What can spousal abuse do to a military mans career? Or should I even care?

Question

I've never considered myself a battered wife until recently. We have fought and things would get violent, just not necesarily towards me. Holes in walls, breaking things, etc, until recently. His violence came at me full force the other day. He pushed me to the ground and i cut my hand on ice or a rock, lets just say there was so much blood all over my hand, i couldnt even tell where the wound was or what kind of wound i had. I refrained from calling the police that time, cuz we were both drinking and this happened on the side of road, so we were both in danger of DUIs. But I really want to demand that he take anger management classes as a stipulation to me not walking out. Cuz the next time, i'll call the police. Or maybe i should just leave anyway and let him have his anger and violence all to himself. i have 2 kids, which he is not violent with, and is a loving father, so do i demand anger mngt classes and see how it goes for them or do I hit the road now?

Answer 1

get the heck out of there. he's not gonna change. maybe for a little while, but he'll end up becoming violent again.

Answer 2

No one should be hit. Having said that, you need to be aware of the consequences of reporting him. He could possibly be kicked out of the military if found guilty. My Hubby is a retired with 20 years Chief in the Navy so I have seen it. I think the counseling is a great idea. I would also recommend not drinking. Alcohol lowers inhibitions and makes people more apt to act out. If he has never actually hit you, I think I would give him one chance. You only got hurt because of something on the ground, and probably would not have fallen if you were not drinking. But he had no right to push you! So maybe , if you love him, try counseling. The Military will pay for it if you go through channels. Good luck and don't ever let anyone make you a punching bag.

Answer 3

You don't say what branch of the military he's in... or even what country you're in...

The American military takes domestic violence against spouses very seriously. It can, and will, get them thrown out of the military, much like mishandling your personal finances can get you thrown out. This is much different than things were 15 years ago and more.

Your key here is the military chaplain. They can tell you how things work, what to do, where to get help, etc. If you want things to hit the fan immediately, tell his superior officer / sgt / etc. If the MP's get involved, then you can be assured that corrective action will begin.

Domestic violence is about control, and about cycles. The actions are predictable, and unless there is treatment, things only get worse.

Even more to the point, there are no "innocent" people in this marriage. You will need counseling too, as will the kids. The sh*t has hit the walls, and everyone has their fair share of it now.

I'm available if you wanna chat / email me.

Answer 4

It will definitely affect his career. Should you care I say not. Anyways a person convicted of domestic violence cannot carry a firearm. This law is carried over into the military also(even combat zones). As you can imagine this makes him pretty useless to the military. I will state however that if you are concerned about your well being that you not ride with a drunk driver or drive drunk. And since we are talking about classes. Alcohol abuse classes seem reasonable for whoever was driving and maybe you both. Anyways that's another issue. But if convicted in a civilian court he will definitely be dishonorably discharged. If you talk to his commander he will get anger management classes at least and depending on the commander possibly discharged. I would talk to family advocacy(usually in the mental health section of the clinic) on post if you are on an army post at least. They will tell you your best options. If you are hesitant just tell them you want to talk and not give your name. But i worked in as a mental health specialist in the army and his career will be safe 90% of the time (especially with everyone like me getting out :) So again the civilian police wont mess around and the military will be forced to discharge him as per law for not being able to carry a weapon. Chain of command most likely will give him a slap on the wrist. As far as the military police i really don't know.

Answer 5

If he's willing to go to anger management to save your marriage, you can call Fleet and Family Services to schedule the appointments.

If he's unwilling, the only route is to call the police. He'll be removed from your home and sent to live on the base under supervision. They'll also force him into anger management or psychiatric care.

I see a lot of people telling you to straight-out leave him, but honestly, the ultimate decision is up to you, and you alone. I know love can be a powerful thing, and cause people to endure things for longer than they should. Just follow your instincts and your own judgement.

Hope things look up for you.

Answer 6

It sounds as though the alcohol was a factor in this, but I wouldn't dismiss it because of that.

Demand anger management if you want to stay with him. (You may be pretty angry right now because it's fresh or it could be the final straw.)

Whatever you do, you need to do something. The situation could escalate without some intervention.

Personally, it sounds like he needs help and as a wife (richer or poorer, sickness and in health, the good and the bad) you should try to help him first before you leave. But if he won't accept the help, get the hell out of there.

Don't worry about his career, this is the lives of three people, you and your kids. You shouldn't have to live in a cloud of fear, waiting for his next outburst. And who knows what that one could be like. If he's worried about his career, he'll get the help he needs. That help won't harm his record. Spousal abuse or child abuse will.

Answer 7

Hi there,

My husband is active duty army and he's a chaplain's assistant---so he has participated in training and attended classes about spousal abuse. Technically if you have been injured by your husband whether it be a scratch or a laceration, it is considered spousal abuse. Since he is in the military he can be legally discharged because of his actions. Most likely if this is a first reported offense they will have him attend anger management classes and get counseling. They might ask you to submit a report to his commander stating the abuse, and possibly want you to get your wounds checked out at a military medical facility so they can be documented. If the abuse continues after counseling and anger management classes he could risk loosing rank and pay, and ultimately be dishonorably discharged from the military. Please please please report him to his commander or the military police---you could end up getting seriously injured, and although he hasn't abused your children he may very well get to that point. Hope this helps, and take care of yourself. God bless.

Answer 8

First you should report it, then you should care.

As long as your children are in danger of the same abuse, you can skip the second step above.

You should also know that the alcohol is making your situation worse. For your kid's sake, get rid of it. All of it. If you can be kind to each other for 30 days, treat yourself to one party night.

So far, it sounds like you've been lucky, and you're really not as bad off as other couples who get physical with each other and the kids. That's where you'll be next year.

For now, you could probably work things out if you get counseling or commit yourself to resolving your issues. Don't worry about how the military handles him. You have more important assets to worry about. As we speak (or write), your kids are taking mental notes of proper behavior, and you are their examples.

Answer 9

Sounds like you BOTH need counceling! I'd try to work things out and save the marriage for the kids, but you two need to quit drinking. Put your children ahead of yourselves and get it together!! It affects the kids even if he doesn't direct the anger at them!! This is how your children are learning to handle anger, is this what you want for them??? It's a family problem so the entire family needs treatment!

Answer 10

I think you are gonna need help on this one. The easy answer is - hit the road if you can. The other alternative is to realize you cannot beat this alone if you stay. If he is spiraling downwards into violence - and he gave you notice about it by breaking things and walls - then you will not be able to get him to where he needs to be alone. Speak to a counselor or social worker or police first. People need to know where you are on this. Then get their help in helping your husband get counseling.

Answer 11

Spousal abuse can demolish a military man's career. And if he's doing it to you, you shouldn't care. If you just want him in anger managment, talk to his command, they can usually work with you both on reconciling terms. Or, for maximum effect, don't call the civilian police, report it to the MP's. Do note however, that once the MP's are brought in, the unit can't do anything to resolve it.