Step parent question?

Question

I have a step daughter who is fiercely loyal to her mother. No matter what I do with her, she’s always all over her mother like I’m nothing. When my kids come over, I like to spend time with them and my wife thinks that because I’m really happy to see them, I don’t like being around her and her daughter or my kids are more important. That’s not the case. I just only see my kids 2 days a week. She’s like really jealous and doesn’t remember the stuff I do with her daughter (like get to drive her to school everyday that I don’t get with my kids). Now she wants a kid of our own because I feel she’s very jealous of my kids. Plus I have to pay out a lot of money in child support and she feels her daughter gets the shaft (however she chose not to get any from her daughter’s father and she knew going in I was on the hook financially for my two kids). Seems like a typical blended family issue. Anybody else go through this? How’d you get over these issues?

Answer 1

It doesn't sound like a typical blended family issue. It sounds like your wife is jealous of your children and that you had a life before her, and she is being reminded of it when your kids are around, and is selfish and wants you to focus on her and your daughter and forget about your former life.

I would recommend sitting down and talking to her and informing her that your wife's daughter isn't exactly appreciative of your attention, which turns you off from giving her attention. People don't want to do things that they feel aren't appreciated. You need to put your foot down and let her know that while your children don't live with you, they are your children, and you are going to support them as you should. I would probably throw in there a remark about supporting them even if you were not obligated to do so, to reinforce the fact that they ARE your children and you LOVE your children. Tell your wife that you don't love her daughter any less than you love your own children, but it's proving difficult to form a relationship and bond with the daughter.

Stay firm. Be a good parent to your biological children. Be the best parent you can to your step daughter, but don't, for a second, ever give up your biological children for your wife and stepdaughter.

Another child is not going to help this issue. My advice is to put a raincoat over it during "the act". Don't trust any woman that has a pulse and has baby fever to reliably take birth control. Too many of my guy friends have been trapped into children this way. It's never a good way for a relationship to go.

Answer 2

yah!! I am the step mother I understand how she feels. My husband and I share a son together. It's very frustrating to have a step child even if we know what were getting into in the beginning. It is so different like we do get jealous and feel like were getting the shaft. Tell your wife she has it way better that most like my husbands ex is so trashy she lived 40 minutes away and now she lives in the same town and we have his daughter 4-5 days out of the week. I love her very much but she is a spoiled brat and does not listen. In my opinion if you allow her to be involved and like all of you go to dinner and then play twister or some fun silly game that would be good It seems like she wants to be right there but she might be feeling a little angry or frustrated when your kids get there, and that is very normal. There is really no way of getting over these step kid issues but to maybe have more family time with all the children plus hers and let her see for herself. let your children invite her child in there rooms to play or to watch movies. even simple things like the whole family make cupcakes and decorate. there is no way to just become a good step mom i know im not very good easier to give advise than to do it. especially if the children do not look at her like a parent (not your not my mom or my mom wouldn't do that). if you have any advise for me please help. Like as a fathers advice of his children. How would ypu want your wife to treat your kids? Like no spanking see that is hard for me because she is mouthy like her mother? I was raised not to talk back or mouth off or you will get a pop. PLease help me too.
P.S whatever you don't try to tell her well I take your daughter to school in the morning everyday. Just try to understand her better. Being a woman is like a roller coaster we have our ups and downs and for a marriage new or old have children from previous relationships. It is hard and frustrating. Even if you have to work a couple hours over or an extra day to have some extra money to take her daughter shopping or simply let her pick a couple of friends and go to see a movie. I would also let your wife know that child support does not last forever. When the children are 18 well in texas.... the father of the children do not have to pay child support to the ex. Comfort your wife when you notice she is getting jealous. Tell her you love her and cuddle with her. Make her comfortable and show her you do not show just your kids all the attention while they are there for those two days. I hope I gave some good advice GOODLUCK

Answer 3

Ok I held off answering this question. I am in a relationship - not married yet. I have 1 boy 10 and he has 2 kids, 1 boy who is almost 14 and a girl 15. The girl moved out 5 months ago and is living with her mom - well now her grandparents. She has issues this girl. The step son is good and my son is a bit of a brat. I do spoil him for I was raising him on my own most of his life. My man sees this and is trying hard to correct it. His 2 kids have noticed that I pay attention to him alot and only the girl has complained to her dad. Like I said she has issues. We work hard on how to raise the kids. That means lots of communication. I am 37 and my guy is almost 50 and we are having a baby together in July and are happy about it. Yes there will be ups and downs, but we will work on it day by day. If your wife really wants this relationship then she needs to sit down and have a long talk about the future with the kids and if she wants another child because it would bring the family closer not out of spite. I wish you good luck. You will do what is right if you love this woman.

