How Else Can You Say 'No!' To a Toddler??

Question

Hi, I'm researching a feature on handling toddler tantrums. I am looking at other ways we can say 'no!' to our kids without actually using that word. I'd love to hear any tips from real mums. Also, how do you stop yourself from saying 'no' in the heat of the moment?

Answer 1

As far as Im concerned you dont need another word, they should be brought up and learn that no means no

Answer 2

It's all very well some saying that distracting from a situation is better but if they're always being distracted and never being told 'no, because of x,y,z' then they'll never learn to avoid it in future and so the behaviour pattern will keep on being repeated.
They have to be taught when things are unacceptable and always being nice and smiley and 'now dear, look at this instead' will not help when they are about to run across a busy road and you can't understand why they don't listen to "NO!!" or "STOP!" Boundaries just have to be taught or we will end up with a generation of adults who just don't know when to stop.
Another tactic is a spank on a bare bottom - only done it once to my 2 year old and all I have to do if a situation arises is say quietly to him that it's not acceptable and next time is a spank and he stops. This is not abuse or bullying but a proven way of my children learning acceptable and unacceptable behaviour by association of discipline. My kids are happy and well adjusted and I believe this is down to nothing more than knowing the boundaries and being able to relax within the security of a solid family structure of rules. Good behaviour is rewarded at the appropriate times but I also think that knowing that trouble from an adult lies at the other side of bad behaviour is just as important. Bad behaviour shouldn't be ignored since they'll then think you don't care whether they are doing it or not.


Been reading over what I wrote last night and I can't believe how horrible I must sound! I am not retracting anything said but I would like to add that I do talk to the children and explain why a no is no and that I hope that the situation doesn't crop up again now they've been told.
Having read some of the other answers then I do work with distraction techniques except I've never realised it was that since it's something I do all the time and that's things like constantly talking to the kids, going around the shops asking thier opinions, getting them to remember something, counting out the carrots, loading the shopping etc. Just been a natural thing rather than a means to an end.
If my toddler isn't looking like he's willing to share a toy with a peer then he is told it's good to share, etc.
If I say no to child then I praise him if he stops and let him know he's doing the right thing.
Not trying to get out of anything I said - just wanting to assure folk I'm not the complete b**ch I must sound like!

Answer 3

Well, we've gotten some strange looks, but here's how we do it.

From the time our babies are born, we talk to them continually just like an adult. A running commentary on everything. At the market, I lean over to my 3 month old and say, "I don't think I like the looks of those melons, or the smell, let's get some bananas and smash them up." People turn and stare, but this stuff works! By the time the kids are 12 months old, they're talking.
I think tantrums may have a lot to do with frustration over lack of ability to express themselves. We've done some baby signing,too. I remember our 12 month old son's Nana freaking out when she asked him about colors and he said "peach, and burgandy" lol.
We never talk to each other in short, curt, ways in our home, like, "No".
I've not had anyone speak to me that way as an adult, either. The officer doesn't say, "No." He speaks in complete sentences. The boss doesn't say, "No". He speaks in complete sentences. That's the real world.
You can expect a child to mimic your own speech, even if you don't want it to go that way. Our answers, toward each other and with the kids, would sound more like, "You're going to be disappointed, but it's not really time for that and we'll have to wait about it." or, "I don't think it's a good idea to do that right now, so let's find something else fun to do." We're just very wordy with them from the very beginning. It's not a lot of work. I wouldn't want someone to say "NO" sternly to me. There are better ways to speak. The child still learns that they can't get their way, they still learn that disappointments come, but a gentle answer turns away wrath. And the word "no" isn't even needed.
We are expecting our 4th son now. Our kids are 19 months, 10 years old, and 13 years old. We have civil conversations and have not yet seen a tantrum. Our teen is the most mature, respectful, content, and communicative teen I've ever seen.That's all the proof I need! Lol

p.s. My husband says that reading aloud for an hour a day has helped them to posses a strong vocabulary. He thinks it has contributed to the level of peace in our home. They can find the words they want, and we listen.

