Any jokes that were never told before or that you dont think ive heard of?

Question

Any jokes that were never told before or that you dont think ive heard of?

You get full points =)

Answer 1

got some useless trivia if u like here goes.........

> >>>In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but
> >>>the animals must be female.. Having sexual relations with a male
> >>>animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes
>sense.)
> >>>
> >>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >>>
> >>>In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,
> >>>but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the
> >>>examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do
> >>>they look different reversed?)
> >>>
> >>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >>>
> >>>Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased
> >>>must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
>(A
> >>>brick??)
> >>>
> >>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >>>
> >>>The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much
> >>>worse than "going blind!")
> >>>
> >>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >>>
> >>>There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the
> >>>countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the
> >>>privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam
> >>>law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job
>anywhere else in
> >>>the world that even comes close to this?)
> >>>
> >>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >>>
> >>>In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
> >>>adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The
> >>>husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
> >>>desired. (Ah! Justice! )
> >>>
> >>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >>>
> >>>Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in
> >>>tropical fish stores. (But of
>course!)
> >>>
> >>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >>>
> >>>In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
> >>>the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to
> >>>witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)
> >>>
> >>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >>>
> >>>In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
> >>>Woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big
> >>>enough problem that they had to pass this
>law?)
> >>>
> >>> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >>>
> >>>In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines
> >>>with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending
> >>>machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for
> >>>consumption on the premises." (Is this a great country or what?
> >>>Not as great as Guam!)
> >>>
> >>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >>>
> >>>Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who
> >>>volunteers for this
>stuff?)
> >>>
> >>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >>>
> >>>The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hummm....I won't
> >>>touch THAT one!)
> >>>
> >>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ * ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >>>
> >>>The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
> >>>own weight and always falls over on its right side when
> >>>intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of....? -- Did the
> >>>government pay for this
>research??)
> >>>
> >>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >>>
> >>>An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people
> >>>like that.)
> >>>
> >>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >>>
> >>>Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)
> >>>
> >>> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> >>>
> >>>And, the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their
> >>>butts. (Do you think they might have bad breath?)

Answer 2

Heres 2 of my personal faves




lol i luv that joke FGeorge W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he invites questions. One little boy puts up his hand, and the President asks him his name. "Billy!" "And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions," says the boy. "First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? and Third - whatever happened to Osama bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George W Bush informs the children that they will continue after recess. When they resume, the President says: "Okay where were we? Oh that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and asks his name. "Steve!" "And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions: First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third - whatever happened to Osama bin Laden? Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"
LOL LUV that joke!!!!!!!
one more:

Source(s):

Once Bill Clinton visited a elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident". Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?"
A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car." Clinton says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?" A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff." Clinton says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?"

A boy raises his hand and says and says, "If you and Mrs. Clinton was on a plane and it blew up." Then Clinton says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?" And the little boy says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss."

Answer 3

CIA Assassin Training



The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”

The first man said, “You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.”

The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.”


From Jesus' Perspective



Jesus, hanging on the cross, says, "Peter, come here." Peter, thinking he is about to receive a profound religious truth, moves towards Jesus but the Roman soldiers push him back.

Again Jesus summons, "Peter, come here." Peter tries again, but the Roman soldiers again push him away.

Jesus summons a third time, "Peter come here." Peter gathers all of his strength and finally breaks through. Bleeding from several lance wounds, Peter says, "Yes, Master?"

Jesus looks upon Peter and says, "I can see your house from here

(p.s srry if it affended u, call my loyer 1-800bullshit)

Answer 4

There was a man who weighed 400 pounds desperate to lose wieght. He saw a sign on a shop saying: quick weight lost in 2 hours for $40. He paid and they led him to a room.
A beautiful girl came out with the sigh "if you can catch me I'm yours!!'. He ran for two hour to catch her but could not. He lost 50 pounds. The next day he though that he was pretty close to the girl and he paid $80 for 4 hours. The same girl came and by the end he could not cacth her.he lost another 100pounds.
On the third day he paid $100 for there extreme solution for 6 hours. He was waiting in the room when the door opened and a 500 pound gorilla came with the sign 'If I catch you, you are mine'!!!!

Answer 5

What does a priest and a Christmas tree have in common? They both have balls, but they are just for decoration.

Answer 6

What did the flea say to his friend?