I need answers QUICK for a Intervention on an alcoholic boyfriend!!?

Question

I need answers quickly. Please don't tell me to leave. I am committed to helping him and his children. I need to know what kind of "demands" I need to put on him. We are having a family "Pow Wow" tonight. This IS the last straw. I'm not leaving yet, so please don't post that. Tonight is going to be an "Intervention". If it doesn't work, I'm gone. But, I'm giving it this one last shot.
He drinks whiskey, he gets verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, and for the 1st time Monday night physically abusive. He is a fantastic man when he doesn't drink. But Lord help us when he does! He always tries to kick me and the boys out...
He's the only one right everyone else is wrong. He's broken doors, knocked holes in the walls...
I need exact IN YOUR FACE answers (ultimatiums) whatever you want to call it...
Please...

Answer 1

The intervention is an awesome idea, but you need to make sure that everyone is on the same page about him and his problem. No half steppers, including you. Is this something just with the family or professional? Far as you ultimatiums, well, the only one that will/should be affective is "if he does not stop drinking and get some help, that you will leave". Thats the only thing, that i see would work. But you need to make sure that you are strong enough to following through with all this. I know a friend that you could call that works with people in receovery as well as themselves (20 years plus clean)...Our Common Welfare 404-284-6061 ask for Pat Brown..... Good Luck and stay strong!

PS. I commend you on trying to help him, alot of people would have just walked away........

Answer 2

I'm sorry you are in this situation. I've been there before only you are lucky because you have his family's help. That is great. If you are committed to helping him then I think that is wonderful. I think its important that you set boundaries and "punishments" when he does mess up. Let him know that this is the line and what happens when he crosses it. His family and you all need to agree on these boundaries and stick to them. It is hard but its the only way it will work. NO ENABLING!! All in all though, nothing will work until he is ready to get help. He has to want to do this for himself and no one else... Until he is ready to do this for himself you will be fighting a losing battle. I hope that all goes well tonight. AA meetings are also fantastic and easy to find in most communities. If you can get him to go that would be great because he will soon see that there is so much more to life and how much better it can be without the alcohol. Good luck!

Answer 3

Threaten the guy with taking away his kids. Dude if he is being abusive to his kids, that is not an environment you should have any child in. Whether he stops drinking or not, those kids should not be there no matter what age they are (if they are under 18 I mean).
A person will usually not change unless he himself wants to or something very precious is on the brink of being taken away from them and what is more precious (at least to most people) than their children. No one in this world can ever make anybody change unless the person wants to change or their backed against the wall and threatening to take away anyone's kids must be a good kicker.
If the guy decides not to change you better get those kids out of there or you are just as bad as he is for doing nothing for them.

Answer 4

You know, I just watched an episode of COPS last night where a late-middle-aged woman called the police on her husband because he was an alcoholic and he took her car keys in a drunken stupor. She was trying to go to the store to pick up her medicine and he wouldn't let her. When she persisted, he tried to grab the keys from her and in so doing so, scraped and cut up her arm in the process to the point of drawing blood. When the police arrived and questioned the man, he didn't have a clue what they were talking about because he was so drunk. He was shocked when they told him that he injured his wife and would have to go to jail for domestic battery. He truly seemed shocked that he could have done that to his wife because he had no recollection. He seemed like he could have been a nice guy when he wasn't drunk. Apparently this was a habit pattern for him because the wife said that she begged his friends not to bring him home in that state but they wouldn't listen and dropped him off anyway. She told the police she would be seeking a lawyer. My point is that with an alcoholic, you can't reason with them when they are drunk. Some alcoholics are silly and funny when they are drunk and make fools of themselves. Others can be violent and belligerant, no matter how nice of a person they are when they are not drunk. If your boyfriend does not have the desire to address this problem on his own, then an intervention may not do any good. One thing I have learned in my own experience with an alcoholic family member, is that the alcoholic has to WANT to quit and has to SEE that there is a problem. Until that happens, no amount of trying to open their eyes will do any good because they are truly addicted to alcohol and this addiction is stronger than they are, and it is almost impossible to overcome the strong urge/desire to drink without help. Help is not effective until the person realizes they need it. I think a good wake up call for your boyfriend would be a night or two in jail the next time he behaves this way when drunk. Call 9-1-1- ASAP the next time this happens. I also think it couldn't hurt for you to have a tape recorder or video camera available on hand for someone to tape or video your boyfriend, if possible, when he is in this state. Perhaps by doing that and then showing it to him when he is sober will open his eyes to the destruction and fear he is putting on the family he has made with you and the boys. I think that if you do have an intervention, you should make sure it is not just you and your boys, but also a trusted friend or two of his and/or yours - someone who he looks up to and respects. He might just think you are overreacting because you are close to the situation. but if a friend or family member of HIS is also there to support and back you up, then he may be more likely to see that you are not imagining how bad this situation is. If you do end up leaving him over this, then that might be the wake-up call he needs to see that he has a serious problem. I applaud you for having the courage to do that if it is necessary. Too many people stay in abusive relationships because they think they have no other way out. There is ALWAYS a way out, even if it is difficult, and I would encourage you to stick to your guns. Nobody deserves to be abused, and your boyfriend is not only ruining his own life, but also the lives of you and your boys. By giving him this one last chance, you are showing him that you have done everything you can do to save the relationship. He might blame you till the cows come home and try to make you feel guilty, but don't bend - he needs to reap the consequences of his actions - that is the only way to save him, even if you have to have a life without him. Best of luck to you.

