my friend is cutting herself.?

Question

today i noticed four cuts on her wrist that looked like they had healed, scarred over, and then were re-cut. she usually wears long sleeves so i dont see her arms much and she is having trouble with her boyfriend of 2 years. she runs out of school crying almost every day because of him and it is entirely possible that she cuts to relieve the stress. she told another friend that she cuts but changes the subject whenever anyone else asks her about it. i havnt said anything to her about it yet so i just need some advice. my friends and i are worried about her and we are at a complete loss at what to do. any advice is greatly appreciated. TELLING AN ADULT IS NOT AN OPTION!

she hasnt admitted to cutting exept to the one friend and she doesnt know i have seen them. i kinda need t oknow how to talk to her. she trusts me and wee recently became very close ..but i have only known her for about a year.

Answer 1

My advice is to approach her about it in the most gentle and non-judgmental way possible. You should try to be calm and reassuring, and not 'freaking out'. I used to have a problem with self-injury (cutting) and I know that the more someone is upset when confronting you, the more you will withdraw and deny to them that you have a problem. You don't have to pretend that you don't think it's a big deal, but at the beginning try to be as calm and relaxed as you can so that she will feel comfortable and not threatened, and hopefully be willing to open up to you.

When you're talking to her, try to relate somehow, so that she doesn't feel like a psychological specimen, in the spotlight. If you can think of something in your life that you have struggled with you should bring it up and tell her that you know what it's like (although maybe not as intensely as she does) to feel so much pain and helplessness. Reassure her how much she means to you and her other friends/family, and that you love her and don't want to see her hurting herself. Suggest gently that she should maybe see a counselor or doctor to help her through this, and that there are specific psychological disorders that compel people to injure themselves. Borderline Personality Disorder is the main one, and involves mood instability, fear of abandonment, an 'I love you/I hate you' fluctuation of feelings toward boyfriends, and some other important symptoms http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm . If she is suffering from a personality disorder, there are treatments available that will help her to overcome and manage her issues.

If she is hesitant to get help for the sake of herself, plead with her to get help for the sake of you and her other friends/family who love her and don't want to lose her. This was my main incentive to stop cutting... because I knew how much my boyfriend and mom were terrified for me and mortified that I would be harming myself like that. It was also the thought of their love for me, and how precious I am through their eyes, that made me feel a little more reverence and respect for my own flesh. This is a really hard problem to deal with because it's such a sensitive and secretive problem. If she is cutting her wrists, she's really endangering her life, not just creating superficial wounds, so it's really important that she gets help. If she won't talk to you, ask someone else who's close to her to try the same approach. Are her parents decent people? If they are, you should consider talking to them if she won't confide in her friends. I know this will feel like a violation of her privacy, but it's better for her in the long-run if she ends up getting help from them.

This was probably too long-winded, but I know what it's like to be caught in the extreme pain and secrecy of self-injury and Borderline symptoms, and I know that my mom and boyfriend were instrumental in my recovery.

If you want to talk more or have any other questions, please email me at [e-mail]

Answer 2

okay hun, obviously your friend needs help. i really think that you should ask her what the cuts on her wrist are from. and if she tries to lie tell her that you don't buy it. and if she tries to change the subject don't let her. trust me, i have a friend just like this and she tries to change the subject but i wont let her. when she starts talking about something else tell her that you asked her a question and don't let her get out of it. and you say that telling an adult is not an option. well right now you probably shouldn't, but if it gets really bad then you should because it is dangerous. don't necessarily tell her parents. maybe the school counselor because they don't usually have to tell the parents. but i think that you should really let her know that you think something is going on and that you're there for her, no matter what. right now she needs someone that wont get mad at her and that will have patients with her. let her know that there's better things she can do besides cutting, she can call a friend or put on ice cube on her hand(a technique that works and doesn't harm yourself). but make sure that you don't get mad at her for it, that will make her feel worse. it will probably take her a little while to be able to stop completely but don't give up on her, I'm sure she can do it.

Answer 3

My friend went through the same thing - cutting herself. The fact that she is no longer wearing long sleeves to cover the scars up and is 'displaying' them for all to see, means that she is asking for your help. By showing the scars, she is trying to be heard; the scars are in a way doing the talking for her, because whatever is making her cut herself is to painful for her to talk about. Let her know that you know what she is doing (but don't come off sounding accusing). Tell her staight (don't ask her) - "I know you're cutting yourself, and I'm really worried about you because you're a really good friend of mine and I can't stand to see you hurting yourself." She may initially be upset, but later she will recognize you only mentioned it because you cared about her and then she will most likely be encouraged to talk to you about why she is so upset. On the other hand, she may be so relieved that someone aknowledged her scars. Be gentle with her, she is going through a hard time. My friend had bulimia and cut herself as well for a year, also over a boyfriend she was relying on too much. It is two years later now and she a beautiful, healthy, lively girl who has moved on from all that.

Answer 4

You should talk with your friend. I know this is a very touchy subject, but since you know, you are half responsible now. Give her a shoulder to cry on. Let her take out her rage and feelings out by talking with you. She feels like she has no one to talk to right now. Be her someone to talk to.

Let her know that you know she is cutting herself! Do not give her the source in which you found out, or she will think people are talking about her, and the discussion might go another way. Let her know you suspect she is cutting herself, and that you saw her scars. Tell her that she can talk to you any time she wants to cut! If you have to, check her for new scars! Do everything possible to help you friend. I commend you for asking this question.

