After how much time can I reasonally expect my bf to say the L word?

Question

We have been together for 4 months and he is a bit commitment shy. I am fine with it, but since we are both in our mid-thirties I do not want to wait too long to know if it is serious. He has told me early on that he wont know until he knows it. Now my problem is that I would rather not waste time on a guy who cant commit, but I also want to be reasonable. At what point can I reasonable expect "love" to enter the vocabulary.....??????

I just want top add that I am not expecting it now.....I am just wondering at what point I need to face the fact that he might "just" really like me and it wont go anywhere. Also I am not looking for a ring (i have already had one one time). I am just afraid to be in a relationship for a long time with someone that doesnt want me as much as I want him. Afraid to get hurt again I guess.

Answer 1

There is no "correct" amount of time. And in my opinion 4 months is probably too soon.

I understand your time constraints but I would say that the minimum i would expect before he said I love you would be 6 months at least.

Do you love him? It is not reasonable to place artificial deadlines on the progression of your relationship, in the end if you do that you will get a relationship that is perhaps committed but is more for the sake of mutual benefit and conveinance than real feeling.

Look him saying that he will know when he knows is not being a commitaphobe and he may have other issues that lead you to this conclusion but you need to let these things happen naturally.

And if you do love him... then I might say wait till you have been together for at least 6 months and then you might say that you love him...

Just an idea - don't look to rush things by setting imaginary time-tables it is either right or it isn't if it isn't cut your losses but if it feels right there is no benchmarks here - only what is right for you.

Hope I didn't ramble too much.

Good luck and I hope this helps.

Answer 2

I know you've been together for 4 months, but how long have you KNOWN him? You can't really expect to hear that he loves you unless you've known each other a long time, and even at that, it depends.

Also, IT"S REALLY IMPORTANT that you don't pick and choose a relationship based on how committed the guy is. I know that a lot of people in their thirties feel pressure to get married, but you've got to treat each relationship lightly, in the sense that no one places pressure on the other.

Each person moves to their own pace. Like you said, he's commitment shy, and that's not his fault. You should ask yourself if you really like him for WHO HE IS and not who you want him to be or what you want him to be. The reality is, you guys may never wind up marrying or dating for a long time, or maybe you will. You never know.

This may sound harsh, but I don't mean it to be, I promise--it seems you may be trying to predict the future, and I know it sounds tempting (Trust me, I've done it, too) but you've got to enjoy what you can when you have it. Don't think about when you'll hear him say he loves you, and think about how you both FEEl about each other.

Lots of guys don't feel comfortable using the L word, and also, some guys don't know what love really means. He could REALLY REALLY REALLY care about you, but it may/may not be love. Who knows?

So ask yourself if you want him for who he is now, and if he's the type of person you see yourself with in the long term, and keep in mind how long you've known him, k?

If you think you're wasting time being with him, then it's obvious he isn't holding your attention. You should be with someone you really care about. Take one day at a time.

Good luck!

Answer 3

If a guy is commitment shy, pressuring him in any fashion to say the "L" word is only going to reinforce his reluctance to commit. I understand you not wanting to waste time if he has no intentions to commit to a serious relationship, especially if you are in your 30's. I think that if you have strong feelings for him and see him as a person you want to be with always, then you shouldn't rush him. He may have valid reasons to be hesitant, that have nothing to do with you personally. I am engaged to a wonderful man. He was married once before and went through a very difficult divorce that required counseling on his part to help him deal with it. He too was commitment shy. He too was reluctant to say the "L" word, although he would say things like "I'm sure falling for you" and "I can't stop thinking about you" and "I can see a future with you". One of the things he told me was that he appreciated the fact that I never pressured him to move forward in our relationship or to say he loved me. I just let things happen as they did. We were both able to just relax in our relationship and be ourselves. I think that because he felt safe to be himself without any pressure from me, then when he knew he loved me, he felt he could honestly tell me without being scared to do so. He now tells me several times a day that he loves me. I understand you not wanting to waste your time and his, but realize also that if you really love him, then he is worth taking your time with. It has only been 4 months. It might feel as if it has been much longer, but I was married for 20 years before I divorced. I didn't discover certain deep character flaws in my ex-husband until after 18 years of marriage. If after 6 months of dating this guy, you still have no idea how he feels about you, then perhaps you can come right out and ask him where he sees the relationship going. Just remember that guys don't like to be pressured, and it really does take some time to get to know someone well enough to feel vulnerable around them. For us women, we tend to know how we feel much sooner than guys because I think we are wired that way. When a guy is ready to tell you he loves you, then he will tell you. If a year passes by and he still hasn't told you, and you have asked him directly how he feels, then at that time, I think, you should consider whether or not you want to move on. I think a year is enough time to know whether or not a person possesses the qualities that make you want to fall in love with them, and if he doesn't know by that time, then he likely cares about you, but is not in love with you.

Answer 4

You should start hearing it by the 4th month if it is going to happen.
Don't waste more than 2 - 3 yrs. in a relationship without marriage.
By the time you are in your mid 30's, you should be over playing games with each other....You should be able to be serious and open about your feelings with each other...

Answer 5

It really depends on the guy - some are commitment phobic forever and never get to that point. It also depends on if you two really are a good match. He may never have that strong of an attachment. You have to decide personally how long you are willing to wait and see if it will happen. If you try to rush it you will only make things worse.

Answer 6

I would say generally 6 months to a year, unless you both know it's not serious. I wouldn't press it, though. Also, commitment isn't the same as the L word.

Answer 7

If he don't feel it. yet why should he say it .I feel woman are always in a rush to hear these words you don't want him to say it if he really don't mean it mid-thirties is not old.. woman are always looking for commitment (WHY) its not as good as it sound as for me I feel 4months is a very short time to want a commitment.and to hear I LOVE YOU why the rush enjoy you life .

Answer 8

Have you considered the other L word??? Which can mean so much more.

Answer 9

time. i wouldnt want a guy to tell me that he loves me until he actually means it. give him his time and when the time is right, he will tell you that he loves you. good luck!!

Answer 10

give hm time he is still warming up to that part in your relationship.