How do I get my 4 yr old son to understand that he can't hurt my 1 year old son?

Question

My four year old son plays with his one year old brother, but also head butts him, trips him, jumps on him, etc. How do I get him to realize that it is not acceptable. I've tried time outs, talking to him, one on one. Nothing seems to work.

Answer 1

I'm not convinced that spanking helps in this type of situation. But then again, it really depends upon how your child reacts to it. Some children think that the spanking shows that it's okay to hit, others get the message.

Stick with it -- my 4 year old still doesn't quite grasp that he can't play with his younger sister the same way he does with his older one. I know he *does* understand it mentally, but when he's in the heat of play, his brain just seems to vanish. :)

Keep them separated unless they're 100% supervised.

Try to engage them in games with one another that doesn't involve (as much) physical contact.

I hope he starts to understand soon. I know how frustrating it can be. Good luck!

Answer 2

Right now your son is receiving out patient treatment. Have any of the psychiatrists suggested in-patient treatment? I know he's only 6 but it might be necessary to 'jump start' the treatment if you know what I mean. Has he been labeled as 06 (emotionally disturbed)? He might need a level 5 program or even a level 6 program at school. If he continues to hit the kids and teachers, he will be put in a level 5 program but he needs the label first. Find out which schools in your district have a level 5 program.Level 6 programs are located in private facilities. Abilify is a strange choice of medication for him. That is usually used for teenagers. Children don't respond well to Abilify as it can heightens their aggressive side. I will get a lot of thumb downs for this but here it goes: Perhaps you need to focus less on school and more on his psychological well being. Remove him from school and focus on daily psychiatric treatment or send him to an in-house psychiatric facility. Talk to his psychiatrists about this. The school counselors are not allowed to make these suggestions even if they think it's best. Being held back by one year isn't the end of the world so please consider this. If his behavior does not improve, you will be forced to make some hard and painful decisions. I'm sure you already realize this. Obviously you can not allow your son to terrorize and threaten the emotional and physical well being of his siblings. He will have to be removed from the house and placed in a group home, permanent hospital or foster care. What is your husband's role in all of this?

Answer 3

Next time it happens, hold your 1-year-old and say to the 4-year-old, "See how he's crying? That hurt him! Hurting your brother is NOT okay," in a firm voice. Then turn your back to the 4-year-old and concentrate on the 1-year-old (without overdoing it so he cries more, of course). Some of the older boy's behavior could be completely accidental; some could be attention-seeking, negative attention included. As much as possible, try not to give him attention for negative behavior. Redirection commands should be short sentences. Keep doing it--it sometimes takes a while to sink in, but it will work.

Also, work really hard on prevention. See if there is a pattern to when he hurts his brother (i.e. when it's time to eat, when your back is turned, when the baby takes a toy...) and try to break the cycle before it starts again.

Be sure that their are activities for the 4-year-old that his brother doesn't participate in. Schedule in some positive attention time for the 4-year-old, without his brother if possible. He's probably very jealous, even though he won't be able to recognize it.

When they are playing together, when the 1-year-old takes a toy or whatever makes his brother mad, try to turn it around. Say something like, "Oh, no, the baby toy monster took your toy! We need to distract him and get it back!" And encourage positive ways to retrieve the toy, such as a quick switch with another toy.

When he's having a rough day playing with his brother, separate them if you can. Say, "You're having trouble playing this way, so you need to do something else now." If they were, for instance, playing with blocks, put the blocks away for an hour or so. Stay consistent.

I don't know if it's possible for you, but if the 4-year-old isn't already in a high-quality childcare, see if you can find a part-time program in your area. His social skills, especially learning that it's not okay to hurt other people, will improve in a high quality (look for NAEYC--National Association for the Education of Young Children--accreditation) program, plus he'll be better prepared for kindergarten.

Good luck!

Answer 4

There is too much of an age difference right now for your baby to be playing with a four-year-old, especially since it seems your four-year-old is more aggressive than some are.

Keep the baby with you, let the four-year-old play by himself, and in another two years when the baby is three and your son is seven your son may be old enough to have calmed down, and the little one will be old enough to tell you if his brother does things to him. (He'll also be past the stage in life when brain development is on high-speed and when experiences can make a difference when it comes to how his brain responds to stress - www.zerotothree.org). The link is to a site that has a good article/chapter on now a baby's feeling safe and secure and not threatened or hurt in the first three years of life can make a difference in brain development and even how efficient his immune system will be through his whole life.

Since your son is apparently not mature enough to realize how young the baby is, it probably isn't reasonable (or even fair) to expect him to understand right now. I think if you just quietly (and without announcing anything) find ways to keep the baby with you or by himself and let your older child just play by himself (just for now, while he does what he does - not forever) the baby's view of the world will remain postive, he won't be physically hurt, and your older boy may find activities to do that will be more constructive toward his learning as well (rather than "wild man" play, which doesn't do much for the child who will soon be in kindergarten).

Answer 5

For right now, separate them until the 4 year old shows signs of acting appropriately with the 1-year old. Gradually you can add in supervised play, but don't just leave him around the 1-year old because he's still just a 4 year old--he's not going to understand what you say fully--and apparently an aggressive one.

Answer 6

It seems just words are not working for your 4 year old. So you have to take some stern action. At the same time try to explore his mind..may be he is feeling that he was side lined after the arrival of his brother.

Answer 7

I know the dilema! (my boys are 2 & 6 months) Given his age, he would obviously be able to understand.

He could be doing this out of jealousy or thinking that it's funny! If it's for jealousy, you'll have to be giving him some 1 on 1 time so he feels valued. However, if he's doing this for "kicks", then you'll have to either tell him that he can't play with him anymore unless your watching, or payback. Ask him how he'd like it if you did that to him. Would it hurt? Do you think it would be funny if I did that to you?

You might even ask him why he's doing this. Don't you like your little brother?
If none of it works, then you will probably have to give him payback. You did it to him, I'll do it to you!

Answer 8

Keep them separated for playtime when you can't be watching constantly and make sure your oldest knows why.
When you can, get down on the floor with the boys and teach your oldest better ways to play with your youngest.
Boys will be boys and roughhousing is part of how they play. He needs to learn not to do this with children who are smaller than he is and alot of kids, particularly boys,go through this sort of behaviour at his age. It is a phase, like many you will have to deal with it will pass in time. You need alot of patience and perserverance. Whatever you decide to do about it, stick with it. Consistancy is very very important.

Answer 9

Spanking. The head will realize a pain on the rear whenever he thinks about it next.