do you like my lyrics?

Question

i wipe off the tears that run down this face shackin in my seat as they listen for a heart beat. i close my eyes and start to wonder why your leaving us like this. i was the bad one. i never listene. i left the messes and never bothered to help. let me tell you listenin to the doctor say that your not gonna make it made me think of all the things i never did for you, oh daddy you can make it through oh daddy please please try. i dont want to see mommy cry. daddy daddy please try.



im still writting it

Answer 1

Space out the lines in a normal poem format, like this...

I wipe off the tears that run down this face
Shaking in my seat as they listen for a heartbeat
I close my eyes and start to wonder
Why you're leaving us like this?
I was the bad one
I never listened
I left the messes and never bothered to help
Let me tell you
Listening to the doctor say
That you're not going to make it
Made me think of all the things
I never did for you
Oh daddy you can make it through
Oh daddy, please please try
I don't want to see mommy cry
Daddy, daddy please try

When you space it out like that, you get a better flow and real pacing to the poem. Otherwise, I loved it. You really expressed your feelings, the trauma you felt and the way your thoughts were racing. It makes the reader feel all of this right along with you. You have a great writing style and you should definitely keep your chin up and keep writing.

Let the sun shine through, best wishes...

Answer 2

yup absolutely. i can see this becoming a song sorta like carrie underwoods "jesus take the wheel". what i think is "i was the bad one. i never listene. i left the messes and never bothered to help. let me tell you" that for bridge and "listenin to the doctor say that your not gonna make it made me think of all the things i never did for you, oh daddy you can make it through oh daddy please please try. i dont want to see mommy cry. daddy daddy please try." that for chorus, its not too long yet so theres not too much to choose from LOL but if you have that it could work. what are you thinking of to put for the bridge and chorus (question mark).

Answer 3

I'll be honest: I don't like that crap. I bet you have large collection of Britney Spears record collection. Flush it all away and get a life. Try to find an artist outside of the TV. Read a book. Then try to write again. Think for yourself.

Answer 4

good good... but how about my song lyrics?

There's a silence here between us
I've never heard before
And I can't find the love
In her eyes anymore
There's some changes going on
I'm beginning to understand
When I'm holding her
I swear I feel the presence of another man

There's a stranger in my house
Somebody here that I can't see
Stranger in my house
Somebody here trying to take her away from me

She sits staring out the window
A million miles away
And when I ask if she's all right
She never has too much to say
Is it somebody we both know
Or somebody she just met
Is she loving him in her mind
While she's lying here in my bed

There's a stranger in my house
Somebody here that I can't see
Stranger in my house
Somebody here trying to take her away from me

Suspicions lead to questions
And questions to alibis
Is it just my imagination
Or has her love turned into lies

There's a stranger in my house
Somebody's here that I can't see
Stranger in my house
Somebody here trying to take her away
Stranger in my house
Somebody's here that I can't see
Stranger in my house
Somebody here trying to take her away
Stranger in my house
Somebody here trying to take her away from me

Answer 5

its kind of depressing, it would make a great country song!!!

Answer 6

form it like a poem. it will read better but its very good