How can I stop lying?

Question

I have a 9 1/2 yr old, 4th grade son. Recently, he is just lying about everything. From having his homework done to blatant things right in front of me! What can I do other than "calling him" on it and punishing him? It's driving me nuts!!!

Thanks for some ideas. I know my child's not a pathological liar. I know part of it is just the age and I know he doesn't want to get in trouble but sometimes I swear he does it just to see if he can get away with it.

Answer 1

Lying is natural at this stage of development. That doesn't mean it will be tolerated.

First I instituted a punishment just for the lie. That goes on top of the punishment for whatever was done wrong.

Second, I would look at the circumstances that the lie was told in. Is he worried that you will be mad because he didn't complete something? Is he just giving you the answer that you want to hear? Does he understand the question?

I have found with my little boy (also 9 and a half) that it is easier to ask him questions that it would be hard to lie about. Like instead of "Are you done with your homework?" I ask to see his completed work.

However, I think lying to him would send the wrong message to him. You are trying to break him of the habit, that means you shouldn't do it either.

Answer 2

For some reason, I see a lot of children at around age 9 with lying issues. I have to tell you that calling him on it and discipline him for it is exactly the right thing to do. He needs to be taught to accept responsibility for his actions and not to try to lie his way out of things. I remember going through a lying phase when I was about his age too and I remember my Sunday School teacher telling our class that the punishment for lying is far worse than the punishment for whatever it is you're trying to hide. Just make sure that this is true; forgetting his homework is an issue of maturity and carelessness while lying is a character flaw that should never be allowed to develop and fester. As exhausting as it is to constantly be checking up on his stories, I think you're doing exactly the right thing. Try to remember that "in due season you shall reap." If you nurture good character in your son he will grow up to be a beautiful, fruit-baring tree; if not, he could grow up to be a weed. You're a great mom - just keep up the good work!

Answer 3

I did this with my son:

I wrote it down for him on a piece of paper.

When you lie, you get in trouble for two things: For Lying and for whatever it was you did wrong.
If you didn't do anything wrong and you lie: Then you get in trouble for lying.

Then we made a list of punishments for lying. When he lied, he got one off the list, and a second one for what he did wrong. And he would have to repeat to me what he got in trouble for and what the punishment was for each.

He learned that lying was more trouble that it was worth to him.

I think that lying to your kids, while certainly making a point at the moment, will only teach them that it's okay. The parent who promised ice cream in return for a clean room got a clean room. The child might feel bad and empathic at the moment... but my son would take away from that lesson that if he lies, he gets what he wants without actually having to follow through on his end. But then, my son is a very 'reason and logic' based kid... which is why the mathmatical diagram worked for him.

Answer 4

I had this problem with my child and found these things to help. I also had to recognize that I had made it scarrier to tell the truth than for my child to come up with an excuse that I wouldn't over react to. I myself was mostly responsible for this. Once I realized this, I told my child that I took some blame for what they had learned would work better for them, but ultimately they were resonsible. I told my child to let me know when they wanted to tell me something but were afraid of my reaction. This helped and so did the following:

1.
Stop his "payoff." Somehow it is to his advantage to lie rather than to tell the truth. If he does tell the truth, is he getting in more trouble than making up a story with a believable excuse?

2.
Make sure he understands that the truth is enough. A better story or bigger accomplishment than what is reality cannot be rewarded with more laughter, acceptance or praise anyone. The truth must be "enough."

3.
When lying becomes such a habit that it is automatically done before even thinking about it, you MUST help the lyer to
1. Stop
2. Think about what they are doing.
3. Act again.

In other words, tell them you want to help them. Say, "So, I want you to start all over and tell it like it is." Do not go back and ask them why they had said such and such. Just give them the chance to correct it and go on.

Fourth:

When you know your child has done something. Never ask them if they did XYZ. Don't set them up to lie!

Finnally, you can do this which may seem kind of mean but might drive home the message.

Tell your child that you are going to go to McDonalds or some other desireable place after his school or soccor etc. is finished.
Get in your car and drive toward the place. You can even talk about how much fun its going to be. When you get there, just drive on by. Your child will most likely exclaim, "Mom--you just drove by XYZ! You missed it!"

Look at your child directly in the eyes and tell them, "Oh, I'm sorry--I lied." We aren't really going to go there and do XYZ.

