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I just wrote it and was going to give it to my girlfriend...is it a good one I need an opinion please. ^-^
The moon drifts down a sky.
A sky filled with twinkling stars.
An owl flies high into the night.
The clouds cover the moons scars.

The moon falls past the horizon
Allowing the sun to appear.
The Earth all seems to awaken
With life you can suddenly hear.

The golden skies of morning
Quickly grow brighter in the day
The air outside grows warmer
As all the children go out to play.

The sun grows tired and falls to rest
leaving the sky all gold and blue.
A beautiful day has ended.
But it's not as beautiful as you.

2007-01-23 14:41:49 · 35 answers · asked by destroyerofchaos 2 in Family & Relationships Singles & Dating

35 answers

Honest opinion? The positives: It has a very strong ending which is always fantastic.Your format is tight here with four quatrains. Your syllable count is relatively consistent throughout, keeping it clean. Your last stanza is the best and I wouldn't change a thing except for punctuation. The last two lines of your third stanza are also money. The owl covering the moon's (yeah, you need an apostrophe here as well) scars is fresh and unique.

The negatives: You need to punctuate and let you're reader know how you want this to be read. The end of a line is not a punctuation in and of itself. Also, in stanza one, you have periods after incomplete sentences; that needs revision. The first two lines of stanza 3 need help as they don't really say anything. Also, you have a number of cliches here, and you might want to work on finding fresh, unique ways of saying them. Some ex. are: "twinkling stars", the "earth" "awakening", the "golden skies".
I think you were very fresh and original with "The sun grows tired and lays to rest", and I think you can continue that throughout the poem.

All and all, great job and I'm impressed. She is a very lucky lady!

2007-01-23 15:02:46 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

personally its good that you want to give her a poem
but dude this poem is not thoughtful, not sweet enough, its cliche, you better write a poem using your real emotions, the way you really feel about her instead of forever discussing about nature and not being totally able to relate it to her,
you must write using your real emotions, this poem sounds like any other poem i have read
you need to be true to what you feel and use words that are simple yet deeper and can be interpreted in many ways
this poem does not seem to mean a lot
the moon drifts down the sky
a sky filled with twinkling stars? remove the word twinkling
instead place
the moon drifts down the sky
as i gaze into the horizon
the wind took my thoughts
and drifted into yours

i have no way of expressing
pas the horizon, past the sea
of how the sun shines
of how its sparkle brings beauty into your eyes

the earth is dark, im lost
but with the golden maiden
the land seems to appear
calm and life comes back
spring starts to hear
the gentle whisper in my heart

the morning
continously promises me a new day
a brighter and better chance
with you
everything starts to have meaning
all my thoughts
all my fears
are gone

the sun grew tired but her smile doesnt fail
to put my aching heart and body to rest
the sky is no longer alone
a beautiful day starts to emerge
the beauty i call you---------(then place her name)

you can try doing this

2007-01-23 14:57:00 · answer #2 · answered by haringmarumo 6 · 0 1

um it's 'lovely' but... you talk about the evening, and the night, then all of a sudden it's a beautiful day day

the first verse seems pointless and not needed but if you take it out, then it doesn't make a much sense

...you mention the sky filled with twinkling stars, so i envision a clear night....but then you mention clouds, so now the evening night isn't as beautiful as i thought... and covering the moons scars? scars? don't like that adjective

and the owl flying high? they don't fly high at night, that's when they're lurking for prey, not flying like an eagle.

the rest of it is good

2007-01-23 14:48:27 · answer #3 · answered by Chrissy 4 · 1 1

Dude it's a very nice poem but don't make the mistake of giving it to a girl! (Unless both of you are in your 30's at least). Young women are immature and immediately lose respect for any guy who writes them a poem. It's too soft and sappy. Don't get me wrong it's an awesome poem but hold off on it until your girlfriend turns 30 years old.

2007-01-23 14:46:55 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Yah I like it...if I had a boyfriend as ood as you..how would do that for me...Yah I would love it even if it was bad..because no one has ever writen me a love note, and it comes from the heart..that is really nice of you to do that for her..and i am glad there is some1 in the world who is nice enough to show it...thanks to u for just showing me it...even though the note wasnt to me..but it was good, try some more writing..thanks
good luck!
give her the poem!

2007-01-23 14:46:35 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Wow! That is a beautiful poem, I think any girl should feel so lucky as to get a poem so sweet. I might have to ask you for ideas on how to write a good love poem, myself!!

2007-01-23 15:51:53 · answer #6 · answered by When I Find Bad Spam I Grill It! 1 · 0 0

Oh my Lanta! you have to give that to her... It is really good. but the only problem with this being SO good is you're going to have to top it the next poem you write so write a whole bunch while you still have got the inspiration and then give her one at a time over a period of time.

2007-01-23 14:46:21 · answer #7 · answered by Suya 4 · 0 0

AWWWW!!! Yes that poem is so nice!! Most men never write poetry so that's two points in my book :)

PS, no matter what you put down on paper, your girl is going to love it because it came from the heart

2007-01-23 14:47:52 · answer #8 · answered by The One 2 · 0 0

WOW. that has got to be the most sweetest original poem i've ever read. OMG; you're girl is a lucky girl. Wow... lol. i LOVED it. i mean at first; i thought it was just a regular poem, then the last sentence just. wow. BRAVO man!!!

2007-01-23 14:44:54 · answer #9 · answered by BLiNKK 2 · 0 0

This is a wonderful poem. It shows your sensitifity. If I were your girlfriend, I would feel honored to receive it knowing that you wrote it just for me. Also, i would ask you to marry me.

2007-01-23 14:50:14 · answer #10 · answered by Sherilyn M 1 · 0 0

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