Sometimes i can't even look into the persons eyes
is it that people have made him feel this way,
Molded his face into some spit cup?
everytime he looks into the sky
he sees coulds, black thick clouds,
that never seems to thin out.
Long days make him desperate to find the light,
but its always dark where ever he walks.
Smile is always on his face,
just to tell the few not to bother him.
deep inside he knows he needs them to bother him,
so he feel the comfort of being noticed
maybe one day he can actually be blissful
like the rest of them
but maybe God didnt make him to be like the rest of them.
maybe he made him to be an atomic bomb ready to explode, maybe a sucrifice to the arrogant,
or a symbol to make everyone feel they have it better
( might have few typos but ignore them.. i think i need more metaphor and cut it shorter?
2007-01-23 14:00:08 · 5 answers · asked by Sad Monkey 3 in Education & Reference ➔ Other - Education
thanks jon j very good criticism... thanks!!!
2007-01-23 14:55:50 · update #1
It's kind of depressing but if that's what you are going for, it's great. I think you need to make it shorter.
2007-01-23 14:08:28 · answer #1 · answered by Babydoll 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1. In your first line you say " I ". The rest of your story continues with " him, he, his". I would start with "sometimes HE can't look ........ 2. Why are the "rest of them blissful"?? 3. God wouldn't create anyone to be "an atomic bomb". Personally, I would change the spit cup to something more like the dryness of the scalding summer desert sand, or molded his face to the likeness of a staring statue, gazing endlessly and seeing nothing. You've got a good story going...try to rewrite it several times, adding something here, or omitting something there, and I think you'll find a pretty good poem in there. Let me know the end result.
2007-01-23 14:15:56 · answer #2 · answered by john h 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think your poem is very deep and has a lot of meaning to it. You have good potential as a writer and I encourage you to keep it up. great work and I hope that your teacher will like it.
2007-01-23 14:12:27 · answer #3 · answered by Luna_54 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's a very well done bit of poetry, but I'm not the best at critiquing poetry.
2007-01-23 14:10:32 · answer #4 · answered by NeonBlue 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it's very nice
yeah you probably do need some metaphors...sorry can't help you with one!
2007-01-23 14:08:26 · answer #5 · answered by Cris 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