What should I do if I am not in love?

Question

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and 4 months, but I am not in love with her.

I've been in love once, years ago, with my first serious girlfriend (we were in high school, but lived together for 6 months)

Since I've started dating my current girlfriend I never really felt in love with her. It's more like a friend, that I happen to have sex with (and yes, we are monogamous) I care for her like a friend, meaning I care about her life, and what happens for her, but I don't have an overwhelming feeling of love and oness with her.

I don't know if I should tell her how I feel, or if I should break up with her, or what.

How would I go about starting a conversation like that, or what do you think I should do?

Answer 1

Did you ever feel that excitement or has it just died down? It is normal to not have intense feelings like with a crush after the first few months or years... it's easily confused. If you feel that you don't love her.. then don't drag it on. See how she feels... maybe you are just over analyzing your relationship. Some people just get that itch.. the time to run itch. I have known a few people to screw up something really special, because they were worried because they had gotten comfortable in a relationship and went into self destruct mode! What have your other relationships been like? Have you felt this way before? Is this a pattern for you? If you are positive you don't love her, you owe it to yourself and her to nip this thing in the bud!

Answer 2

Something a friend told me a long time ago sticks out in this situation. No matter how bad the truth hurts, it hurts worse the longer it's kept from someone.

That being said, how to start THAT conversation...

I would just sit her down and do it as gently as possible. Explain to her that you didn't want to drag it on any longer and hurt her even more in the long run. As much as I'd love to tell you that she wouldn't begrudge you, she probably will. At least for a little while. Just play it straight. Tell her what you told us. You love her as a friend, but you just don't feel everything you feel when you are "in love" with someone and that you don't think it's fair to keep her from someone who could really feel that way towards her.

Assuming that the end result is her getting upset or mad, don't beat yourself up. Life is hard, things happen...sometimes they're unanswered prayers.

Once upon a time about 9 years ago, I prayed day after day that the guy I was dating was the one. He was my first love. We were only together about a year and a half. I was destroyed for a long time over it, but I was young, and it's harder when you're young. After awhile, I finally figured out that it WAS for the best. I never would have met my husband...and he is more than I had ever wanted. And...yet another happy result...a baby boy due in March.

Just take it as it comes and do what's in your heart, no matter how hard!

Good luck!!

Answer 3

I think you need to consider the fact that you are wasting her time. Opportunities to meet and fall in love with a man that will actually feel the kind of love for her that she deserves are passing her by and you should not let that happen if you care about her. I know how hard it is to break up with a long-term relationship. But it's better that you do. Do it now before something happens like she gets pregnant.

Answer 4

you need to break things off with her. better she know now that she's not the one for you then 10 years down the road wondering why you wont marry her. If you care about her like you say you do, give her the chance to have a guy love her the same way she loves him. She might be mad for a bit but in the long run she'll understand. You never know she could feel the same way you do.

Answer 5

Evaluate your life. See where she fits in. Chances are you were more lustful with your high school girlfriend. But talk to your current girlfriend now and see how she feels. Maybe it's best that you guys break up after all. Being friends with benefits might hurt your relationship even more. Think about it. What if she's already fallen in love with you? It'll only break her heart.

Answer 6

What you need to say to her is right in your statement. You do not seem unkind, you seem to genuinely care for her, you are just not in love with her.

Everyone deserves to be in love with the person they find themselves in a relationship with. From her point of view, she deserves to be in a relationship with someone who IS in love with her. On some level, I believe she knows you are not.

You two may actually have the possibility of remaining friends, but drop the "with benefits" part so that her heart is open to a man who will love her. If you keep having sex with her, then you are being selfish.

Answer 7

well. you honestly need to tell her how you feel...the truth hurts at times...but what happens in darkness comes to light....she probbly thinks that now that you've been together for so long and have even had sex, that you're maybe the one...next time, try telling her sooner, besides, don't you want to be with someone you love and want to spend your time with instead of a friend you have sex with?

Answer 8

tell her that you love her as a friend only, and that you didnt want to hurt her feelings but there isnt really any way you could tell her this without her getting her feelings hurt. Tell her you wished you felt differently, that you do care about her welfare, but that you no longer want to live a lie. Tell her you want to move on with your life, and that hopefully she won't feel bad, about your honesty

Answer 9

I don't think it is such a good idea to tell her you never loved her from the beginning. Just start by saying, you need to move on, your feelings for her died down, you can only see her as a friend.

Answer 10

What's this I'm reading about "go back to Africa you homo sapien"? What the Hell is that boy trying to insinuate by calling you a human, and telling you to go back to Africa? I wish I could strangle that honky!

Anyway, all couples go through this "I'm not in love with him/her" thing. This is why the divorce rate is so high these days. Marry your best friend, not the woman you lust for the most -- lust fades with time, but a good friendship ages like wine.