Whos got the funniest joke out there?

Question

lets here some real jokes please. Something original.
Thanks!

Answer 1

Here r some as required........

IN HEAVEN

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful
bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "Its
only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams. "Oh my
God," says the old lady, "Now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there'" says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that."

COLLEGE RULES

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out of bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

"How much for a season pass?"

AMAZING WATCH

A rather confident man, walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast

Answer 2

I've got plenty .... here goes

What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."

The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'

What's the d! ifference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."

The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there exists an equal and opposite philosopher.

The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong.

Sunny's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Sunny seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls."

The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

Answer 3

A man wants to buy a donkey but he doesn't have much money. Finally he finds a nice, cheap one. As the deal is sealed though, the farmer selling the donkey tells the man
"This donkey is specially trained. To start him, say Hallelujah. To stop him say Amen."
The man nods, finishes paying and takes his new donkey on a ride. Suddenly a cliff appears and the man can't seem to remember how to stop his donkey. With no time left, he prays.
"Dear Lord, I am coming to heaven now. Please let it be painless. Amen."
The donkey stops right at the edge of the cliff.
The man yells "Hallelujah"


Also, my personal favorite:
Two muffins in a microwave. One goes "phew, it's hot in here!"
And the other ones like, "holy crap! a talking muffin!"

Answer 4

This is kind of stupid, but I like it:

There are two beautiful statues in a park. One male and one female. One day, an angel descends from Heaven and tells the two statues that since they are so beautiful and always bring joy to all who see them, they will be given 30 minutes of life to do whatever they want. Well, the two statues look at each other for a couple of seconds then run off behind the bushes. After 15 minutes they come out straighting themselves up and start to walk back up on their podiums, when the angel tells them they still have ONLY 15 minutes and they should go enjoy it while they can. The statues look at each other and decide they are up for game. As they are running back to the bushes, the girl leans to the guy and says, "This time, you hold the pigeons so I can poop on them".

Answer 5

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus .... so SHUT the hell up."

Answer 6

What did the man say when he walked into a bar?
ouch

Two guys, Sam and mike, go into a bar, sit down and Sam says "Drinks all round! I'm paying!" the bartender asks "whats the occasion" Sam says" We just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took us 3 years!" The bartender says "What the heck three years, it shouldn't take you that long!" "OH Yeah?" says mike" Then how come on the box it says '4-5 years'? "

Answer 7

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

They really aren't jokes, but I think they're funny.

Answer 8

Why did the blonde change her baby's diaper once a week?

The box said "Up to 20 pounds"

Answer 9

Richard Pryor

Answer 10

What gives you the power to see through a brick wall? A window ha ha