Make sure you DO NOT go to the XYZ that day or for a while. Tell your child you wanted to let them feel what it is like to not be able to trust in you. Then explain to them that you want to and must to keep the family harmony, be able to trust him and his words. And that of all places that your family goes to, the home and between each other must be places that all of the family members can count on and know they can trust.

Then tell him, you know he can change the habit and that you believe in him. That he is wonderful enough as he is and doesn't need to add an embellishment or egageration to be better than he already is. Tell him you want to help him and that he can take a step back and start again when he finds he has not been completely truthful.

Make sure it is to his definite advantage to be truthful rather than lie.
Best of luck.

Answer 5

There is nothing you can do but call him on it and punish him.........cause if you don't do something it is only going to get worse and he is going to grow up thinking that it is a normal part of life.

I have a 10 yr old that will lie right in front of my face and when I call him on it and punish him he comes to me later and tells me he is sorry and tries his darnedest to do what is right........I have got to the point where when I ask him something I tell him that I want the truth and the truth only.

Answer 6

tell him that lieing is not good talk to his teachers get some help from a doctors soo they can talk to him maybe he just has a really big secret and is afraid to tell anybody and tell him more he lies more hes gonna get in-trouble and when you ground him take EVERYTHING away from him make him come home do homework and go straight to his room sit on the end of the bed and not move until supper and then make him go straight to bed it really works!!

Answer 7

start "lying" to him. tell him that on saturday, you are going to take him to the mvies, mall, whatever he likes to do. then on saturday when hes all ready to go, act like you dont know what hes talking about. when he says that you said youd take him there, say " oh, i lied". that should teach him.

i also agree with zinntwinnie - take away his things (tell him you dont trust him anymore) and make him earn it back. say " when you earn my trust back, you can have your things back."

my baby girl tegan-marlie is almost 4 now, and she lies a lot too, then again, shes only four and hasnt learned the values and morals of honesty. good luck!!!!!

Answer 8

Kids will do this....My daughter went through a stage like this around 9 years old too..I do still catch her in one from time to time but the important things I did successfully drill into her that lieing is worse then the bad thing she did in the first place and that I will punish her for lieing worse then any bad thing a 9 yr old child can do.

I got caught in a lie as a young teen once and this is what changed me forever.......Maybe this will work for you too .....I had a friend over spending the night about 13 years old at the time. My father was a diplomat so he and Mom had to attend many functions for foreign dignitaires or what not and they were out this particular night.....Me and my friend went into my dads sock drawer where I knew he had his old army medals and and old harmonica and some other just cool stuff...was cool to me anyways....I was showing her this stuff when they unexpectedly came home...I ran out of their room and left the drawer open...My dad asked me what I was doing in his drawer and I lied and said looking for candy.....He calmly told me that was a lie so tell him the truth...I stuck to my stupid story and said looking for candy...He sat me and my friend down (she backed up my story) and started yelling at us.....But it was deserved for sure...But what he was saying was "the worst thing u can do to me is lie....id rather you have said anything to me about what u were doing going through my personal things then what you told me "looking for candy" because it says to me you dont respect me....dad could be loud and I remember him making statements about how others would see me Jenny the liar..."Tell me another lie liar?" basically teaching me to never lie because it hurts those close to you.....My friend was even crying..she apologized to my dad for lieing and then told me in my room that night that her parents never punished her ever and that I was lucky to have a dad who would take the time to care like that and that she was never going to lie again either and just how terribly bad it made hr feel that my dad had watery eyes and was hurt because I lied to him....Well it stuck with me from then on.....I never want to hurt someone because I lied.The truth in that situation was I didnt see my dad enough and wanted to lknow more about his life and was just bored....I gave my 9 year old much the same speech and now she knows she can tell me anything but cannot lie to me....id rather her say to me Mom I got in trouble at school for talking during class then lie and tell me it was somebody elses fault....I punish twice as hard (no I dont spank) for lieing then I do for anything else....and I stick to the punishment....and the problem went away...I think we owe it to our kids to lead them in the right direction and give them hard lessons even if we dont like doing it....I feel your frustration though, I have 4 kids.

Answer 9

All you can do is consitantly punish him when he lies. Take everything from him and make him earn it back by being honest and doing his homework.

Answer 10

Hubby got sick of our daughter lying. So he told her to clean her room and he would buy her ice cream. When she was done he told her he had lied to her. She was upset but got to see how it felt to be lied to. She hasn't done it since. Good luck