Answer 4

Tell your wife to quit being jealous of your kids. What it is ok for you to spend time with your step daughter but not your own kids? That is selfish. You need to tell her that and if she doesn't listen maybe i think you guys should seek counseling. I am a step parent myself and i would never expect nor want the kids to be put last. What your wife is doing is wrong and she really needs to get over her jealousy otherwise your not going to have much of a relationship with your children and im sure that will only cause resentment towards your wife. My grandfather i don't even know what he looks like never met him and you know why? Because he married a woman who is the exact same way. Because of this woman he only sends b-day and xmas money for his kids never visits with none of us ever and we all live in the same town. Do you want this to happen to you? Think of your kids before your wife!

Answer 5

I am a stepmom to two boys and I have 3 children of my own. My husband and I have 4 of them all of the time. My oldest stepson just decided to move in with his mom because of behaviour issues. Your wife shouldn't be jealous of you spending time with your children but maybe you should make it a family thing more often instead of leaving your wife out. Include your stepdaughter too, even though you see her a lot. It doesn't seem that your stepdaughter is getting the shaft. I know how your wife feels about having another child with you. I want the same with my husband because that is how much I love him. Maybe you should each sit down and write down things you would like to do and compromise. Everyone can be included. I don't know how close your children live to you but you could have them come stay with you more often if they live close and there school is close to you. Good Luck!

Answer 6

I am a step parent of a little girl, and I have 2 daughters of my own. i don't think your wrong for wanting to spend some extra time with your kids. My boyfriend doesn't get to see his daughter very often because she lives in a different town, so when she comes he tends to attend to her more, but that's okay because he doesn't see her, and I try to make the other 2 understand that. So I think you need to talk to her about her jealousy and tell her to get over it... You have 2 of your own kids and have taken on the role also to her child, i'd say your a pretty great man! If she can't see that she's crazy.

Answer 7

Whatever you do don't let someone else control your relationship with your biological children. My Ex married when my daughter was only 6 mos. old. The new wife decided 6 years later that she no longer wanted him to see his daughter when they began to have children of their own. He had to choose. My daughter lost. She is now 19 and in college and has not seen her Dad in 13 years. To make matters worse the new wife decided a year ago that my Ex's family could no longer have a relationship with my daughter. My daughter lost again....no grandparents or uncle now. They had to choose. Your step-daughter is being selfish and your wife is starting to sound like my daughters step-mother.
If you fall into this trap you and your children will pay for the rest of your lives. Your current wife knew your situation when she married you and it's not fair to you, kids or your Ex.. Hang on to your balls because your wife is moving in for the kill and the ultimatums are going to start flying!!!

Answer 8

I don't feel having another child is going to help. You get credit from me for taking care of the kids you already have. About the step-daughter, try talking to her. Remember you are the man of the house, let her know she is just as important to you as your kids are (it does take time and patience) especially if her father is not in her life.Jealousy is a hard thing and sharing (mom) just keep making the effort for her and she will come around..It all takes time.

Answer 9

It is important to spend time with your children but you have to remember that you are a FAMILY as well. If you give them all of your attention those two days, they will grow up expecting it all of the time as they get older and you don't want that because then they will get spoiled. My b/f did that for a while, when his son was with us he excluded my son and me from the events. I told him that wasn't fair, that yes, he needed time with his son, BOTH of them had to remember that we were a unit now. It's hard, I know but you have to include everyone. If you don't then all of the kids will be hurt in the end, you want them all to get to know each other as they are family now. Sit down and have a family meeting. There is absolutely no reason why you can't include all of the kids in your activities.

Answer 10

I don't know that there's a way to really get over this problem. I think your wife should step back a bit. Spending time with your children is very important, and they need to feel loved and special to you when they see you. They are entitled to your love, time and attention. Your wife is being selfish and immature. She shouldn't be acting jealous. These are your children. Don't ever let her get in the way of your relationship with them. You can really hurt them badly if you do.