Answer 5

Girl, I lived with that for years. They absolutely have to want to do it for themself. If not, no kind of therapy will work. Also, if it is gone to physical abuse, trust me - it will get a lot worse. Mark my words. You are absolutely crazy for putting yourself and your children through this torture. An alcoholic is in denial and nothing is their fault. It is a shelfish disease. Get out temporary until he makes the effort to change his life completely (not just temporary). Have him in AA - 90 meetings in 90 days. That is a start. But again, the situation will never change if they don't honestly want to change for the best. I left years ago and it was the hardest choice I ever made in life. To leave someone I loved that much for MY own good. It was the best choice I ever made because even after 10 years he is still a drunk, has nothing, will never have nothing except his poor pitiful *** and his whiskey. If he wants to destroy his life, that is one thing, but don't bring everyone else down with him. It is very unfair to the kids. That is complete abuse in the worst way. Use your head!

Answer 6

If I were you, I would suggest he enter a rehabiliation program. It is not healthy nor fair for you and your children to witness verbal and physical abuse. My Mom's Dad was an abusive alcoholic for much of his life up until he suffered a heart attack and had to quit drinking in order to stay alive. After he had finally sobered up for good, he apologized for his behavior over all of those years but by then it was too late, my Mom and her siblings had already suffered the trauma of being exposed to emotional and physical abuse. My Grandpa would run at them with knives and guns and threaten to kill them. I don't know if your situation will become this severe but your boyfriends alcoholism will only worsen over time. Sit him down when he is sober and explain that he is a fantastic man when he isn't drinking but he lashes out in violence when he drinks. Tell him you will not willingly submit yourself and your children to further emotional and physical harm. If he cannot understand your wishes, pack your things and make a new life for yourself and your kids. Once he realizes you are serious about the fact that he needs to quit drinking, maybe he will see that he needs to make progress. You can't force him to go to AA or to a rehab center but if he sees the pain he has caused and wants to make things right, he will do so for the sake of himself and his family. If he refuses you, please get out. Don't mistakenly think that things will get better because they will only get better if he makes the change and he won't make the change unless he's willing to.

Answer 7

I don't envy the position you are in, and I don't know much about this but here are some resources on the web that might help you.
Good luck and God Bless you as you do this.

- "Family Intervention: How It Works (Sometimes It's the Only Choice Left): http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/info2/a/aa100897.htm

- This page includes informatoin on dual diagnosis and a free hotline you can call for help in planning your intervention: http://www.drugrehabcenter.com/testwww/dual_diagnosis.html

- Al Anon & Alateen (Resources and support for families and children of alcoholics): http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

**** Please, though, if he continues to be physically abusive, take the kids and leave, and work on getting him help from a position of strength (away and safe) not weakness (at risk of being attacked or having to protect the children).

Answer 8

you can go ahead and throw out all the whiskey you can find. make sure the boys aren't there and make sure he is SOBER!!!!!!!!!!! don't even try if he's wasted. tell him he's RUINING his life and one more time and your GONE and probably any chance of his boys loving him when they're older. bring up all the things that have changed since he's been drinking. if he's lost his job or if the boys have been letting their grades drop, bring that up. tell him he's useless when he's drunk (which he is) and that you need him to change b/c u need him. idk what else to tell u, except for try this, then leave if it doesn't work. there's no reason for you to stick around for him if he doesn't try anymore.
hope i helped
OH
and u have to help keep the alcohol OUT OF THE HOUSE.. go through every day and take the alcohol out of there. yea, he can find some out of the house too, but it's easier to adjust if it starts at home.

Answer 9

Sit him down, tell him you love him, and then tell him he has a choice...the wiskey or you. If he says thats not fair or something then tell him you want an exact answer.

I had something simmilar but my bf isn't abusive...he just liked to drink beer and the he would hurt my feelings by saying something...but I told him one night that I couldn't handle the drinking anymore. Since then he has been the man I fell in love with. So if he loves you then he will stop.

Answer 10

Tell him that. Clean up or get out. I assume by intervention you mean more that just you. If he sees you have family support, it may work, it may not. If it just you telling him this, he will likely not get the message.

If not, send him packing. Doesn't sound like you will be losing much. Your boys don't need to see that behavior.

Where is your family in all this. If my sister called with this problem, my father and I would have already handled this situation. long ago.