I have been kind of avoiding my mother lately.?

Question

She is very negative in the past few years and has done some things to really hurt me, and I am just tired of it. She has always been a very selfish and self centered person. Now my sister thinks I should just come out and say my feelings instead of avoiding her. I've tried that in the past but it always blows up in my face. I think sometimes it is just better to keep these things to myself and deal with it internally. My sister sometimes doesn't know when to keep her opinion to herself, so I don't really want to listen to that advice. I just don't want anymore drama in my life. Also, I am expexcting my 2nd child in a few days and now is not a good time to start anything. She made both my sister and I cry when we were in the hospital having our kids and now I am stressed in anticipation of her visit to see us in the hospital. What are your opinions of this situation. I feel if I am direct with my feelings there will be a big blow up.

Answer 1

Oh honey, I so feel for you!!!
Been there, done that, it's awful.
It's okay to avoid things that are unpleasant, that includes your mother. At some point in the future, i would highly recommend some good counseling to help you resolve some of the issues and come to a better way of coping.

I ended up moving to another country, and not having a phone, to have control over the interactions with my mother.

Bless you.
If I can help ... [e-mail]

Answer 2

Well first of all tell her to stay out in the waiting room until you have your child labor is hard enough with out someone making you cry just because she can be mean to you. sit down and write your mom a letter before you give birth and tell her that if she can not be nice to you in the hospital than do not show up at all. Tell her that she can wait until you bring the baby home from the hospital and you will give her a call when you think it is time for her to come and visit you and your family at home. and make sure that you tell her that you love her and hope that she will respect your wishes. and if she dose show up at the hospital you can tell your doc. not to let her in your room cause your not ready to see her right now. GOOD LUCK on the birth of your second child.

Answer 3

I too share the same I think you should distance yourself form your mom. Be cordial to her but it is time for a life change and you respect your mom but if you can do without her that me be best for you and your mental you have children to worry about not your mom she has done her job. It is time for you to depend and turn to you I think you know what is best if you are a religious person I always say take it to the Lord. Stay away from the negativity and the drama you will see a drastic change in how you feel it is the greatest feeling in the world. You don't need your mom to validate you anymore and your sister you should talk to her about other things stuff that won't allow her to give advice you already know your solutions to your dilemmas you don't need any advice you probably need to be giving it, good luck mama.

Answer 4

I am writing this as a mother and as a daughter. First, as a mother. It is hurtful not to be able to participate in some way in your daughter's life. I miss the phone call saying that I was a grandmother; I got an email three days later. I also was left out of her wedding plans, even the courting experiences leading up to a wedding. I know why..too complicted to explain. Not my fault, not her fault, but still hurtful.
Now, as a daughter: I had a mother who did everything to hurt me; not intentionally, she was emotionally damaged and wasn't treated correctly by doctors and therapists. When I was sexually molested by my brothers, she said it was my fault. When I was in the hospital for 6 months due to several illnesses, she said I was faking it. At no time in my 50+ years around her did I feel loved, cared for, or wanted (she stated she didn't want me, only my 3 brothers.) I tried being around her, but found it abusive most of the time; I visited her when I was at my strongest, said hello, shared a coffee and small talk, and left. If I was down that day, I simply called her (as she got older.) In other words, I took my personal power back and it helped me get through the pain of not having an emotionally stable mother. Ironically, at her death bed, we "made up", she apologized for everything, and I think of her and miss her (and what we could have had) dearly.
In your situation, you must decide what is best for you. Not for her, not for anyone else, including your sister (she has her own relationship with your mom, different, maybe, than yours.). Having a sense of self, who you are and what you want in your life, is the best gift you can give your children. You don't have to explain, apologize or defend your actions; they simply are who you are at this time in your life.
When she visits you in the hospital, or anywhere, learn some techniques to not be totally involved in her emotional onslaught. See her as hurting, needing help, or whatever, and figure out how you can be around her when necessary without losing yourself. Sing, say a prayer, call someone as soon as she leaves for support, whatever. You call the shots, not me, not her, nor your sister.
This life is the only one we have. Don't let anyone take it from you. When I wonder what I would be like if I hadn't been abused in the home, I then thank God for allowing me to use these same hurts to help others. I sense when someone has been damaged; perhaps you can, in time, see that you have gained something from this abuse. Maybe in time, you can be thankful that you have learned something from your family...tolerance, patience, whatever. Again, it is your life!
Good luck, enjoy the new baby, and your new pathway. Keep your eye on the goal, not looking back. (There is a Bible verse to that effect, but I won't get spiritual on you.:) )
Hmmm. I wonder what your mom's childhood was like?

Answer 5

I'm sorry you have this stress at this happy time. I agree with you, a few days before delivery is not a good time to tackle this issue. Some other time you may want to try (or not). If past attempts to right the situation have blown up maybe one or both of you were not ready to discuss things objectively. It's hard when emotions are strong. Maybe with time bridges can be mended.

You may never be able to make things right with some people. They are not willing or perhaps too strongly opposed to your choices. I have relatives I will never like or understand and they will never understand me. I learn to be polite and try to keeps the conversation on innate things like weather and chit chat. I imaging it's harder when it is your mother.

I hope you can to put this aside for now and focus on your baby to come and the child you have. I wish you a quick safe delivery.

Answer 6

Hi Wendy, I am sorry your mom is like this. She should be enjoying her daughters,and specially her grandchildren. I agreed that you don't need anymore stresss in your life,at this point. If your mom comes to the hospital after your second child is born,and starts her s h i t,simplely ask her to leave. Tell her she should be enjoying the birth of her second grandchild,and that you,and the baby are fine.You will have to have a one on one after you have your strength back. There is no way to get out of what is coming. Stand your grounds,and don't let her ran over your life. I know this is going to be hard for you to do.But you must if you want your life back.Have a healthy,and happy baby. A Friend.

Clowmy

Answer 7

I agree with most of the others. My mother and I didn't get along either. She was not a verbally nice mom back then. I went to therapy for this and she helped me deal with my mother. I was able to talk to her openly after setting boundaries. I let her know what topics were OFF limits. If she brought them up I'd leave even if I just got there. I also told her that if she cut me down I'd leave as well. Believe me, after I left the first two times she got the message and wanted me to visit. She missed me. I hope this helps a little. Good luck.

Answer 8

I learned this a long time ago. Our mother's are from a different generation where they just did as they were told by their mothers and felt it was right at the time. I wouldn't confront my mother about her negativity. As they get older they do get more and more selfish but that's just their way of fighting for every last day to be their own. They have sacrificed for the good of you and now they want their turn. Turn the other cheek child....God will bless you for it. Respect your mother because your a mother too.

Answer 9

Wait until after your baby is born and about a year old, do send her a picture when the baby is born so that she knows that you love her. But keep her at arms length until your baby is old enough and you are no longer stressed from taking care of a new little one. Then tell her about her negative attitude. You don't have to see your mother if you don't want to. You don't even have to talk to her if you don't want to. Do keep the lines of communication open by sending the pictures.

Answer 10

It's not good to keep everything in, but now is not the best time for drama. Right now you should just focus on the birth of your new baby and enjoy the moment, that is such a special time you can't get back, so I would not let her ruin it. My mother in law sounds a lot like your mom and believe me she has ruin some special times for us, but I just don't let it happen anymore, I do not give her the opportunity. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you.