

If it is really concerning, you can ask your local police for help. They can track him down quickly by his internest service provider number and find out if he is an adult or not.

Internet providers are very willing to provide this info to the police to keep children safe, and it can probably be done quickly.

Also, you can try taking the mobile number to your local telephone provider and discuss your situation. Say you don't want to know where he lives, last name, etc, just if it is registered under "john" (or whatever) and how old he is.

I would definately be concerned if he wouldn't show up to meet her with you two around.

You can also try getting him to meet her at the mall in a food court and wait a few tables down or something. Make it so she looks like she is alone. When he shows up, regardless of age, pop over and make sure you get to know a bit about him before your daughter runs off to go around the mall with him.

Answer 5

What can I say?!
I can certainly empathise with you having been thru' the same dillema with our own two daughters. You can't sneak around spying on him, because it will definately hit the fan, WHEN, not if, she finds out about it and then things will really turn to crap - big time. Have a BBQ or a lunch and suggest nicely that she invite him and some other friends. Then you can eyeball him without being too obvious. If that doesn't work, all I can suggest is that you continue with the guidelines, keep your eyes open, fingers crossed and hope for the best. Maybe you're having a cow over nothing, she sounds like she'll be OK.

Good luck!

Answer 6

http://people.yahoo.com/ At this website down on the bottom you can put the phone number in to it and it should give you an address and a name. If it doesn't then you can go to the police. They will help you because of your daughter's age and the problems of pediphile's on the net.

The police department will take the number and look in to it for you. I wouldn't believe what this eighteen year old boy says, I bet he's not that age I bet he is like 48 years old and a pediphile. Until further notice I would take care of her by taking her computer away from her. Explain that you are doing this to be cautious. Because for all you know he is already trying to get her to meet him or they have already met.

Ask her questions about where he lives, where did he go to high school at and so on. She is just fifteen.

Answer 7

Ask him to meet you for lunch. If he's genuine and cares for your daughter he'll meet with you.

Though honestly he's stuck around for two years if he was really a pedophile he wouldn't have stuck around this long. Has he been really pressuring your daughter to meet with him? If not the odds are he's not one. Most won't stick around like this they'll move on to someone they could easily get to.

But honestly you say almost 15 which makes her 14. Even if he's not a pedophile 4 years difference at her age is a big deal.

Answer 8

Since you have his mobile phone number call him and see what his deal is. At the very least he'll know you're watching and if he is a pedophile that might scare him off. Also, if he's legitimate then your daughter shouldn't have anything to hide. Ask if you can "chat" with him sometime. Good luck. I'd share your concern.

Answer 9

its been going on for 2 years? Average Paedophile's won't wait that long. If they think it isn't going to gratify them in a short period of time, then they won't waste their time, they'd move on to someone that gives them information or meets with them. She doesn't send him pictures of her does she? As long as she keeps all the personal info confidential and does not send pics or agree to meet, then i think she should be fine. If you are still wary, you could take the number to a police station and have them track it and see who the phone number is registered to.

Answer 10

Why is a 15 year old allowed to be in the internet unsupervised? Guidelines or no guidelines she is STILL a minor and needs to be supervised. Obviously she hasn't been following ALL of the guidelines. Also what is she doing with a "mobil" phone? What does she need one for? And why is she giving it's number to "just anyone?"