How do you politely tell your kids' friend to back off.?

Question

This kid really bugs me. Everytime I go to pick my kids (triplets) up from kindergarten, a classmate of theirs is always in my face saying he wants to come over or he wants my son to go to his house. He never accepts no for an answer, either from me or his mother. He has on several occassions called his mother names and hits her. He plays extremely rough, ie: pushing, hitting & wrestling my son to the ground and then punches him. HIs mother, who sees all this as well, never says anything. She also allows him to play "Halo" on his X-Box. To me, that is not a game for a 5 year old. I am really afraid one of my kids is going to get hurt by this little tyrant. There are only 12 kids in this class (3 of which are mine). I love the school and the teacher, but I am starting to wonder if I should switch schools. I really want this kid to find someone else to be "friends" with. My kids don't say much about his behaviour - I think they just like the attention. I really don't know.

Answer 1

I think I would have a private conversation with the kindergarten teacher. You don't have to be as detailed with her, just tell her that you're concerned about the child's behaviour when you pick your kids up, and you're worried about your own kids getting hurt. Does this behaviour happen all day? The teacher will be able to tell you what it's like when the parents aren't there, and can keep an eye on things once you've made her aware of your concerns. As for playing with him, you're the parent, and you can just keep saying no. Eventually he'll probably stop asking. You don't have to make excuses or tell him (or his mom) the reason why. We have a 'friend' who phones regularly to have my daughter come and play, and the answer is just simply always no, without a confrontation or discomfort between me and her mother.

Answer 2

This is a difficult situation to say the least. I don't know that I have the right answer here, all I can tell you is what I think I might do if it were me/my child... . If this were my daughter's friend the biggest concern to me would be the physical aggression toward my daughter. If the mother sees it and says nothing, I would have to tell te child in a firm voice to stop doing that. Tell that child that it is not acceptable behavior for him to kick/punch/hit my child. Tell him he needs to be gentle. If the mother doesn't like it, than you can at least be rest assured that you don't have to worry about them hanging out together anymore. My daughter has a friend who also has a little sister that for a while kept pulling my daughter's hair. Everytime my daughter would come and tell us (me and their mother) about it, their mother would say, "Oh my gosh, I can't believe they did that, they never do things like this". She said that every time and she would apologize and sometimes put them into time out, but they continued doing it. It did bother my daughter, so I finally told my daughter that if they did it again to use her words first. If that didn't work, I gave her permission to pull their hair back and to pull it hard so they knew how it felt. Fortunately, it never ended up happening again. As far as the other stuff, I would say to just get firm with him. Again, if the mother doesn't like it, that's a relationship that won't be any big loss. If you manage to maintain any kind of relationship with this family, over time, you can work your way into correcting that kid on how he treats his mother. Sometimes, parents just don't know how to parent and need other parents to set an example. Good Luck!

Answer 3

So many people have mental disabilities. I think we can't tell & this boy sounds harmless. If you feel confident in yourself then he shouldn't bother you. If your g/f needs you to be a certain way then she is not really empowering herself. You could just tell him you don't want to make him feel bad but she wants to be left alone. Again you might really hurt this guy & he might be crushed & not at all mean any harm. I would tell your g/f that you think he is probably got a problem & is harmless & see if she can see him as a kid who is just lonely. Try that & eventually he will go a different way. Maybe she can change her seat or do things to change the routine. Never hurt anyone cause you don't know what that does to innocent people & you sound like you have so much to be thankful for. Never put up with something that is abusive so decide if this is as bad as your think & can be resolved in a way where everyone wins.

Answer 4

After reading everyone Else's replies most of them have very good advise and I would certainly take them into consideration. I had confronted a mother once for what her child was doing to two of mine. Bully. The school could not do any more than what they were already trying to do.
Come to find out the father would not allow the mother to discipline the child. She was afraid of what he would do if the school ever contacted the father--so she continually intervened for the child. To make the long story short eventually child welfare had to step in and take the entire family away from him--her included.

Answer 5

i had this problem with my son (at about the same age). the boy wanted to play with my son but he was violent and teaching my son every bad thing possible.
1.don't back down. ask the teacher if you could arrange a meeting with the teacher, yourself, and the mother in question.
2. tell your kids not to be around or invite "playtime" with the child and lay it out simple. "no playing with_____because he shows very bad attitude and i dont want you getting into trouble like him."
3.if your kids do have some "rub off" effect be firm and consistent with punishment each time and if they "ignore it" reward them.
4. when informing the teacher state the problem, and that you have tried handling this issue but it is of such a concern that you may have to remove your kids.
5. you have every right to be concerned. this kid is starting a bad path.

also, the boy that did this negative teaching lacked a lot of parental attention and just wanted in the end to spend time with me because he didnt have that. he would ask for my son but used that line to spend time with a "mom."
(mom ended up being a junkie and he was forced to play video games and run around outside by himself)--hitting, etc... was the boys outlet for all the built up anger.