Tell her she is beautiful and there are other ways to relieve the stress. Let her know that she can work out, write in a diary, paint, take pictures, or read a book to relieve the hurt from her relationship with her boyfriend or everyday life. Also let her know that this might not be the best relationship for her if she is constantly crying over this guy!

Answer 5

You may want to share these articles with your friends, especially the one who is cutting. It is very good advice.

Relief From Stress! :
- Assaulted by Stress
- Its Causes and Effects
- You Can Cope with Stress!
- How to Reduce Stresshttp://watchtower.org/library/g/2005/2/8/article_01.htm

You Can Manage Stress! :
- "The Silent Killer"
- The "Slow Poison"
- Good vs Bad Stress
- It Can Be Managed!
- PTSD--A Normal Reaction to an Abnormal Experience
http://watchtower.org/library/g/1998/3/22/article_01.htm

Good Friends--Bad Friends
- The Need for High Moral Values
- Sizing Up Potential Friends
- The Most Important Things to Have in Common
- Benefiting From Differences in Age
- Improving Your Friendships
- You Can Have True Friends
http://watchtower.org/e/20041208/article_03.htm

How to Find Real Happiness
- Think of Your Spiritual Needs
- Keep Your Life Simple
> Happiness and Self-Worth
- Hope--Vital to Happiness
http://www.watchtower.org/library/w/2001/3/1/article_02.htm

Why Do I Hurt Myself?
(A series of articles.)
http://www.watchtower.org/e/200601a/article_01.htm

How Can I Stop Hurting Myself?
- The Value of Confiding
- The Importance of Prayer
> Helping A Self-Injuror
- When Additional Assistance Is Needed
- Two Things to Think About
http://watchtower.org/e/200602a/article_01.htm

(You are welcome to print out the above articles,
if you include their source & copyright info.)

Answer 6

Well, you say that telling an adult is not an option. But really, your ONLY option is to go to SOMEONE you trust. Maybe your parents, your friends parents, the school guidance counselor, ANYONE. That is your ONLY option. If your friend is doing this to herself, someone needs to help her! I personally used to cut, and I have had many of my friends come to me for advice about it. Really, the only thing to do is to tell someone who can DO something about it.

I guess there is one other option, though this is not the best. It is VERY good, though. You need to take your friend to a private place. You may do this alone, or with other friends as well. MAKE SURE that your friend who you are trying to help will be at least somewhat comfortable around the others that you bring(although it's best done if you talk alone). You need to have a DEEP conversation. You don't have to come right out and ask why she's cutting, or if she is. Talk to her, find out what is happening in her life, if she's depressed, if she's having trouble at home, school, whatever! You then need to talk to her, and listen. Try to coax her into talking to you! Make her feel comfortable! And then maybe, JUST maybe, you might be able to help her that way!

But really, the best thing to do for your friend is to go to a trusted adult! When I went through that, I was upset that my friends went to the counselor, but in the end, I'm unbelievably grateful to them, and your friend will be grateful, too!

Answer 7

i have a friend like that,, i saw it.. she didn't tell me.. i sort of joked about the scars.. that if she wants to die let me! i asked her if she's having a problem or something.. and told her that if she needs someone to talk to.. and having someone listening will give her relief.. and that i'm there for her no matter what.. her prob was she's so down.. self-esteem is down.. depression.. so many things happening in her life and can't seem to have a way to let it out.. and do something about it.. tsk.. and i told her every aspect she's good at.. and that life is so much more.. and she told me her probs.. and i suggested stuffs she could do.. and i joke every now and then to make her smile..=) ( just wanna share) and here i've researched somthing for you.. Self-cutting is generally used as a means for coping with emotional distress. Very often people who self-cut get an urge to cut from a particular trigger or stressful event that feels too difficult to cope with. Some teens who engage in self-cutting are feeling depressed, and frequently experience feelings of shame and low self-esteem. Others are prone to more impulsive behaviors, such as drug use. And some are looking to take control of their bodies and be independent. The practice of self-cutting can also be connected to feelings of anger, while for others it may be a cry for help. Many teens who cut often feel unheard by the people in their lives who are closest to them. you can visit the site for more..

Answer 8

I understand that telling an adult is not an option, I had a friend who was bi-polar and she would cut, when her parents found out all they did was blame her and call her names...which only made it worse...I know some parents are not like that but you never know we didn't think hers would be! I talked to her about it, I never called her names or acused her of doing it for attention I just let her know that I was there for her whenever she needed me and that I would be a support system...I even posted signs over her phone saying "when it gets to hard call Lisha" She used it as a way of making her emotional pain go away through physical pain...be there and never make her feel bad

Answer 9

My best friend did in high school. It was bad for a while, but eventually she just grew out of it. It can be pretty serious though. If telling an adult is truly out of the question, i would try and convince her to go to counseling of some kind. Say it's for general depression. There is doctor patient confidentiality, so her parents won't find out.

Answer 10

Imediatly talk with her in person. tell her what you have noticed and ask her why. if she says i don't want to talk about it don't stop their. make the reason come out. let her know your their for her and would do about any thing to help her.
But PLEASE find an adult that has some sence that you trust. If you are a real friend telling an adult woud be best. if you dont she may end up comiting suicide. she hates herself enough to cut her self so to her whats the diffrence between pulling a trigger and slashing a knife? please tell an adult. i dont wana read in the news paper about and suicidel death.
and dont listin to tna she's wrong

Answer 11

This is a seriuos matters that you should have told an adult such as her parents . Cutting herself is the first step of suicide. You want to stop her befor things get wrost. You have to go to an adult and shared the story with who can help your friends. Because if you dont, things might be getting worst and you may be too late!