Should I keep making excuses to my son for his deadbeat dad?

Question

My 9 year old son has a father that shows up for visits when he feels like it and barely calls his son. I am constantly making up excuses for his dad so that my son doesn't feel like he was just blown off. I hate to lie to my son but I don't want his feelings to be hurt. I guess telling him that things came up or his dad had to work that day isn't a white lie that will cause damage to him. What do you think?

Answer 1

I think you're doing a loving thing for your son. I know you just want to blow the whistle off on your son's father, but it will only hurt your child, and I suspect you know that. Don't worry, tigers don't change their stripes, and your son will eventually see his dad for what he is, and love you more for protecting his young heart.

Main thing is now, is try to get a positive male role model into his life. That doesn't mean to get a boyfriend involved like a dad (big mistake, because boyfriends come and go, and your baby doesn't need another man leaving him) maybe like an uncle or good friend.

Answer 2

I don't think your white lies are doing him really any good. He is 9 and I am sure he is thinking that no matter what you say, he doesn't see his dad. I think you really need him to understand that the reason his dad doesn't come around is not because of your son. Maybe the truth would be best. I wouldn't bash his father, but to keep making up excuses, might make things tough on the two of you. He could be wondering, or mad about his dad, and he sees you sticking up for him. I would be honest. Also, have you tried talking to his father? My boyfriend's dad more or less abandoned him and his mother. After 18 years, he wanted to come back into his life. His mom got remarried and he adopted him. When his father came back into his life, he asked if he would change his name back, that he would pay for it. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 6 years. The first 2, we talked to his "real" dad maybe 3 times a year. We got pregnant, he was calling all the time, having us over. He has seen his "grand-daughter" I think a total of 4 times since she was born. She is now 5, and it has been at least 4 years since we last heard from him. Sometimes they will never change, they will always be a deadbeat dad. I do know that with your sons father not being around it will hurt him down the road, well I guess I don't KNOW, but that is what my boyfriend has experienced. Even if he says he doesn't care. All you can do is try to get him involved. After that it is all on him. Good Luck to you and your son.

Answer 3

Are you required (through custody agreement etc) to allow/provide opportunities for visitation is my first question. If so, you may not have the option of not allowing the visits. It sounds like you really want your son to know his father. If you and your ex get along well enough, could you have a few outings together so that your son might feel more comfortable? Maybe this could give you a clue as to why your son is so resistent to go with daddy. Does he have the same reaction with others? I.E. Does he cry if he's left with grandma or at day care? Does he settle down once you are out of site (this might be more your child's attempt to keep you with him rather than not wanting to be with dad?) I'd really explore what's behind your son's behavior. There is always a reason, and it may not be something severe (like mistreatment by dad). It may just be that he feels most secure with you.

Answer 4

Don't lie to your child. When his father says that he can't make it for the visit for whatever reason make him be the one to tell your son the reason. In time your son will realize what a loser his father is and he will need you even more. I am in the same situation but my son is 14 yrs. old and he knows without my saying what a bad dad he has.

But there is nothing that you can do about the situation because you can't force someone to do what they don't want to do!!

And when you call him his father I wouldn't exactly put it that way because any man can be a dad but it takes a real man to be a father.

Answer 5

My son is 6 and he knows what his dad is. I do tell him though that his dad loves him in his own way. Better to be honest with your son, he isn't a baby and guarenteed some kid at school has given him a hassle about believing the lies. Why are you covering up for that man, tell your son the truth and let him question his dad on why he isn't there for him. Kids are smarter and stronger than we sometimes give them credit for. I think if you tell him the truth, it will help your relationship with your son too. Good luck and take care of you.

Answer 6

Don't bad mouth the ex. You will look bad in the eyes of your nine year old son EVEN if you are correct). When he is older (and not that much) he will see his father for what he really is AND how his mother tried to protect his feelings when he was younger.

But, you can tell his dear old dad a thing or two. For example:

Hey, Mr. Father of the year, I understand our relationship didn't work out as we expected...but that is no reason to throw away your relationship with your son. I've have been covering for you for too long..you need to step up to the plate before he realizes you are a deadbeat."

Answer 7

Tell your son his dad is the one that needs to answer these questions. The next time his father makes contact, your son can ask him.

Answer 8

I think that you should be honest with your son. Don't make excuses for his father. You already have to deal with enough with raising your son alone. Your son can call his father and ask him why he didn't show up or why he doesn't call him. Just reassure your son that you love him and that you will ALWAYS be there for him.

Answer 9

Eventually you son will find out the truth. Would you rather he found out from you or on his own? I wouldn't make any excuses
for his dad. Your son needs to ask his father these things.

Answer 10

so what happens when this child finally learns the truth, he has a dead beat dad and a mom that lies, that is what he has got, so stop with the lies, and tell him that is is nothing to do with him and he isn't at fault that his dad doesn't know how to be a father. and you can not make him change only when he matures he might come back in to his life, do not destroy this child idea of his father, just stress that the dad isn't able to do it and you do not understand why.