Answer 6

are you going to teach your children to run away from difficult situation
1- what have you done when you see this child hit your child
2 talk to the child by politel;y tell him that because your children have other activities afte school they are not allowed to have fun over
3- say it in front of the mother
4- or ignor the whole situation by not making small talk to mother as well as child
5- ask your children about their felling conserning this child behavior (you might be supprise because some children act like litle tyrant when their parent is around and an angel after they are gone

Answer 7

Well, I don't have much experience in this. You could possibly go to the teacher, if the mother doesn't seem to care much. The principal of the school might also be able to help. If you feel that this is too drastic, maybe looking the child in the eyes, and telling him that he needs to behave, and leave your children, or there will be severe consequences. I strongly advise you to try not to touch him, and try not to sound MEAN. The mother might get VERY upset, and you may have consequences for yourself! Best of look, though!

Answer 8

Dealing with the other mother won't get you anywhere. After all, how would you react if someone walked up to you and questioned your parenting style? You'd probably get defensive. We ALL would. We are protective of our children and, by proxy, protective of our selves.

If you're not willing to change day-cares, which is understandable if you're happy there, then you definately need to sit down with the teacher and explain your concerns about Timmy's behavior around your children.
It may make your life, or the teacher's, a bit more challenging, but AT THE VERY LEAST, you need to ensure that little Timmy (the beating brat) isn't around when you pick up your kids.

Either you need to stagger your pick-up times so that the other child has already left when you pick up your children, OR ensure that the teacher keeps little Timmy away from you when you're picking up your children.

You should avoid mentioning things like the Halo game because, unless he plays it while AT Daycare, thus exposing your children to it, its not the teacher's concern.

What you *should* mention is the hitting/pushing/wrestling, etc. This is pretty typical for kids his age that have agression issues (which he probably does since he bullies his mother, too, it seems.) BUT that doesn't mean that the teacher should let it happen. If the teacher cannot control Timmy's behavior, then she needs to ensure that your children are not exposed to Timmy. With only 12 kids that will be hard but at LEAST -- That means that they should never play unsupervised when she's not 100% able to intervene if Timmy acts up, etc. That also means that they should not be 'partnered or buddied' with Timmy during activities or play time.

Please let the teacher know that you are 100% open to having a sit-down conference between the teacher, yourself and Timmy's mom. It has to be non-confrontational and as adult and understanding as you can. I know these are your babies and your instincts say to protect them- but you won't get anywhere with this woman by being accusatory or insulting.

Frankly, if that day-care's insurance company knew about this kid, they'd drop that day-care's policy like it was on fire UNLESS the teacher was willing to ask that child to leave.

Give the teacher at least two attempts to make it right. Give her a chance to fix it. If by the beginning of March (For example) you don't see a change, then I would let her know that if she doens't remove Timmy from the daycare due to abuse of your children, you will remove all three of your children from her care.

At the end of the day, its the income she will get from 3 children vs. 1. And any good business person can see that's an easy decision.


To be fair to all parties, sit down with your children and have a good conversation with them. Make sure that they don't instigate they fighting, or ever call names. Make sure they don't ever hit or throw, etc. I know that we'd all like to think our kids wouldn't do that, but... its better to be SURE that you've talked to them about it!! And its a good conversation to have even if they aren't the guilty party!

Best of luck to ya!! Let us know how it turns out.

Answer 9

I think you need to talk to his mother and express your concerns. She is the reason the kid is acting out like he does and the lady needs to know she is molding an ugly adult. And when he hits your child..please pick up your child and turn to the bully child and say "These actions are the reasons I do not want my children to play with you". And then turn to the mother and say.."Your lack of discipline of your child's actions concern me". If you just stay silent you are no better than the mother who just sit and watch her kid act like a brat. And moving your kids to another school is silly. Do you run away from problems all the time?? Confront them.

Answer 10

I'd invite the little man over for a visit. For once he'd see that what he lives in isn't the only way to live.

Now, there's no way I'd put up with hitting, name calling, or unnecessary roughness in my home. Those are my rules and anyone that visits must abide by them. We use good manners and act nice around each other. And lots of hugs for everyone...but that's my parenting style.

Wonder if he sees something in you and your relationship with your kids that he wishes he had for himself?