In-law problems?

Question

I don't know what to do. I'll give you a little history. My mother-in-law ( husband's mom) didn't want me and my husband to get married, she tried to talk him out of marrying me. ( I was told this by his brother's wife, and I believe her) She never comes over to visit us unless she wants to borrow money or food or something. Her daughter and her husband and 2 kids live with her. Neither of them work so she's supporting herself, her daughter, son-in-law and 2 grand kids. They never call or come to visit unless they want something and never pay anyone back. My mother-in-law borrowed $700 from my husband's brother's wife to get her daughter that lives with her out of jail for writing bad checks and never paid them back. They are always borrowing money from someone to pay their electric bill and never pay any of it back. I hate going over there. We are supposed to go over there today when my huband gets home from work but I really don't want to go. But I know she is his mother.

I don't know what to do. I know they are going to ask to borrow something and I'll never see it again. What would you do??

His mom didn't even call him on his birthday to tell him happy birthday.

In my eyes my husband is the best one out of that family, he works a steady job and I work too and our bills are always paid but the rest of his family is just plain trash.

I really didn't realize his family was this way until after we got married. His mother doesn't like any of her daughter-in-laws and talks about us to other family members when we aren't there and talks to us about other family members when they aren't there. The woman gets on my nerves!

Answer 1

Wow! What a family, eh? My advice is to shut this spiggot OFF. Don't go if you don't want to. It's his family but when it comes time for the borrowing question...you are his family first, last and always. How will they ever get off their butts to help themselves if you are always bailing them out. As far as the dead check cashing sister...I'd have left her in jail. I kid you not. Good luck, you are going to need it. They are not family, merely selfish, lazy, thoughtless parasitic leeches.

Answer 2

you can make an excuse or tell your husbnd the truth- you don't want to go. By all means let him go without any guilt. It is his family.
You two need to discuss how to handle the " borrowing" and make the plan stick.
Unless you want her to be able to come between you two and ultimately get her wish of you two not bing together, you must find a way to be supportive of your husband while making a stand for yourself- COMPROMISE - Decide what you can live with and without and don't assume your husband feels the same as you do. He may not mind that when he " loans " money it never seems to be repayed. He may have accepted that this is the way the family operates and it won't change.
You can only change your perception of the situation so begin within and decide that you will not be around them unless you have to BUT you will not make a fuss if your husband wants to spend time with them. Keep it reasonable and the two of you will work it out.

Answer 3

This is your husband's family and therefore you owe them that respect but that is probably all. If asked for money, simply say that you understand their situation, wish you could help but money is also tight in your household. Be sympathetic but do not enable them by giving them $$. As far as standing up to them, that is really your husband's responsibly. You two are now a new family unit and he needs to make that a priority. His parents' needs should take a back seat to yours, as long as you are reasonable and not being a spoiled princess. Good luck.

Regarding lending anyone money, I was told years ago by a trusted older friend to never lend anyone money, especially family. See it as a gift. If you cannot afford to give the money as a "gift" then you cannot afford to lend the money. If you give the money as a gift and you get paid back, consider yourself lucky. If you do not get paid back, oh well, it was a "gift" after all--money you had to spare. If you do not view this as a gift, it will eat away at you forever, especially with family involved. It will be all either member thinks about at the next family dinner. I've been there!

Answer 4

It sounds like you're better off not having your Mother-n-Law visit you and your Husband. She seems like a user and a troublemaker (no fence) and even though that's his Mother, it's best to keep her at bay for you must take care of you and your family first. Just because she's his Mother, doesn't mean that your responsible for her financially. In fact, as a Mother myself, I feel that I should help take care of child and his/her family and offer help and support when needed. If I were you, I wouldn't lend her any money and with experiences you've had with her, your Husband should agree. When she asks, I would tell her that you simply do not have the money. If she gets mad then let her, she should be ashamed of herself especially with the way she has treated the both of you. Good Luck and stay strong!!

Answer 5

These types of problems exist with certain personality types, not just mother in laws. These kinds of people will make you feel bad for their bad behavior. If you give into this bad behavior, then you are enabling them to continue to act badly.

The hard part is that unless you are in synch with your spouse about this, then you get to pay for it from both of them.

You need to decide to set some boundries. If you owe her money, then pay her and don't deal in dollars with her anymore. If she owes you money, then you can hold that over her head and say that you don't have any money because you are still trying to pay off the credit card you had to borrow from (with interest) because she has not paid you back and you are still feeling the pain from that. If she wants to borrow food, then make a rule that she can come over for lunch or dinner every other week and you will help her that way.

The bottom line is that someone has always given in to her poor behavior. Bailing a child out of jail also fits in this category. Most kids who are bailed out, return to their same crime within the week because they think that someone will always be there to save them. They are enabled to be able to act badly.

This is all toxic behavior and you need to set some boundries. These people are usually predicatble and you can plan according to their past behavior and set your boundries. If you give an inch, they will take you a mile.

Answer 6

You need to set down the law with your husband..I have family like that..If you keep bailing them out, then they will never learn. For the daughter that was in jail, they should have left her in jail..Because if you bail someone out for doing something bad, they never learn..If they knew they couldn't borrow money then they would all be out looking for a job so that they would have electric in their home..They need to hit rock bottom for some people to learn..Sometimes its hard when its family, but if you don't stop it now you will be supporting them the rest of your lifes..

Answer 7

OK girl you are never going to get out of the fact that when you married your husband you married his entire family.... BUT you really don't have to put up with that put you foot down and tell your husband that you cant lend them any more money...."maybe if you stop lending them money one of them will get a job and start doing things for them selves" and she asks you for money just tell her that you cant that you are sorry but you cant you have other thinks that you have to pay

Answer 8

Talk to your husband about it. And tell him to agree with you and tell them that you don't have it for them to borrow.

Or turn the tables on them and when you get there tell them you are having a hard time paying your bills and that your lights are about to be turned off and you need to borrow some money from them. Bet they won't be able to help and when they realize you need money they won't ask for any.

Beat them to the punch.

Answer 9

If your husband wants to go over there and you don't then tell him to go alone. Just remember YOU chose to marry your husband, he came attached to this family, if you had a problem with that fact then you shouldn't have gotten married to this guy. I suggest that you learn to tolerate the situation as it is because it isn't going to change.

Answer 10

Use the word "NO" and often. They do not respect you, your husband or anyone else. I vote to give them nothing and I would definately not go around there. If your husband wants to go there, let him go alone. You are not obligated to go around them, or have anything to do with them. Maybe you and your sister in law should start a new pattern of behavior toward these loosers.