Answer 4

This sounds crazy, but get in the habit of saying "yes"! Even if it is not something you want your toddler to do at the time, say "yes" first, then pair it with a "no", as in: Toddler- "Mommy, I want cake." Mommy- "Yes, you can have cake after dinner." This way, you aren't saying "no", but are setting limits and avoiding a meltdown. Sometimes they are so confused by your "yes", they completely forget what it is that they wanted! Other ideas are to make sure to give your expectations beforehand... try to think one step ahead of your toddler and anticipate times when there could be a potential conflict. If you can disolve the situation before it happens, you can avoid a conflict. Such as: Mommy- "We are going to the store. We are not getting candy from the counter today. If you start whining, we will have to leave the store." By setting clear expectations, you tell your toddler what is expected of them. Refraining from saying "no" in a dire situation is difficult, but not necessary. If that is the quickest way to stop your toddler when they are about to touch a hot stove, "NO" is totally appropriate. You can explain to him later why he shouldn't touch it, but you need to stop the action NOW. Instead, you can use the word "STOP" as your key word. Usually you will hear this in preschools instead of "no", because children are so conditioned to "no" at home, that they no longer really hear it. I use "Stop" at my work (preschool) and at home with my own two children.

Answer 5

I have an autistic teenager who reacts violently to being told 'No'. I use what's called 'positive directives' instead. So if he's raised his hand to hit me I say 'Hands down'. If he wants something he can't be allowed to have I'll either distract or direct him to something he can have. If he's running to cross the road I'll say 'stop at the kerb'. The idea is to avoid setting off an oppositional tantrum by giving clear, concise instructions on what I do want him to do.
As to how not to say 'No' in the heat of the moment, that takes time and practice......now it's just a mindset for me.
Hope this helps.

Answer 6

whats wrong with no? kids need to learn that they cant have everything they want! i have 4 kids, 14, 4 and twin 3 year old boys, one of who is disabled and if i say no i mean no. if they do have tantrums i will try distracting them, not by giving them something but by attracting their attention to something else and if that doesn't work, and its safe to do so, walk away and ignore it. if you feed the tantrum with attention it will last longer. i do try not to say no too quickly and always try and listen to what they are asking for. i think it can be an automatic reaction to whatever kids ask for, then give in. if you listen to the child properly the first time you may find yourself saying no less and less.

Answer 7

Let him or her throw the fit and ignore them, or talk to them like normal. My son is going through that faze where he throws himself face down on the floor and scream and I will either continue to do whatever it is I was doing, or if I was already talking to him, I would say something calm like "Are you throwing a fit on the floor? Is that funny to do that? That's not a very good idea" and I'll say it in a silly baby voice. After the first few weeks of that he started realizing that it doesn't work and now he usually throws himself down, looks at me for a response, then gets up and does something else. He forgets what he was so upset about.

Answer 8

Hi i would say 'Naughty' or go to your room. Or if they are just generally misbehaving then move them to somewhere else andplace your child down firmly and say dont ever do that again. There is always stop it, Behave. I dont have any kids but i used to work in a day nursey, and we were not allowed to tell the child that they where naughty and boy was that hard you actually use the word naughty more no. So i would use the word naughty boy or naughty girl. Stop being silly you naughty boy in a firm voice.

Answer 9

I think the woman with the autistic teen has it right. It's hard, but if you try it and get in the habit, it becomes easier. You just have to try to think of something to say that doesn't include "no" or "don't". An example for if my child is going upstairs at someone else's house, and I don't want her climbing the stairs, is to tell her something like "stay off of the stairs please" instead of "don't go up the stairs". Obviously kids won't always listen, so that's when you need your after-warning techniques.

Answer 10

"I don't think that's a great idea"
"I need to talk to you"

Honestly, they need to hear no sometimes. Otherwise you are setting them up for failure. They will hear no other times in their lives and they need to hear it now. Also, don't be afraid to discipline. Sometimes ignoring the temper tantrum works, but other times (depending on the setting) a tap on the butt does a great job too. It grabs their attention and lets them know that it's enough. Also, take priviledges away. You are the adult. They are the child. You are allowed to say no to them. It's not your job to be their best friend, and believe me in 10 years you won't be anyway. So stop trying to buddy up to them and let them know what is expected of them. If you don't do it now, they will be out of control in 5 years, when it's much more unreasonable for a 10 year old to throw a temper tantrum. Do something quick. Temper tantrums are unacceptable at any age and they need to know that.

Answer 11

I try to save "no" for running into the street or dangerous times. Or when simply answering a question like can I put my socks in the potty. For most of the other times, I find a way to turn it into a positive. Some examples are: Of course you want that toy, lets put it in a letter to Santa... Let's PET the cat instead of poking her with a fork... You can flush after Mommy goes... Sure you can play with the remote after I take out the batteries.
I have this down to an art form. You'd be surprised how creative you can be.
My 2yr old daughter wants to sit on my lap right now and instead has toddled off for naptime because I said yes.. after she wakes up. and presto! naptime