Am I ever going to get over the death of my son?

Question

My son died when he was 2 nearly three. He was run over by a car in a carpark at a xmas party. That was nearly 20 years ago. I have coped pretty well until lately. I seem to have him on my mind alot and I am crying when I least expect to. I have had two more son's since then one 9 and the other one 7. They know of their brother who is up in heaven as I answer any questions they ask about him. But lately I don't seem to be coping. When is this going to get better

Answer 1

As so many people have said so far, you will never "get over" the loss of a child, but you will continue to be okay. Triggers for strong emotional reactions can be very subtle...a song, a familiar laugh or word, a certain smell...is it possible that you experienced something recently that triggered a strong memory?

This may sound strange, but I would suggest that you make some time to be alone; close your eyes and breath deeply until you feel relaxed and comfortable, and just "listen" to the thoughts running through your head - without judgement or trying to fix anything. Those thoughts might be about the laundry, your best friend, your late son, or your surviving children - they may be happy, sad, angry, or mean - and they are all okay...they are just thoughts. It is very important that you don't judge those thoughts, that you just let them come and go - don't try to plan anything or come up with solutions - just say to yourself "okay, I hear that", or "I understand that".

If you are open-minded enough, try imagining sitting somewhere comfortable and invite that feeling in the pit of your stomach to talk to you. It sounds strange...I know, but our emotions often cause a physical reaction that we can feel as "butterflies" or a "rock in the gut", and it's possible to focus on that feeling and "hear" what it causing it. Sometimes listening to ourselves is one of the hardest parts of grief - society seems to say that we should and shouldn't feel certain ways, but in reality, everyone who has lost a loved one feels something that causes guilt or "just feels wrong". By listening to how you feel, just like you would listen to a friend, and accepting those feelings without judgement or correction, you can begin to understand YOUR grief better, and take the next step in your healing process. If nothing else, you get a quite 15 minutes to just be alone, focusing once again on the child that you lost and still love so dearly.

I am truly sorry to hear about your loss. 20 years may seem like a long time, but a mothers heart never ages. Don't fret over the amount of time it takes to heal.

Answer 2

No, sorry, you are not going to get over his death. It will get easier, and the length of time that takes varies from person to person. My daughter was stillborn nearly 9 years ago, and I've got myself to the point where I don't cry for her all the time now, but my exhusband (her father) has ended up a drunk and drug addict because he's never learned how to grieve for her and just couldn't cope.
What helped me was talking to other people who have had a similar tragedy, and realising that what you're feeling is completely okay. Cos what I found hard was that I felt like I was going crazy and that I was a wuss cos I wasn't coping. There should be s support group somewhere close-by (I don't know where you are, in Australia we have Sids n Kids) that can steer you in the right direction for some help.
One thing to remember though, take it easy on yourself, be kind to yourself, accept that what's happening is probably a normal thing and will have an end at some point.
I hope it gets easier for you.

Answer 3

The short answer is, No. We lost our infant son (16 months) after a monumental struggle with a congenital heart disease called Hypo-plastic Left Heart Syndrome. (HLHS) That will be six years ago in March. Not a day goes by that we aren't thinking and remembering him. My wife also lost her brother nearly thirty-five years ago, after an accident in which he fell on a pocket knife. My mother-in-law talks about him almost every time I see her.

You NEVER get over it. You learn to cope with the fact that they are gone. If you really believe - as we do - that your son is in heaven, rejoice in that and look forward to seeing him in Glory! May God Bless all parents everywhere who have experienced their own child's funeral.

Answer 4

You want an honest answer I assume. I don't think you will ever be able to get over it, and although I have not been in your situation (thank God), I almost understand how you feel. It is so sad to lose a child. May God bless and keep you. I hope you are a religious person, because I will be praying for you.

Answer 5

Not when you're thinking like that. Will you ever forget? Nope. Will you ever be okay? Sure, is being okay being happy all the time? Nope. It's okay to let yourself be sad sometimes, but if you're feeling depressed, you've got to get some help. Have you tried therapy?

Oh and by the way, the miscarriage comment, that's just patronising. If I were you, I'd be offended.

Answer 6

It seems that you have coped well considering the circumstances but it would be so hard, I can't even imagine. At least you have two children that you can love. Keep your head up and know that he is being taken care of.

Answer 7

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I had a miscarrage more than twenty years ago and I still get flashbacks and get depressed at times when I think how old my daughter would have been by now, how pretty, how clever, what she would have thought of her younger siblings, things like that. I think mostly its guilt for forgetting and gettting on with your life, you feel you shouldn't be happy while your very own child has passed on so you just punish yourself for that Just try to manage it everyday and I hope things can get better soon.

Answer 8

Aw Im soo sorry. I lost my brother about 18 years ago! He was 3 and died of cancer. I know how ur feeling. Just pray about it. You probally wouldnt get over it cause hes ur son but just pray a lot. Jesus will listen

Answer 9

sorry 2 hear that but u wil get over it but it is not easy because he was ur son and u have 2 other son`s asking about there brother which is ok because they wil want 2 know about there little brother so they can rembemer him and it is ok 2 cry about it but it is very hard 2 get over death when it is family sorry i don`t know if it wil help u

Answer 10

You will NEVER get over it. I too lost a child, teenager, over 10 yrs ago. I think of him often. I still have bad days, especially around holidays. I try to think of all the good & funny things he used to do. Share your feelings. It never hurts to talk about it. Don't dwell on losing him but on what joys he brought to your life. You are blessed to have other children. I wasn't. Focus on them. God Bless You!