How much do you change when you get out of the military?

Question

I only know 2 people, both were the spouse of two of my friends and both marriages ened in divorce shortly after they got out of the military. Is this common or just coindence?

Yeah, he has changed a LOT. I didn't notice it after the 1st deployment but he just came back from his second and is a different person, all-together. He's not the person I married, he's inconsiderate, angry, and just MEAN. I'm trying to be patient. It is SOOO hard though.

Answer 1

There can be many reasons; one could be that the military is very structured; you have patterns and routines for just about everything you do. When I first got out and there wasn’t that structure there, I felt a little lost and directionless. Your husband could also be suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome, I can speak from experience I had some things happen that took years for me to come to terms with. Also when deployed you are surrounded by other soldiers 24/7 you begin to think, talk, and even act differently, it is something you can’t understand without experiencing the close bonds that develop between soldiers in the field. I had friends in the military that I only knew less than 8 months but I knew them better than anyone I had known in my life as a civilian. I miss that, the camaraderie that you had in the military and you just don’t find it in civilian life.
You and your husband are in my prayers, I hope you can find a way to communicate with each other and I hope he is able to transition into civilian life.

Answer 2

Unfortunately, It is quite common, though the reasons in different circumstances are varied. Military life is fundamentally different from civillian life due to the nature of the purpose of the military. Often, it is not seen as something with which a spouse can cope primarily because the spouse doesn't take the same oath, or has some conflict with the values that are instilled into soldiers.
The military attempts to conform all of its members into a cohesive cooperaive unit versus the advocacy of individualism that is, at times, quite extreme in American society. So, if these differences and other more concrete conflicts (finances, day-to-day living needs, etc.) cannot be resolved the marriage will likely end. This says nothing about either the individuals involved or the military itself for the fact that it is universal law that similarities in nature will group and differences will be separated. It is a price that is paid as a choice to live the life we enjoy in America.

Answer 3

If you look at statistics divorce is very common in the military. Especially in the Marine Corps who boasts the highest percentage. I personally know of 3 people, 2 are divorced after they got out. But the last one is still married because he waited until after his four year contract was over before he got married. So the odds are against marriage here, not coincidence.

As for how much do you change? Quite a lot actually. It is very hard to adjust to a new way of life and everything is so much more different. It is very hard to explain. I find it to be like going to a different country people act, talk, and think so differently. It can be a very big culture shock and you may miss the military life. That's where differences come up and cause friction in a marriage. Also trying to find money because all of a sudden there are more bills to pay. Rent for the apartment, electricity, water. And as we all know finance is a big starter of arguments in a marriage.
I hope this helps and if you are getting out go to a Transition class it WILL HELP YOU! No lying. And if you are already out, take a deep breath and relax. Military people are known to adapt in all situations. Civilian life is no different, take your time, re-learn how to live, and adapt.

Answer 4

I'd say coincidence. My previous boss was a fighter pilot with the Canadian military (and maybe that's why it's different - who knows) but he and his wife were married at a young age, had 2 children and are still married to this day (he has since retired from the military but served for a number of years).
Truth is, depending on what you've been through during your service and if you've gone thru the process of rehabilitating to your natural surroudings, there is a chance you would have changed. But in any relationship you can never expect the other person to be the same as they have always been, we are human after all, we are an ever evolving species. It's up to both people to work on making their relationship what they want it to be (to have a common vision, a foundation) and if it doesn't end up being what each person had hoped for it's probably best that it end. Being apart from your significant other (while they are in military service) can be a challenge....
-Just to add to my response: isn't there a program within the military that helps soldiers and such when they return to their normal society?-

Answer 5

I was in the Navy, and there does seem to be a higher divorce rate in the military than in the general public. I think it has to do with the separation that married couples experience. We would go on WestPac (western Pacific deployment) for 6 months at a time. The spouses would learn to be more independent than they were before, since they now had to do everything themselves. This would cause problems after the ship returned.

I'm not blaming the spouse for learning to function with her husband away. I'm also not blaming the Navy (or any other branch of the service) for sending him away for so long. It's just that their marriage was not "compatible" with military life. There are also a lot of marriages that succeed in this type of environment.

Answer 6

It's a sad thing. I spent 20 years in the U.S. Marine Corps and after I retired it was hard to get used to civilian life. After 3 years my wife and I divorced. But it was for only 6 months. We remarried and have been married since. I think that because when I was in the service, every so often, around 2 years, I was given a set of orders. We would be separated for 13 months and than reunited.

After I retired, I think I was waiting for the orders (that would never come) and it frustrated me, causing me to become mean and agitated. But, we survived and now have been married for over 50 years.

Answer 7

I hope it was a coincidence, because a lot of my feelow soldiers already have kids. Now both of your friends got i and out of military probably still young. Then again you need to understand once you in you get payed more for being married and have kids so you never know they both have been married for money purposes. Its called contract marriage.

Answer 8

Depends on your state of mind and what happened to you in the military. I'm an infantryman, I volunteered for Force Recon
I spent 18 months at war and sleep like a baby, but I can honestly say I haven't done anything I'm ashamed of. And I'm happily married for 7 years and counting.

Give him time he's been threw allot just listen and try to be understanding. Hang in there it'll be worth it in the end (unless he hits you, that's a horse of another color). If he had the decency and courage to join up and fight he can't be all bad.

WOW!! since my discharge I've become quite the counselor!

Answer 9

There is definitely a change in people when they come back from war. They may become withdrawn form life and not be the person you knew. Your best bet it to try to get him out and doing fun things as quickly as you can and try to wait it out. Do not point out all the changes in him as soon as he gets back. It make take a while for him to get normal as he might have seen or been a part of some disturbing stuff.

Answer 10

The thing about the military is you are away from your spouse for long stretches of time so after your out that's when you realize that you can't stand being around them....I saw that a lot