What is happening?

Question

I like him, but I don’t want to caress him, or touch him in any sexual way, because I don’t want it to lead to bed and end up frustrated again, and again, and again… like it’s happened. He is a very caring individual during the day, he’ll will kiss me all day long and hold my hand all proud and happy, but at night is a WHOLE other story. We’ve had several conversations about this issue and he seems to want guidance, wants me to tell him exactly what I want and how I want it. I remember the last time I had to do this (the guy was 23 yrs old – hello!) and it was to be expected, but from a grown man. I just don’t feel comfortable having to tell a grown man what does it for a woman. Now I don’t feel like being affectionate during the day anymore, because it doesn’t change anything at night. The situation does really frustrate me, and now he is getting frustrated because he’s not getting enough affection. We are both grown adults, shouldn’t intimacy just happen the right way naturally?

Answer 1

you really don't give enough info to give an informed answer

Answer 2

I have been in your situation before and it is no fun! Intimacy sometimes happen the right way immediatly but for others they just dont have it. My ex husband lacked that quality big time. He could never please me and he did try but never did succeed. For a whole year I did not have an orgasm or be pleased in anyway. I guess you could say it is better that he is my ex now but that is not why we got divorced but it did have big problems on our relationship. It has problems on any relationship. Either man or woman have needs and if those needs are not met...things become stressfull. The man that I have now....we connect of every level possible. Its amazing and would never want to change it ever! There could be problems if you dont have it changed soon. If he is willing to learn then maybe he just needs a little bit of guidance or if you dont want to teach then find someone with more experience in the love making field. Otherwise if you dont want to teach...it wont work and your relationship will eventually fail because you are already frustrated with him. If you care about him....work on it. Sex is a natural thing and should be openly discussed between two adults. Hope it gets better for you and things work out.

Answer 3

Low sexual desire is rapidly becoming the most common issue treated in therapy. There are a number of reasons why someone may initially be turned off to sex, but often what happens is that even when the original cause has long gone, couples may find it very difficult to restart their sexual relationship.

In some cases, going off sex may start as a symptom of another sexual problem. For example: difficulty reaching orgasm, impotence or painful intercourse.

For a few, the problem may be physical. But in the majority of cases it's the result of negative thoughts or feelings. The most common ones are:

Poor self-esteem. If you don't feel good about yourself you'll find it difficult to see yourself as a sexual person. Your partner will be seeing a very private side of you and that takes confidence.
Relationship issues. If you're feeling angry, upset or in any way insecure about your relationship, you need to address these issues before you can expect to feel sexual towards your partner. Try talking things through with them or going for couple counselling. Some couples struggle to feel desire for their partner because they say they feel too close. The relationship feels too much like brother and sister and sex may feel inappropriate. Sex therapy can help these couples see each other in a new light.

Partner problems. It's a sensitive subject, but a common cause of turning off to romantic advances is a partner who turns you off. It might be a physical or hygiene issue, perhaps they have a habit that makes you switch off or they're not a very skilled lover. Honesty is the only way to get round this.

Bad experiences. An inhibited childhood or a particular traumatic experience might have left you with negative feelings about sex.

Fears. There may be powerful fears of pregnancy or getting an infection. Talking through these things with your partner or a counsellor may help.

Other possible reasons

Any illness, disability or change in your lifestyle that leaves you tired, in pain or feeling low about yourself will have an indirect affect on your sex drive. The following have a direct effect:

depression
childbirth
alcohol and drug abuse
illness or damage to testes or ovaries, which can affect hormone production
illnesses such as some pituitary conditions, hypothyroidism, cirrhosis or stress
certain prescription drugs

You may find it useful to see your doctor if any of the above apply.

Tips for increasing desire

Relax. This is the most important thing you can do. Have a bath, use deep-breathing techniques or buy a relaxation tape.
Check your environment. Be sure there are no distractions to you becoming aroused and that the atmosphere suits your mood.

Exercise your pelvic floor. This will increase the blood flow to your genital area and make you more conscious of any sensations of physical arousal.

Try using fantasy. Get yourself in the mood by slipping into a favourite fantasy.

Enjoy being sensual before you're sexual. Take your time and allow your body focus on the pleasurable sensations of touch.
Change your view. Get sex into the forefront of your mind by reading or watching something more raunchy than you'd normally choose.

Focus on positives. If there's something about your partner or yourself you don't like, don't think about it. Force yourself to look at and think about the positives, instead.

Stimulate your sympathetic nervous system. Exercise, watch a scary movie, go on a roller coaster - anything that will speed up your heart rate. Research suggests that 15 to 30 minutes later your body is more sexually responsive.

Answer 4

Sorry, but you're the problem here. Your unwillingness to communicate with your partner is a bit...off.

First of all, there is no "right way". Every person is unique, and therefor every couple is also unique. It's not "what does it for a woman", it's what does it for YOU. If you're not willing to communicate that to your partner, you'd better just break it off and start dating around until you magically find someone who just happens to, by either pure chance or psychic powers, know exactly what makes you hot.

If you're both grown adults, you should both know that part of intimacy is being comfortable sharing your needs and desires with your partner.

Answer 5

What is natural to one is not to another...you must expand your mind and be just a bit more open minded. Just ponder his situation....he is being too timid for you,but it sounds like he is into what makes YOU feel good....he is not a mind reader and neither are you. I hope the two of you have more as a bond other than just sex. DISCUSS ( this means the both of you talk & listen to each other) with him what you would like more of, because I have learned different women like different things....weird things..lol

You should be pleased in bed and so should he, but if you guys don't work at it or don't REALLy want to work at it....then it may be time to move on.

Answer 6

hi...we don't know your ages, or if either of you have ever had successful marriages, or relationships, in the past...but,i have found out that most men do NOT know how to help you achieve the big "O"...every woman is different in some sort of way...what pleased the last woman he was with, may not work for you, so you need to gently guide him along the way...it may be embarrassing at first, (it was for me)...but you two can create and discover your own chemestry...believe me....it's worth it... good luck...

Answer 7

Maybe this guy was in a relationship and was criticized for not getting things right with his last partner. Ever though of that? Just tell him what you need. Is it that hard? Be glad he's asking and trying to make things work for YOU! Not just himself.

Answer 8

Is it wrong to want to make you happy and feel good?I myself for some unexplainable reason am more romantic at day than at night.With the kids,work,and helping keep the house chores intact,it might be a energy thing....Good question!

Answer 9

hello what planet are you from. every women is not pleased in the same way. thats why he wants to know what you really like. take advantage of training him to your likings. but if this is a serious problem for you that he cares more about pleasing you instead of himself then you should become a nun.

Answer 10

I think its good he wants to know. That tell you that he isn't only concerned with himself. He could just do what pleases him but he wants to know what pleases you, so he can. He just wants to please you. I have had this problem, just get intimate and let him know (with gestures or noises) what you like. If you do it, move him in the places you want him to be, moan when you like it...something!

Dont avoid doing it because the only way he'll learn is with a lesson. And everybodies different and when you get with new people you have to figure out what they like. I do that by paying attention to their expressions when we do....GOOD LUCK!

Answer 11

the best solution is to get him a book about this subject and what a woman wants from her partner and let him read it.i think there would be no problem after that if he really cares about you