They barely know this girl, see her at the kid's birthday parties. 3-4 times a year, until she moved out of state. She just found out that they called her sister in law for her address, her parents and her sister's address. Rule of thumb, if you don't have their address---they must not be close....don't invite them! Anyway, my friend doesn't want to go and she doubts her parents or sister will want to go. She's wondering if she should talk to her brother and his wife about it, so that they can explain this to her family? Or if she should just decline when the invites come? Another thought would be decline the shower--but ship a shower gift (from the family)....and decline the wedding? But I don't see why they would even have to go that far. Jeeeez, are people that desperate for gifts? Any thoughts on this? I say decline both, don't send gifts and don't worry about people you barely know.
2007-01-23 02:47:07 · 7 answers · asked by crazymom 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
The brother thinks they are just inviting anyone and everyone. No one is forced to do anything...but because most people are kind or feel obligated, they send gifts. And I don't think that is right. I think showers and weddings are for family and friends to help share your special and personal day. Not friend of a friend, your neighbor's uncle, or your brother in law's family.
2007-01-23 03:01:20 · update #1
I don't agree that your inlaw's family is considerend immediate. I don't get invited to any of my inlaw events on any side. Why would I? I think that is grasping. I know that some families have been able to cross that boundary with the inlaws, share holidays...etc, but this is definitely not the case. And even her sister in law questioned her family as to why they are inviting them. It's strange to everyone.
2007-01-23 03:46:45 · update #2
I agree wb. It could be the parents saying who to invite. I could understand MAYBE if they invited the brother in law's parents if the other set of parents feel more friendly to them. Right or wrong--we invited my close friends and family to our wedding. Why would you want a bunch of strangers there?
2007-01-23 04:07:51 · update #3
Actually that's not uncommon. Even though your friend is not directly related to her brother's in-laws, they are close members of his family, so out of courtesy they may have chosen to include them, especially since they did socialize on occasion at her kids birthday parties.
My husband's sister asked for my parents address to invite them to her wedding even though she didn't know them very well. But because we get along well and my parents are always courteous to her and all members of my husband's family, she wanted to invite them and it had nothing to do with wanting more gifts or inviting more people just for the heck of it.
If your friend and her parents don't want to go, they should just politely decline. Discussing it with her brother and wife about it could potentially cause hurt feelings, so I would just recommend writing a nice note on the RSVP notifying them that they will not be able to make it.
They are not obligated to send her a shower gift or a wedding gift. Gifts should only be given as a kind gesture. If they do not want to genuinely give a shower and/or wedding gift, they should not send one; a simple congratulatory card would be fine.
2007-01-23 03:54:25 · answer #1 · answered by Veronica W 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think they should politely decline if they do not want to go(because of the close family tie they may want to send a small token gift). It is the brother's wife's sister, considered immediate family. She would be considered a legal sister to your friend. Although she doesn't know her that well and has only seen her at family gatherings, it is a rule of thumb to invite all immediate family members, legal or biological, address or no address. Remember that it costs money per person to throw a party, especially if it is at a place. I don't think that your rule of thumb about addresses applies to weddings, as I have gotten many invitations from people in my family that I have never even met(I have a large family and my cousin count is currently at 30, I haven't met at least 10 of them)! When you are planning a wedding, it is traditionally a time for family members that have not seen each other for a long time to get together and have a great time (usually at the couple's expense unfortunately). If the brother asks why they're not going, she could then explain the situation (barely know the person, feel uncomfortable going, etc). Chances are that the couple felt obligated to invite the immediate family of the sister's husband and they may be relieved they're not coming, thus saving them money on the party. Or they really liked them the few times they met and wanted them to come and will be dissappointed they are not coming. In that case, there will definitely be a follow up from the brother, who is obligated to attend anyway. A token gift would soothe any ruffled feathers(some get upset and feel shunned if the family of an inlaw won't come to their wedding, a gift says we care even though we didn't come), something like a bouquet of flowers in a vase or something, I'm sure the mother will know a nice inexpensive token gift to give for a wedding. It's not about being desperate for gifts, it's about making sure you don't ruffle any feathers. Think how upset your friend would be if she really liked the girl and the girl hadn't invited her at all. You never know who's going to be mad you didn't invite them to your wedding. There were people that I hadn't seen since I was 6 years old asking my grandmother if they would be invited to my wedding. Some of them were so upset at being told no that my grandmother had to tell them we couldn't ppossibly afford to invite everyone that wanted to come. Some even offered to pay for themselves! A wedding is a large, complicated event if it is done in the traditional way, which it seems hers is. Good Luck
PS I wouldn't send a shower gift, there is really no obligation whatsoever for your friend in that department.
2007-01-23 11:18:06 · answer #2 · answered by experiencedmotherof4 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
A woman I work with (different floor)--to whom I barely speak-invited me and every other person in my department to her baby shower. I was personally offended. I think showers, weddings, etc should be limited to close friends and family as you say. I would send back a decline, and possibly a nice note saying congrats on best wishes, and that's it. The only thing I can think of from random invites is they're looking for gifts-yuck.
2007-01-23 11:19:51 · answer #3 · answered by melouofs 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
AHHHHH....I agree with you! Was the wedding they were invited to in Mass? Because MY future in-laws are inviting my future brother-in-law's wife's family and I (as the bride) see NO point in this. (They're also inviting...oh, jeez, where to begin? The world) And I can't get them to see that it's NOT RIGHT and pointless. Do you know my FMIL said that I NEED to invite all these people to my shower and wedding because (and notice the quotes) "All I have done is give to all these people and now it's my turn to get some of it back"?!?!? CAN YOU IMAGINE? As far as I new, the shower and wedding are for me and my husband, and she is not getting anything.
SO, from my point of view....Just decline both. No need for gifts/calls. Perhaps it's not the bride and groom who are setting up the invites.
2007-01-23 12:01:08 · answer #4 · answered by Just tryin' to help 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe she invited them just so they won't feel "left out." Just explain there's someting going on that weekend. Send a card and a simple gift card to Wal-Mart or Target, if they feel obligated. No one is ever forced to go or sned a card or anything. It's just a kindness thing :)
2007-01-23 10:56:36 · answer #5 · answered by Chick-a-Dee 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If they don't want to go they then they don't have to and your sister in law and your brother must understand this, as they shouldn't presume what people will attend and be upset when they don't if they hardly know them.I think the sister in law should of asked first if it was ok to pass on their addresses as i don't expect people to dish mine out for whatever occasion.
2007-01-23 11:00:59 · answer #6 · answered by sez75 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i think that people do this to see how much they get and that is not right and i think that if she does not want to go then she does not need to go and then they may not want to leave no one out and they need to know that when they dont have anyone there that they did invite that they just dont know her that well and that they dont talk to her and that is why
2007-01-23 11:05:22 · answer #7 · answered by megryanmc 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