my brother passed away last night from cancer?

Question

how do i help my 10 year old daughter through it i dont know how to explain things to her she knows what has happened but cant understand why im just feeling numb and not knowing what to say to her to help her.

she doesnt understand why its happened

Answer 1

Just be honest with her, I mean explain that Death happens to us all but at different times and for different things. Tell her that everyone copes with it differently. Some cry on the outside some on the inside and some simply don't care.

Answer 2

I have a 10 yr old daughter too. At 10 she should have a pretty good handle on what happened and why you are said. Alot of explaining is, most likely, not necessary at this point. If she wants to talk, listen. Answer any questions she has, the very best that you can. Also let her know if you just don't feel like talking sometimes. Acknowledge your own grief and let her know you are sad too. This is a process that is going to take time. Take things one day at a time.

Answer 3

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no rules for grief...its as personal as your relationship with the loved one you have just lost and each of us go through it in our own way. I did feel the numbness you seem to be feeling when I lost dad to cancer....and from what I have read in a lot of answers on this site..it seems to be one of those things that quite a few people experience, I like to think it is our bodies way of protecting us from the pain of loss.....I am now past the numb stage and it is painful but 2 years has passed and I am not working through my pain whereas I am not at all sure how I would have coped when dad passed. Maybe thats why they say time heals....I don;t agree....I think it just learns us to adjust to a different life without our loved one....I hope that one day we can all remember our loved ones who we have lost with a happy heart and a smile...right now, you and your family need to take one day as it comes...good bad or indifferent, they just keep coming. Why not let your daughter take a look at some of the answers you get....it may help her see that grief has no rules and we all get through as best as we can..just draw close to your family for love and support. My thoughts are with you all xx

Answer 4

Here is a lik which may help:
http://www.golden-rule.com/fi-children.php

Or Google "children coping with death"

I'm sorry for you loss. I nearly lost one of my brothers a couple of years ago. He had fallen 48 feet. I cannot imagine the pain you are going through.

Your daughter, at age 10, is surely old enough to experience this loss in an honest and mature way. I don't think a 10 year old needs thing sugarcoated. Death, unfortunately, is part of life. It happens to everyone, and a 10 year old is old enough to begin understanding that. I was 8 when my grandmother died. I sat by her bed the night she died. I went to the funeral. I grieved along with everyone else. Had I been protected from experiencing all that, I really believe I would now resent my parents trying to protect me from experiencing her loss.

Good luck.

Answer 5

I am so sorry to hear that, it must be a very difficult time for you all. When I was 9 years old my uncle died quite suddenly of a heart attack - he was there one day, at our house, then died on the way to hospital the next. It was bizarre - but one thing I would say is don't try to hide it from her, thinking it might make her feel better or protected - it's amazing how much kids pick up, and know, even without adults actually telling them anything. Did she know he was ill? You need to tell her that her uncle was ill, and that the doctors did all they could to help him, but that they could not make him better - that you know that it seems unfair, and everybody is very sad right now - but that his spirit is still there (whatever your beliefs, saying this really will help) and that he still loves you all very much. You still need to be there for her, and she can be there for you too. You will feel numb for a long time, but the healing does happen eventually (it took me a year to get over my father's death without wanting to cry when I thought about it) - but time really does heal. My thoughts are with you - take it slowly and just make sure that you keep talking to your daughter, and make her feel safe and loved.

Answer 6

Why not tell her what you just wrote? If you can be honest here, why not with your 10 year old? I grieve with you on the death of your brother, and can truly understand what you are going thru. But your daughter is ten and understands a lot more than we give children credit for. Just sit down with her, give her a big hug, and let the words flow. Answer her questions with an open honesty. God Bless and good luck.

Answer 7

My dad died from it a few years ago and my brothers took it really hard as well.. My mom talked to the counsilors at our schools and they were able to explain things better... Try getting her some help from an outside source other then yourself and just be patient.. It is not easy going through a loss like that... Remind her of the good times you shared and that he is in a better place now where he doesnt have to suffer anymore.. He is no longer in pain..
Sorry to hear that and good luck

Answer 8

Don't say he fell asleep and won't wake up, it could frighten the child and they won't go to sleep.

Don't say he went on a "trip," then they could be scared and not go on a trip again.

Just carefully explain that all things live and die, from bugs to trees and flowers, and vehicles. If you do this, let her know that you and your daughter will be around for a long time though. And when you are gone you will be reunited with your brother/her uncle. Until then, he'll be watching over her and keeping her safe.

All in all, best of luck and sorry for your loss! I lost an aunt to cancer when I was 10, so I know how she feels!

Answer 9

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. It's always hard for someone to lose a loved one for any reason but you got to look at it this way it's part of life. I feel bad for you. Sit down with your daughter and explain to her that sometimes people get cancer and it's not their fault or anyone Else's fault it just happens. Let her know that he's gone but let her know that he'll always be in her heart. Just be honest with her. Don't keep anything from her. One day she'll fully understand but until then comfort her and let her know that it's part of life and cancers just happen. It's no ones fault. It's ok to miss him but don't let his death keep you from life. I learned that after I lost my grandpa. I am so sorry for your loss and I feel really bad for you. I hope this will help you with your daughter.

Answer 10

First of all I must tell you how sorry i am, I lost my father last may 06, and telling my kids that they grandpa died was the hardest thing. They new my dad was sick with cancer and that he was going to die, I never left them in the dark about anything. Just be truly honest with your daughter and she will understand your feeling numb inside.I wish you the both the best of luck.

Answer 11

Breaking the news

It's never easy to break the news of a death to a child. If the child isn't told, he or she may be left confused, possibly imagining things worse than the reality. It's therefore important that:
you, as a parent, or someone known to and trusted by the child tells him or her of the death soon after it's occurred, using touch to comfort and console.
you use simple, factual words or phrases such as 'dead' or 'has died' to avoid confusion in the child's mind. Phrases such as 'going to heaven', 'slipped away' or 'God has taken him' can be frightening or misleading.
you answer a child's questions truthfully and as often as they're asked, and admit to not knowing the answer to a question if necessary.
you practise open and honest communication at all times. Shedding tears is normal and indicates to the child how much the dead person meant to you.
you inform your child's school of the death and ask for the support of individual teachers as necessary.
you accept children as bereaved people and don't push them aside.


Children and dead bodies

It can be important for adults to see the dead body as long as they feel comfortable. It reinforces the 'deadness' and confirms that the person is no longer living. To say goodbye not only emphasises the finality of death but is also a natural reaction to someone leaving us.
Like adults, children - even young ones - need to make choices after gentle preparation. They too may want to say goodbye, place a favourite toy or flowers in the coffin, or write a letter of farewell.

Children at funerals

A funeral is a special family occasion, which marks the end of someone's life and gives children an opportunity to be involved with the rituals. Children need to be prepared in advance so that they know what to expect and to choose whether they want to attend.
There's no evidence to show that children who go to funerals are harmed; in fact, the opposite is true. If they choose not to go, a trusted adult should be with them while the funeral takes place. Perhaps the service could be recorded or filmed for use at a later stage.

I am very sorry for your loss.