Make me laugh. It's been a stressfull day.?

Question

I need cheering up

Answer 1

Wedding Anniversary:

Larry was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Larry got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift box wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Larry has been missing since Friday.

Answer 2

sorry to hear it. but here we go. hope this helps you
you gotta love a drunk.
a man and his wife are awakened at 3.00 in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. the man gets up and goes to the door where a drunke stranger standin in the pourin rain is asking for a push.not a chance says the husband.it is 3.00 in the morning. he slams the door and returns to bed. who was that?asked the wife. just some drunk guy asking for a push.he answers.did you help hih?she asked.no. i did not. it is 3.00 in the morning and it is pourin rain outside. well you have a short memory. says his wife.cant you remember about 3 months ago when we broke down and thase two guys helped us ? i think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself.the man does as hes told.gets dressed and goes out into the pourin rain . he calles out into the dark.hello are you still there? yes comes back the answer.do you still need a push?. calls out the husband.yes please.comes the reply from the dark. where are you? asks the husband. over here on the swing repls the drunk.


one more.

the 5 secrets of a relationship

it is important that a man helps you around the house
it is important that a man makes you laugh
it is important to find a man you can count on and doesnt lie to you
it is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you
it is important that these 4 men dont know each other.

hope this made your day.

Answer 3

A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So she takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich and a good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

He says, "I'm here about your ad." Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know that you're loyal?" she inquires. "Well I saved my platoon from the Viet Cong in Vietnam. That's how I lost my arms and legs."

"Well, how do I know that you're rich?" she inquires.

He replies,"I make over three million dollars a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank statement".

Looking at him in his wheelchair, she demands "How do I know you're a good lover?"

He shrugs "I rang the doorbell didn't I."

Answer 4

i was shopping one day and got talking to a nice women,after a while i asked "when is your baby due?" she answerd "im not pregnant im just fat" well i could have curled up and died on the spot she was laughing about it but i felt aufull lol needless to say i have never made that mistake again talk about putting tour foot in it. hope this chears you up a bit ??

Answer 5

The cockheaded rooster sez to the old grey hen--i havent had a piece since i dont know when

Answer 6

----- In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli,
cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all
kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.




Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and
Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said
"Yes!" Then Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And
lo they gained 10 pounds.



So God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure
that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the
wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from
size 12 to size 14.



So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue
Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman
unfastened their belts following the repast.



God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them". And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king
prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big
it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the
roof!



Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming
with potassium and good nutrition. So Satan peeled off the healthy
skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in
animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more
pounds.



God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose
those extra pounds. And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote
control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man
and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started
wearing stretch jogging suits.



Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p
double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and
Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em!" And Satan said "It is good."
And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.



God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery. And then
...........Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.



THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION



1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than
us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us.



CONCLUSION:



Eat and drink what you like. It seems that it's speaking English that
will apparently kill you!!


off to stuff my face and learn german!!

Answer 7

Me and my co worker (only 2 gurls working here) are both so upset with men that we are sitting here talking about food lol to avoid talking about how our bf;'s suck coz we both know we cried while driving to work.

Answer 8

Just read these Q&A's, I LAUGHED 4 hours yesterday.

Answer 9

Take a look at the below, some of them are mad maybe not funny.

Answer 10

Look at the question I just answered,entitled...'Smart Thinking'.It is sooo funny:)