jokes JOKES jokes?

Question

i want to laugh, tell me all the best jokes you know (no smartasses please[unless you know good jokes]) from blonde to chuck norris whatever joke you know

heres my contribution
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

Answer 1

Blonde jokes:

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".

~~~~~

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

~~~~

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

~~~~

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

~~~~

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"


~~~~

Did you hear about the blonde who took a book out of the library called How to Hug, only to discover that it was volume seven of the encyclopedia?



~~~~

blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up.

The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt.

"Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"

~~~

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.

They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.

The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.

They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, �Okay, we'll give him one more try.

We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!�

Answer 2

*laughs* Its alright i guess... Alright I'll tell you a joke.

There was 3 girl in heaven and god tells them not to step on the black cloud because they will end up with a very ugly guy forever.

The 1st girl walks by with a very ugly guy with zits and stuff and the other girls ask her "What happen?" and she said "I stepped on a black cloud"

The 2nd girl walks by with a very fu*k*n ugly a$$ guy and they ask her "What happen?" and she replys "I stepped on a black cloud"

The 3rd girl walks by with the hottest guy in the whole wide world and the girls ask them "What happen?" The guy replys "I stepped on a black cloud"

Answer 3

funny

Answer 4

very funny

Answer 5

Think he needs to go on parole.......LOl...very good

Answer 6

lol, i like your joke... Sorry i dont have any for you

Answer 7

he he, he's exhaused

Answer 8

Yours is pretty funny. Okay...here we go...

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

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Ways To Annoy



The Most Complete List Of Ways To Annoy People, Cops, Your Roommate, And More.

Annoy People

1. Pay tolls with $100 bills

2. Leave your supermarket cart on the street or in the middle of the parking lot

3. Eat produce at the market; don't buy it

4. When giving directions, leave out a turn or two

5. Leave the outdoor Christmas decorations up until March or April

6. Before exiting the elevator, push all the buttons

7. Knock and ask "How is it going?" to someone constipated in a public bathroom stall.

8. Develop at least three strategies for cutting into the front of lines

9. Announce when you're going to the bathroom

10. Chew other people's pencils

11. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

12. Wear large hats during the movies

13. Touch strangers

14. Tell little children the truth about Santa Claus

15. Bite your dentist's finger

16. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

18. Leave lipstick prints on people's cheeks and foreheads

19. Don't stand during hymns and anthems

20. Dance fast to slow music and vice-versa

21. Tell people they have bad breath

22. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

23. Flirt with a friend's spouse

24. Sit in the home bleachers and cheer for the other team

25. Shake with your left hand

26. Use the quote bunnies after every other word you say when talking to someone.

27. Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".

28. Drum on every available surface.

29. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

30. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

31. Honk and wave to strangers.

32. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

33. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

34. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.

35. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

36. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

37. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

38. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

39. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

40. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

41. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

Annoy Cops

42. Say out loud when he/she approaches you "You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?"

43. Ask to see his gun.

44. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.

45. Say out loud "Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!"

46. Slap his hand and say "Bad cop! No donut!"

47. When he frisks you, say "You missed a spot", and grin.

48. After every other sentence oink like a pig quietly to yourself but loud enough for him to hear you.

49. Refer to him by his first name.

50. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.

Annoy Your roomate

51. Smoke weed. Do whatever comes naturally.

52. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

53. Twitch a lot when you guys eat dinner.

54. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

55. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

56. Ask him/her to do you a favor and get you a drink, then when they bring it, slowly pour it on the floor.

57. Clip your toenails while watching a movie or eating dinner.

58. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

59. Speak in tongues.

60. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

61. Walk and talk backwards.

62. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

63. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

64. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g."The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

65. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance at art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

66. Collect all your urine in a small jug.

67. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

68. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

69. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

70. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

71. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

72. Eat glass.

73. Smoke ballpoint pens.

74. Smile. All the time.

75. Collect dog **** in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.

76. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.

77. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

78. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

79. Paste snot on the windows in occult patterns.

80. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

81. Dye all your underwear lime green.

82. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

83. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

84. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

85. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).

86. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

87. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

88. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

89. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

90. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

91. Shave one eyebrow.

92. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

93. Put horseradish in your shoes.

94. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

95. Always flush the toilet three times.

96. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

97. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

98. Give him/her an allowance.

99. Listen to radio static.

100. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

101. Wear sunglasses at night. Bump into things often. Swear loudly.

Annoy your examiner during a Driver's Test

102. Turn the radio on. When the testor goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.

103. Beep your horn at everything.

104. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light

105. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "now which one is the gas again?"

106. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.

107. Fill your car with beer bottles.

108. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Gertrude smells like mothballs.

109. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.

110. Swear at everybody on the road.

111. Break off your rear-view mirror and then ask the examiner to hold it up.



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12 Shots

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, "Quick pour me twelve drinks." So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back as fast as he could, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, "Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast." The guys says, "Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got." The bartender says, "What've you got?" The guy says, "75 cents."