Ambush on parents, or a genius idea to avoid immediate guilt trip about wedding?

Question

Since they already have a VERY good idea we are planning this:

Should we tell our parents of destination wedding upon first meeting; they never met before .... tell them of our plans at first meeting?

My fiance and I have recently decided to have a destination wedding and not invite ANYONE, including our parents.

My parents divorced over 20 years ago and still HATE each other. Both have re-married since then. My fiance's parents are still married and would really like us to have a TRADITIONAL wedding, as would my mother and my grandmother.

While they have an idea of our plans, we are thinking of having them (my mother and stepfather and his parents) meet for the first time for dinner and announce our wedding plan.

We think that they are less likely to get overly upset in the presence of future in-laws, and this will allow them to let the news settle in for a little while.

Is this an ambush to spring it on them like this, or a good idea, so we don't get a guilt trip?

We have been engaged for 5 months, have told them.

We don't want ANY money from anyone, and will have a small informal reception when we return with wedding pictures on display.

We just don't know how to crush their dreams of our wedding. There is no way we can invite them - 20 plus years of their hatred would ruin OUR day.

Answer 1

This is probably a good way to tell them.

Also, you might consider having a small reception for close family when you return. This may soften the blow to your parents since they will still get to celebrate with you even if it is not at a wedding.

Answer 2

It's your wedding, not theirs.

Traditionally, most people think of weddings as a celebration of two families coming together to celebrate their joining.

Do what will make you and your future husband happy. While you may hurt some feelings, simply explain to them that this is something the two of you decided would be best for you. Sure, you may get less wedding presents, but this is supposed to be your happy day. Having parents and in-laws squabbling will not make for a happy day.

I watched one of my best friends get married, and her divorced parents went at it during the reception. The bride was in tears, and I eventually had to get hotel security to throw the bride's mother out of the place. It was plain awful.

Enjoy your day. You're going to get a guilt trip no matter what, but you'll get over it pretty quick. Start your new life together on a happy note, and realise that you are starting your OWN family, and that your parents and in-laws will become of much lesser importance.

Answer 3

I dont see it as an ambush...i think it would be a good way to do this...and in such a large group....possibly someone will say something to convince your mom that a traditional wedding isnt all that its cracked up to be after all....That said, i think you should leave your parents' nasty divorce and hatred of each other OUT of the conversation...present it like 'we LOVE this idea' WE WANT to do this...not...'you leave me no choice you mean old woman since you cant be in the same room as my father....' (paraphrase that one!) That way your Mom wont feel 'attacked' and you should present other great reasons that a weddding like this makes sense for you two...Good Luck!

Answer 4

Hmmmm. Not a bad idea. Why don't you compromise and just have a tiny wedding where your parents and a few people could share the day with you? I know it's YOUR wedding, but as a mom of three daughters, I would be sad to miss seeing them get married. It seems like a selfish thing to do and you might regret it later. When I was 19 I eloped to Las Vegas.....I wish I could do it over again. Even though my mom and I never got along, it was a totally selfish thing to do.

Answer 5

agree to have a big party near where they live so you can celebrate the marriage without an actual wedding that day (when you get back from your trip).
be prepared they may want to make plans to be at your destination.
to totally avoid it, don't tell them in advance.
or consider having two weddings...one for you and one for your family.

Answer 6

Just do what YOU want. Its your wedding. If you dont want to take the risk of THEM ruining for you, dont give them the chance. Good Luck :)
I think its a fine idea, but, I still think you'll probably get the guilt trip thing. Just stick to your guns and do what you want to do.

Answer 7

This is YOUR wedding day. You really should do what makes you happy. You don't want to start a marriage with any regrets.

I wish I would have done that for my wedding. Instead I did what everyone else wanted me to do and I hated it. I loved getting married and that was the only part of my wedding I liked.

Answer 8

Please don't ambush them. They could say something to the other parents and then the rift may never be repaired. Not all parents will initially react with respect. Be adults and talk to each set of parents separately. This is your decision and they're going to have to respect it. They don't have to agree, just respect that this is your decision to make. Please consider having a big family reception upon your return so that everyone can celebrate your marriage. Good Luck!

Answer 9

Be upfront and honest. No surprises. If they don't want to come, that is their loss. Otherwise you are creating problems for yourself.

Honesty is always the best policy with relatives.

Answer 10

Tell them that you are eloping(alone), and you will have a small traditional reception when you get back.